davetansley

Russ at Retro Game Corps seems to like the 2S, and I'm tempted myself. Is anyone planning to pick one up?

Everyone knows about Final Fight, right? This 1989 Capcom beat 'em up feels almost genre defining, even though it was not the first beat 'em up of its type. Nevertheless, it cast a long shadow over games that came after it, especially those released by Capcom.

And with good reason. Final Fight is awesome, even today. It's a simple enough concept - gang kidnaps ex-Street Fighter and new Mayor Mike Haggar's daughter, so Mike and his pals Cody and Guy undertake a mission to save her. Said mission involves beating up fools, swinging various weapons, taking part in a wrestling match at one point, and eating lots of food out of trashcans. You can play as either of the three pals, and even bring a pal of your own along as a second player.

It's a lot of fun, and well worth a look today. It hurls hordes of bad guys at you that you slice through with kicks and punches and special moves. Nothing quite beats the feeling of your guy disappearing under a pile of ruffians, only to emerge with a cyclone kick to send the bastards flying.

But it was also a technical powerhouse, with massive sprites, detailed backgrounds and a ton of stuff on screen at once. So how the hell would this behemoth fit into a humble ZX Spectrum? Grab a trash-chicken and let's find out...

Let's deal with the Amstrad and Spectrum versions together, since they share a lot of the same DNA, not to mention failings.

Okay, there's no two ways about this. 1991 was way late in the life of the 8-bit home micros. They were about two generations behind the curve at this point, and time had not been kind. So any hope of getting a decent port of Final Fight onto these two was wishful thinking at best. Yet, somehow, someone thought it might be a good idea...

There are two ways you can look at these versions.

First, you can judge them on merit. And, honestly, they come up wanting. They're both terrible games, by any measure. To their credit, both attempt to copy the arcade to the best of their abilities, including all three playable characters, all stages, most moves, a representative sample of the animation frames... but it's this ambition that cripples both ports. Because the result is a slow, jerky, indistinct mess (especially on the monochrome Spectrum) that is really difficult to play. Moves take forever to animate, collision detection is terrible, every single-enemy fight is more like a boss fight in the length of time it takes to play out. There are glitches aplenty and both versions share a quirk that sees your character getting frozen to the spot after every punch or kick, standing there like Mitch McConnell while the enemies pile on. On top of that, weapons are useless, Cody and Guy are useless, and the game generally feels like a kind of torture.

But there's another way of looking at them... because there is clearly some achievement there. They are both recognisably Final Fight. The sprites, the locations, the enemies, all reasonable representations of Final Fight. They play like Final Fight, albeit Final Fight shot through a prism of shit. They attempt big boy feats they have no business doing, like the animated train on level two, or the wrestling arena. They both have the fancy animated intro... these are clearly not mindless cash grabs. There was talent here, talent that pushed these two machines beyond what anyone would have thought possible in 1982. It just feels like wasted effort.

Worth a look for novelty value alone.

I've kept the C64 version apart from the other two because it is a very different beast, and a very different kind of bad. As is often the case, the C64 went its own way and knocked out a port that feels inspired by Final Fight at best. The levels are similar only, the sprites are smaller, the whole feel of the game is different.

It has a weird kind of floaty feel to it. There's this strange quirk where landing a kick will only have an effect a short time later. So you'll kick a dude, you'll get a sound effect, then about half a second after that, the dude will fly backwards. It's almost surreal.

The thing is, this port almost feels like it could have been a decent game. Just rounding off the sharp edges would have helped a lot, and it could have been a fun two player beat 'em up in the Renegade style. It's just not Final Fight.

Surely things are better on the 16-bit micros, right?

Well, yes and no. The Amiga port is clearly superior to the 8-bits. It has some great intro music, the graphics are colourful, the sprites massive and reasonably well-animated. It just has that undeniable Amiga-arcade-port quality of something feeling off. It doesn't feel fluid or hectic like the arcade. There are fewer enemies at once, the control is hampered by a one-button joystick and feel sluggish, and the difficulty feels off, with stunlocks happening far too often.

But it's not the worst Amiga arcade port out there, and would probably serve you well if you were looking for bit of quick mayhem.

