Sorry to revive old thread, but there's people here who want to talk and wanted you to know that. I'm sorry your first experience with polyamory was not a good one (or maybe it is now idk).
this post was submitted on 20 Dec 2023
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Poly for about a year, happy to listen. What's up?
Joined a polycule, was in the relationship bout a year too. THE best and most communicative relationships I've ever had.
Things started fizzling out right as they were prepping to take a trip to see another partner (i was the newest partner) and then they broke off right after. Things are still amicable cause they were honest about not likeing me as much as I liked them but the timing is just making me feel super insecure. And that insecurity is getting in the way of staying freinds with everyone.
Dang, that sucks! Were you dating both (all?) of them or just one? Did they tell you why they wanted to de escalate?
I've been polyam for years now and the thing that keeps surprising me is that polyam relationships often end exactly like mono relationships...where one person is just totally blindsided by the de-escalation. The other thing that surprises me is it hurts just the same. I've certainly been on both sides of it many times now and it's never any easier.
Sorry you're going through it right now comrade
Think you, I really needed to hear that. And yeah just the one.
I'm sorry they broke things off with you. It can definitely feel a bit awkward if that person was the only member of the polycule you were dating, like they were or are now some sort of gatekeeper to being friends with the rest of the polycule. Are you finding it harder to spend time with others in the polycule in larger groups (with or without the person you seeing present) or in connecting and spending time in smaller groups or one on one with the others?
I wasnt really close with anyone else just freindly. And yeah theres a regular online space where we would all meet up and its sorta led by the person I was dating. Its really thrle presence of the partner they took the trip with thats making it hardest for me. They werent in that space as much until after the trip. And things suddenly broke off after I was trying to make an effort to be freindly to that metamor.
It sounds like they were holding their cards close so they could play the field. It hurts to feel like you did something wrong, but I don't think you're the one missing out here if you were trying to get involved and they weren't responding. Imo communicating and getting involved is exactly what you should be doing. And if they didn't communicate their feelings needs, and trajectory, feeling like they could just throw you out, I think that's a bullet dodged.
You're more valuable than that.
They honestly did a wonderful job of communicating. I think their feelings changed a bit before the trip and they just now finnally sorted themselves out enough to communicate. Trip was a month ago tho. So yeah it just sucks.
Things ended amicably and we both still really wanna be freinds. But if what you say was going on, or like a metamor asked them to, those things would kinda make a freindship impossible. And greiving a best freind is so so much worse than just a breakup.
Thank you though. The sentiment is a huge help!
I won't judge, but while I've considered polyamory, I have never engaged in such a relationship, at least yet.