this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2023

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AITA for doing a GoFundMe? (Details within.) (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

70 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Living in the U.S. here, so non-American advice may not be the best thing for me, not sure.

I am living with an undiagnosed serious illness (haven't eaten for 45 days.) I am off work on FMLA, which is a thing businesses in the U.S. offer to their employees where you can taker time off and they will keep your job for you, but you don't get paid. We are not exactly poor, but we are going to be surviving for at least a month on a single income. That will be hard, but we'll make it if we cut back.

HOWEVER.

I have $1000 in medical debt, which will just keep climbing, and I also have a cousin who says that he can get me into the best hospital in New York- I'm in Indiana and we're not exactly at the forefront of medicine- to get thoroughly tested. I cannot afford either of these things. We do not have temporary disability insurance.

I have a lot of friends and relatives who might donate, but I feel like such an asshole asking for money. Especially when my wife is working and has a decent job. I've done everything I can since I was 18 to make it on my own and, while I have had to take handouts in the past, it was at the 'this or starve' level, and my doctor hasn't run out of tests to do on me yet, so I wouldn't quite put it like that. And what if the money isn't enough to go to New York and pay for all of this testing? Do I give it all back?

So should I do a GoFundMe? What do you think?

Please, please, please, please do not give me medical advice. I really really do not want medical advice from strangers on the Internet. I leave that to professionals. But I would love this bit of AITA advice.

TL;DR - Very ill, not working, in debt, possible solution in another state. Should I do a GoFundMe?

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[–] [email protected] 55 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Do what you have to do. If people give you money, it's out of their own volition.

Hope you get better.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago (6 children)

I know, but they're my friends and I don't want them to think less of me since I'm asking for handouts.

[–] [email protected] 38 points 1 year ago

If they're really your friends, they will be happy to help you.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I've experienced similar quandaries in my life before, but you have to ask yourself, "would I think any less of my friends/family members if they asked me for help?"

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

I'd maybe be a little hurt that my friend didn't think they could ask for some help.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Fair.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

American individualism and 'bootstrapping' is one of the great American Lies. There is no shame in needing help because broken social systems failed you. Anyone who would think less of you for needing help with medical bills is someone you don't want in your life anyway. if we were truly a civilized nation you wouldn't be having this problem.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

What if you have something that needs to be caught early? You need to get to NY and find out and not fumble around in the dark in Indiana. I'm not shitting on the doctors in Indiana either, some places are more specialized and it sounds like your doctors are more general health or things they see a lot.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

What if you have something that needs to be caught early?

It's a little late for that, but I do appreciate the advice because it really is worth going if I can get the money to do so. It will just be a very expensive trip because, even though I would be driving to New York, I will need a place to stay in NYC before they check me in, unless it will be outpatient, and after I'm checked out to recover. And then, of course, there will just be the cost of the testing there. So this is a lot of money we're talking about and I don't even know if I'll reach that amount. I don't even know what the goal should be.

But everyone seems to think that I should do it, so I guess I'm going to move forward on this. I want to make absolutely sure I could get into the New York hospital first though. I don't know this cousin all that well. It's conceivable that he might be full of shit. He sounds sincere, but I can't be sure.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Do you know what hospital it is? They might want to study your issue or can give advice to get around the system. In Seattle, we have the UW teaching and they do things for less. Teaching hospitals are the best for mystery illnesses.

Also, when you ask for help, you're giving the opportunity for others to do good in the world. It can be (not always) a gift to the givers as well. I'll need you to remind me of this in the future, lol.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Yes, I do know which hospital and it is connected with a university, but I still have to pay for it, which will still mean more medical debt. Good point about giving others the opportunity to do good.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I know your stressed, but your health is more important than money and pride. It's much easier to see from my point of view, I know. I've been in your situation myself though and it really sucks. But once you've asked for help, it's strangely not that big of a deal.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (2 children)

It's definitely pride over stress, but I don't agree with you about it not being that big of a deal. I still look back on times I've asked for help and felt embarrassed by it even though I know I had no other option at the time. I guess I'm kind of messed up that way? So I'll feel guilty regardless, but it sounds like it's necessary.

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You could ask a friend to set one up for you, which could help lessen that stigma

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Great advice already here

Another thing is that you're not directly asking any particular person to donate. They have the option to just share the post with others (which is also great because there are more people out there who also want to donate/advocate on your behalf).

You can also include a message similar to what you have here :)

Hope things improve for you!

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Consider going to see a clinical psychologist for therapy. I know you’re already swimming in debt but it sounds like you could benefit from this. Even if you had to wait until you return to work, it sounds like you’re going through it.

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[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed would you judge a friend harshly for asking for help? Of course not. Do what you need to do to survive.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

True, I wouldn't.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

I agree with the post above. As an American and as someone going through something similar, if it comes down to either asking for some funds from friends and family to aid in taking care of your family -- or risking medical debt -- take any help you can get. As you said in the original post, debt will start to compound and can get out of control fast. Further, managing that debt and your medical issue at the same time may take a wild toll on you and your family.