The same can't be said of the Atari ST port, sadly. This version looks similar to the Amiga, but with fewer colours. It has some terrible character-block scrolling that wouldn't look out of place on the Amstrad. And the sound is about Spectrum quality. Not the ST's finest hour.

Over on the console, and things look a little better, as you might expect.

Starting with the SNES version, which is definitely the runt of the litter. It's not terrible, it plays pretty well, it just feels cut down. That's because it is... only two characters available (sob, poor Guy). No two player mode. Some weird early-90s censorship that saw various female enemies replaced by cookie-cutter male hoodlums. A whole missing level. Some missing level transitions. And a generally drab looking appearance.

Not awful, but not great by any means.

It should be noted that Japan got a version called "Final Fight Guy" which returned Guy to the game... at the expense of Cody. So close.

Let's end on two high notes.

The Mega CD version of Final Fight is superb! From the animated, voiced intro, to the faithful reproduction of the gameplay, to the extras that this version includes, everything feels complete. It plays well, it sounds amazing, it is the first port so far that actually captures the essence of the arcade incredibly well. It has lots of enemies on screen at once (not quite as many of the coin-op, but better than the SNES).

If I was compelled to level but one criticism, it would be that the colour palette feels a little off, which is probably a limitation of the Megadrive itself. It just leaves things looking a bit... gritty.

But that shouldn't deter you! This port is awesome and well worth a play!

But for all that the Mega CD version is great, it's not my favourite...

That accolade goes to, surprisingly, the Gameboy Advance!

The GBA got a port titled "Final Fight One", which is basically a port of the arcade, so it counts. Unlike the SNES, all characters are present, as is a two player mode via link cable. All stages are here, and the game generally looks a lot more vibrant. Due to the nature of the GBA screen, it does feel a little "zoomed in", but you get used to it.

Where this port succeeds the most is in how it plays. It is fluid as hell, fast and easy to control. You get the same frantic feeling as the arcade, with lots of enemies flying all over the screen. The music really adds to this feel, with some cool renditions of the arcades tunes.

Overall, a really complete package and well worth playing today!

So what are your memories of Final Fight? Did you suffer through the Spectrum version or were you lucky enough to get the Mega CD port?

Miyoo Mini Plus here, where I’m currently playing through GBA Advance Wars, which I’ve somehow never played before. It’s absolutely perfect for a half-hour pickup.

So, what are you playing? Let me see those handhelds!

Vigilante was a 1988 Irem coin-op, a kind of spiritual successor to 1984's Kung Fu Master/Spartan X. Like the 1984 title, Vigilante had a simple premise - you walk to the right and beat up fools in front of you and behind you. There's no pseudo-third-dimension, no in and out, it's just straight up single plane brawling, taking on ruffians before they get the jump on you. At the end of every stage, you fight a boss, then those self-same ruffians drive a van away containing your girlfriend... Madonna.

It's never made clear if it's the real Madonna you're trying to rescue, or just a Madonna. But rescue her you must. And to help you do so, you can find a wide array of weaponry that can be used to dispatch fools faster. Weapons such as nunchuks and... actually, just nunchuks.

Vigilante isn't a terrible game, but it's not a great game either. It certainly has a distinctive look, with characteristic late-80s chunky sprites, this time with thick black borders that really make them pop. The main character is recognisable and distinct, sporting a fetching pair of dungarees, and the levels look suitably grungy. But it's just not that interesting. Literally all you do is move forward and hit people, the skill being in how you cover your front and back effectively.

So, from a pretty low baseline, can the home ports inject any kind of interest? Let's take the power into our own hands!

Top of the shitheap, as always, is the Amstrad version. It's especially bad this one, with the usual trademark Amstrad chunky-colourful graphics and rage-inducing jerky scrolling. In it's defence, it doesn't look too bad in still form, it's only when you see it moving that you experience the true horror of it. It's main problem though is not its looks - it's how it plays. There's no sense of actually fighting, hits aren't clear, the sound effects give no clue. You just kind of move forward and mindlessly mash.

At one point, some guy just started following me. He didn't attack, he wouldn't even face me. When I approached him, he moved away. It was one of the spookiest glitches I'd ever seen. Eventually, I had to let the time run out on the level, because he just couldn't be killed. Another time, my guy "fell" down to a lower level where the goons couldn't touch him and I was able to finish the level. So it's a bit buggy...

