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They focus on finding other people who fit them and not adjusting to fit other people.
this post was submitted on 22 Dec 2024
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Asklemmy
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Assuming that a profile is enough to understand someone. Sure, don’t waste time/drag out meeting someone but… actually talk (video chat) and ask questions before you move things along.
Ask questions important to you and what you are looking for.
Video chat? Wtf. Have people ever heard of coffee? Very public, fairly short, no commitment. You can even say the no commitment part up front. Just meet, don't expect anything, and see how it goes.
You assume the people I meet are living within a distance that makes it easy to “just get coffee”. If I meet them on a forum, Discord group, online gaming, etc., and not a dating website or app, they probably won’t be close to me. That doesn’t negate the possibility of a dating / romantic relationship.
Also, I personally wouldn’t meet someone without talking to them on the phone first (regardless of distance), so why wouldn’t I just video chat with them… FaceTime is just as easy as a phone call.
If you meet someone online and immediately want to meet them in person for coffee, good for you. However don’t act like someone else’s approach is wrong… because you don’t agree.
And what about people several hours apart? Unless you live in a large city, the local pool is shallow.
I have a stupid question.
How do people "see how it goes" and ever have a positive experience? For me, even if the person is friendly and funny, I am so uncomfortable that I never want to do it again. Literally no one has ever felt any different for me. Even if I gain some level of pleasantness and satisfaction from the interaction, it is incredibly mild and doesn't ever make up for anything or make me wish to continue. I have tried seeing people repeatedly to no avail. The cost-benefit analysis never nets me out on top. I have always been a perpetual loner due in part to this. Does this mean I'm a psychopath or something? Because I cannot connect with and gain satisfaction from humans the way they seem to be able to with each other?
There are physiological causes of anxiety.
This does not sound like a very common experience.
What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Is it all scenarios? Coffee date? Bar date?
I don't know really. It's mostly anything outside of certain scenarios. I am comfortable at work and with my parents. Anything else I am always uncomfortable. My discomfort can range from mild to severe depending on the scenario.
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Do you experience that with people who you consider to be friends?
Yes.
But I do not experience it with my parents and I do not experience it at work.
That's just being anti-social, usually from anxiety. If it's something you'd like to change, it's probably worth seeing a professional therapist.
I have seen quite a few of those because people say you're supposed to keep looking if they aren't helping you. I've spoken to maybe 5 different ones at this point. They never have much of substance to say but are very quick to deduct large amounts of money from my bank account. I don't entirely understand what I am supposed to do to get something out of that. Not sure how many more I'm supposed to see or how much more thousands of dollars I'm supposed to spend before someone actually has any ideas of what to do beyond chatting with me and giving basic cookie cutter advice/platitudes.
I've honestly had similar enough chats with ChatGPT for free.
Have you tried a psychologist? They have a lot more experience than a counselor and might have a better chance, but it'll cost more too. Also they can diagnose things which might make getting the right help easier if it's something more than just social anxiety that's getting missed.
Psychologists are better than counselors, but bear in mind there is a ton of variety in the quality of psychologists too.
Also as someone with 3 psychologists in my family, I personally have them stereotyped as greedy, narcissistic opportunists. But again I'm probably biased...
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Maybe its the demisexuality talking but i feel like its not common enough to like just be friends with people first? Like on dating apps people want to immediately jump into a date or something and i think it'd be a lot healthier to just like get to know eachother as friends first then decide if you want to date in a few months. I dont understand the desire to go on a date with someone you just met i guess.
I have never ever ever wanted to "just be friends" first. I am not looking for a new friend. I have friends. I am looking for intimacy that's not typically available for friends, and sex.
Furthermore, the timeline and transition points for "just friends" to "dating" are not defined. If I want to kiss now but we're on a "just friends" track, what do I do? Probably pursue someone who wants what I want, and not spin my wheels hoping the other person will come around
It might be just me, but all of the best dates and relationships I've had over the years (including my now wife) all started with a spark of attraction upon meeting that we jumped into exploring together and developed a friendship over the course of dating. My wife became one of my best friends long before we got married but that definitely developed over time, while the attraction and romance definitely came on strong right at the get go.
I had a couple times transitioned into dating friends but each time it just didn't fit right (even if the relationship lasted a while) and ended up rather distant from them. Also too, I never had any luck dating online, they all came the old fashioned way.
I think its way healthier and I wish that were the common sentiment.
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