Take care of you and yours first, pay it forward when you are healthy. People won't think you're an a-hole if you are responsible with what they give. Anyone who does think badly of you for asking for help.... You maybe should reevaluate your connection with them because id bet people that care just want you back to good health.

Best of luck figuring it all out, I know it can be hard.

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Get your ass to that hospital, money be damned!!

This sounds very serious. At this point, you need to decide if you want to live and possibly be paying medical debt off for a while, or die.

Definitely put up a go fund me, but SWEET JESUS don't let the thought of medical debt drive you to what is essentially suicide.

Google tells me this:

Medical bills are generally classified as nonpriority unsecured debts, and they're a type of debt most likely to be discharged, or wiped clean, in a bankruptcy.

A bankruptcy follows you for a decade or less, so worst case, declare bankruptcy.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I appreciate what you're saying, although bankruptcy would really be a last resort because the debt is in my name, but I'm pretty sure bankruptcy would affect both of us and her credit rating is really, really good.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

I've been there, I have friends there now! Your health is worth more than money.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

You can file bankruptcy independently. It’s a bit more complicated but possible.

I just went through it and honestly, I’m so relieved. It’s not something you want to go through, but sometimes people fuck up and can’t unfuck their finances. It helped me and my wife unfuck our finances. We declared bankruptcy in March and were debt free by May. We now own a house and are actually able to live our lives how we want. Our daughter turned a year and we decided to throw her a massive bday. We put 2 grand into her party. Something we couldn’t have done with our debt. We’re going to a couple USL playoff games this season as well.

On top of that we got new flooring in our house, something we desperately needed. We just had a new furnace installed. I have a quote coming for replacing our stairs that are falling apart. The loans are a pain to get but it’s doable and we’re paying them off before the interest gets too bad. Again, something we wouldn’t be able to do in debt.

Bankruptcy shouldn’t be something anyone wants to do, but also don’t be afraid of it.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago

Until you know what it is, you can't treat it. Until you treat it, you can't return to normal for your family.

Go for it

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago

Needing help doesn't make you a bad person - do it. If it makes them think less of you, them they weren't very good friends anyway.

Everyone struggles at times. Anyone can fall on hard times. That doesn't make you a piece of shit, it makes you unlucky - especially when it's for medical reasons!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

FMLA isn't something that "businesses offer" it's a legal requirement that they are required to follow.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago

Only if they have over 50 employees. Mine does not. They offer it.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

Hope you get better. Don't feel bad for asking for help. You aren't an asshole.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Take the money where it is available

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

The only thing I have to add is that there is this societal shame associated with asking for help. And it's fucking ridiculous!

We all need help sometimes, and others often want to help, but aren't aware you need help if you don't ask.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Do it and DM me the link please. :)

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (5 children)

I know several people who have done this and it's helped. I don't see the down side, unless nobody donates. Then you feel very unloved.

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

You should be getting paid just for how much you contribute to Lemmy

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (4 children)

What's worse: Having your friends MAYBE "think less" of you for asking for money to fund your medical needs (and if they do think less, they weren't your friends anyway)....or death? Because this sounds like life or death, dude. A Go-Fund Me isn't asking 1 person to foot the bill for a large amount, it's asking many people to give a small amount. My cousin did a Go-Fund Me when she had brain cancer and sent it to everyone she knew, and we all donated.

Do you need the money fir actual medical bills, the ticket to NY, or both? I guess an alternative is taking out a medical bill loan (a quick Google search says they exist), but I don't know much about them. You said you have good credit, so you should be able to get one. Just because you have debt doesn't mean they won't give you the loan.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and that our American health care system is such shit.

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm from the country above, but what you described seems like something worth fundraising for. Not eating for 45 days is scary even as the reader (I understand you probably consume food somehow).

I hope you get the help you need and come out of this strong 🙏

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I'm living on Ensure.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Have you inquired about financial assistance from the hospital?

A lot of hospitals offer this service but don’t advertise it. Source: work in a hospital

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I don't think making a GoFundMe for that is anything bad, in fact I'm of the opinion that it would be better if it was only a single GoFundMe that everyone is forced to contribute depending on how much they earn, and then everyone can use that, it would be a way to get the public to have access to healthcare, so we could call it public healthcare system, I think almost every other country in the world has a version of this which is why even if you hadn't mentioned places I know which country you're from.

As for the answer to whether you're the asshole is: It depends. Do you vote for politicians that oppose public health? If so then you're the asshole, you're saying that you are special and you deserve to have your treatment paid for you whereas other people do not. If you vote in favour of politicians that support public health, then you're not the asshole, because your vote indicates you're willing to do the same for others and had the people you voted done what you wanted you wouldn't need that GoFundMe, nor would anyone else in the same situation.

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