Oddly, when I got to the second level, I found myself warming to it... which pretty much proves that Stockholm Syndrome is a thing!

Must try harder, Amstrad!

Nibbling at the shitty coattails of the Amstrad version, is the C64 port. The C64 normally does well in these comparisons, excelling at music, sound effects and graphics. Not this time. Vigilante on the C64 is as drab and unappealing as a wallpaper paste cocktail!

It just looks so bleak and recreates nothing of the arcade. It is jerky in motion and slow as hell, with the main character sauntering along with all the urgency of a tranquillised sloth. But its most egregious sin is not in the looks department - it's the music. It's atrocious, jarring, repetitive, grating... exactly the opposite of how C64 sound should be.

Foreshame, C64, foreshame!

Having just lambasted its 8-bit cousins for their shoddy visual recreations of Vigilante, you might expect that I'd whip the Spectrum with the same stick? ... Are you new?

Listen, the Spectrum version of Vigilante is no looker. It's a headache waiting to happen in places, with gaudy blocks of colour and a flippant, devil-may-care approach to colour clash that is almost commendable in its audacity (though, it does offer to let you play in monochrome, something I've never seen any other Spectrum game offer!)

But we expect that from the Spectrum, and it's not the worst looking Spectrum game out there... So we can be a little bit more forgiving of its visual failings (of which it has many) and look beyond them to the game itself. And... as is so often the case... the Spectrum manages to turn in a B+ recreation of the Vigilante arcade experience!

It's smooth enough, it controls well, it hits you with enough enemies to make it feel like the coin-op. All the levels are intact, as are most of the bosses. The enemies are recognisable. It's... not bad to play.

It just looks like sick.

On to the Amiga, and I'm forced to pick up my lambasting stick again.

There is no reason why the Amiga version should be this average. Granted, it's not quite the appalling war crime that the Amstrad and C64 versions are, it is at least playable. It's just so... meh. The graphics are meh. The sound is meh. It has juddery scrolling, somehow. It's one of those mid-generation Amiga ports that feels like the devs didn't quite know what the Amiga was capable of, a veritable Atari ST port if ever I saw one.

Sigh.

Okay, let's leave the home computers behind and finish up on a few high notes.

First up is the Sega Master System, punching above its weight as is so often the case. This port makes a few changes - Madonna becomes Maria, and the gang you're fighting change from "The Skinheads" to "The Rogues". No idea why.

Visually, it does a good job of recreating the arcade, albeit with a lick of SMS paint. The sprites are small, but have character and the whole thing controls well. Sound is good, in both vanilla SMS audio and fancy FM sound. And it generally plays quite well.

There's an interesting quirk in this version where you can basically jump over a significant portion of the enemies. They run at you, you jump, and they carry right on by, never troubling you again. Not sure if this is intentional or not...

If I had to offer one criticism, it's that, unlike the other ports, this one sends you back to the start of the level when you lose a life, even if you'd made it to the boss.

Still, a good effort generally.

Saving the best till last...

When it set its mind to it, the humble PC Engine was capable of doing some quite amazing things - see its port of R-Type for proof - and Vigilante is thankfully one of those amazing things.

Its resemblance to the arcade original is uncanny at times, with a similar colour palette, the same chunky sprites, the same black outlining. It sounds great, with beefy effects and some great tunes. Most importantly, it actually plays really well. I'd almost say I prefer it to the arcade, it feels more forgiving. Unlike all of the other ports, it reproduces the bosses in their entirety, including the twins on level 2.

That said, it doesn't really add anything, and the gameplay experience is ultimately haunted by the same ghosts of mediocrity that the arcade original has. But if Vigilante is your cup of tea, then you could do a lot worse than picking up a copy of the PC Engine version!

If fur loincloths and large axes are your thing, then the eighties was a hell of a time to be alive. It seemed like barbarians were everywhere. In movies, there was Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja and Beastmaster; on TV we had He-man and the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon (Bobby was technically a barbarian!); and in videogames you could live out your wildest horn-helmed fantasies while playing the likes of Rygar, Barbarian 1 & 2, Legendary Axe and, of course, Rastan Saga...

Rastan Saga (just Rastan in the US) is a 1987 Taito coin-op in which you play Rastan, a mighty king who is reliving his past adventures as a lowly barbarian. The gameplay takes the form of side-scrolling hack and slash, in which you move left to right and dispatch an endless horde of soldiers, monsters and bosses. Along the way, you pick up various items that boost your stats temporarily and various weapon upgrades, the best of which is a fireball shooting sword.

It's a fun game with some detailed and imaginitive graphics and atmospheric music. It's also incredibly hard, with some parts being veritable coin-guzzlers (the fire pits at the end of level one, for example!) It also punishes any hint of methodical play by sending flocks of bats after you the moment you start to shilly-shally. Damned those bats!

Rastan Saga wasn't widely ported, but it did arrive on the 8-bit micros and a couple of other platforms. But are any of the ports worth playing today?

The least impressive port is definitely on the Amstrad. On the positive side, it is very much an Amstrad port in its own right, rather than a lazy Spectrum port. It's bright and colourful, with a chunky Rastan sprite. But it is sooo slow and the scrolling is jerky as all hell. It also has a weird quirk where the ropes you climb aren't reachable with a normal jump and require a more coordinated super jump. This results in lots of lost lives, as you're swamped by enemies while you try to hit the right pixel spot.

It doesn't even attempt the music, settling for just a few sound effects.

I'd probably skip this one.

On the Spectrum, things are better, in gameplay at least. Looks-wise, it's no stunner. Mostly monochrome, as expected, with garish, distracting backdrops that tend to swallow a lot of the action and make the fire pit jump especially difficult. But it moves really quickly and controls just like the arcade. Most of all, it feels like the arcade, at least as much as can be expected.

On the 128k models, there's a passable rendition of the Rastan theme that plays during the game and some spot sound effects. So, not a bad effort.

Worth a look if you're a Speccy purist.

Okay, now we're talking. The C64 version of Rastan is really good! It's a little drab, but the graphics are distinct and chunky, and the scrolling is butter smooth. It has all of the moves from the arcade, and the levels are faithful renderings of the originals. The music is predictably good, playing throughout gameplay.

But, man, is it hard. The firepit jumps on level one are especially punishing, as are the log jumps on level two (I never got further than this, even with cheats).

If you're going to play one of the 8-bit micros, give this a look. It holds up surprisingly well!

The last of the arcade-faithful conversions was on MSDOS machines. It's surprisingly good, with the Rastan sprite being a commendably chunky boy. The music is good, the sound effects are good and the graphics are like recoloured versions of the arcade. My only real complaint is that it feels zoomed-in, which leads to it feeling a bit claustrophobic. Like the other ports, it is incredibly hard.

As well as the western computer ports, a couple of conversions came out of Japan, with Taito undertaking the work themselves. For some reason, they chose to "reimagine" the game, keeping the structure and asthetic, but rearranging the levels. This kind of works, but also tends to lose something from the source. I'll include them here for completeness.

The first of these ports was on the Sega Master System. It's a good game, bright and smooth with very clear graphics. The main character is like a mini-Rastan, but it works to keep the speed up and avoid running into sprite limitations. In this version, you only get one life, but a more generous health bar. The levels are a also lot shorter and the bosses a lot easier. I found I had no trouble progresing quite far into this - no fire pit on level one helps!

The basic SMS soundchip produces a passable, chip tune version of the theme music. And if you were posh enough to have the FM chip, you get a much nicer, fuller rendition.

Overall, it's a really good conversion. But is it really Rastan?

Finally, we get to the MSX2, a platform not normally seen around these parts. This port is similar to the SMS version. Same modified levels, same smaller sprite, same difficulty. The graphics are slightly more detailed in parts, though the enemies are monochrome. It has a good rendition of the theme music and nice sound effects.

But it seems a little easy. It's sometimes better to just super-jump your way through the levels rather than stand and fight. That jump is very high and very floaty, which doesn't feel very "barbarian" at all.

Worth a look for novelty value.

So, if you're going to play one today, which should you check out? I think I'd go with the C64 version personally, but the SMS port is also worth a look if you don't value accuracy too much.

Note: there's also an Apple IIgs port, which looks pretty faithful on YouTube. Sadly, I don't have access to a IIgs emulator or MiSTer core. Has anyone played it?

What videogame jumps into your mind when you think of couch multiplayer?

Halo? Goldeneye? Overcooked?

For me, couch multiplayer gaming will always be California Games. It was a game that my friends and I played endlessly back in 1989. Couldn't get enough of it... To this day, it remains one of my favourite Sega Master System games.

It also got a ton of ports... but were are any of them any good?

Join the hack and find out, my dude...

California Games was originally developed by Epyx for the C64 and Apple IIe. It's an event-based sport sim, of the kind that was popular in the late 80s. Think Hyper Sports, but with more 'tude.

Events included: half-pipe, foot bag (hacky sack), surfing, skating, BMX and flying disk (frisbee). Each involves various combinations of skilful control and button mashing.

Overall, it's colourful and moreish, with just the right mix of DudeBro and SportsBro...

Let's start with the original C64 port.

Honestly, it's hard to overstate how much better this version is than the other 8-bit micros. It has it all - smooth controls, relatively colourful graphics, great sound. It also has far more interstitial graphics and menus than the others, as well as the "correct" list of sponsors.

Some events are better than others - half-pipe is terrible, no matter which version it's on; while surfing is a lot of fun.

Overall it's still worth a look today.

At the other end of the quality spectrum, is the actual Spectrum. Crash Magazine gave this version 36%, and I think that was somewhat generous.

The graphics ruin this one, lacking even that classic Speccy-charm. One event in particular (BMX) looks like a borderline hate-crime. Sound is nonexistent, all of the colour and life has gone from the menus and control is pretty terrible.

Buuuut, all the events are in there, and it moves reasonably well... So it could have been worse, I suppose...

Speaking of "worse", we come to the Amstrad version...

Oh boy.

Basically, it's the Spectrum version, with a bit more colour and a lot less speed.

The lack of speed really ruins this one, making it the sick relative of the already ailing Speccy port. It just makes the timing impossible... foot bag is suddenly painful, half-pipe ends up being impossible. Even surfing loses any joy.

And, for some reason, the foot bag character is an out-of-shape, middle-aged man in a vest... This isn't the escapism I'm looking for in my games!

Sorry Amstrad fans.

Next up is the Amiga version.

Not a lot to say about this one. It's the C64 with a 16-bit lick of paint. It has the full menus and sponsors, some really funky Amiga-esque music, and generally plays well. Flying disk swaps a lady thrower for a buff dude, but that's about the only difference.

A good, solid port.

My personal favourite is the Sega Master System port. Something about this game really fits the Sega blue-sky aesthetic.

The addition of a second joystick button adds some much-needed flexibility to the BMX event, and the console fluidity helps the timing on the half-pipe and foot bag events, making them both far more enjoyable.

If you're going to play California Games, this wouldn't be a terrible place to start.

There's a NES port as well, which has all of the elements of the game, but just doesn't feel as "together" as the SMS version. It's a lot more drab, and the controls feel fiddly in places.

Also, in the flying disk event, you seem to be throwing to your mum. And she doesn't look at all happy with you.

Overall, not terrible, not brilliant.

The MegaDrive version pretties up the graphics a lot, being by far the best looking port. Unfortunately, it seems to lose something of the simplistic charm of the game. It goes it's own way on sound and presentation in a lot of places as well. It also, bizarrely, omits the flying disk event...

It's not a bad port by any means, it just feels like more of a re-imagining rather than a remastering.

If you lived your late 80s teenage life in computer magazines, as I did, you'll probably have an imprinted recollection of Californa Games on the Atari Lynx. It seemed to be the game that was running in all the photographs - that or Blue Lightning.

This port cuts the events down to four, losing Skating and Flying Disk. It has it's own aesthetic and some funky scaling effects. And surfing goes to the left, weirdly. Overall, it controls and plays really well.

Finally, and most surprisingly, the Atari 2600 got a port, probably one of the last games to be released for the system. And, somehow, it isn't terrible!

Don't get me wrong, it is cut back significantly, and some of the events are unrecognisable (BMX for example). But it plays like California Games, and it feels a bit like California Games.

It's something of a miracle that it exists at all really... but if you were somehow still on Team 2600 in the late 80s, this would have brightened your day.

If you're going to play one version: give the C64 port a go!

Some games arrive right on time, while some games arrive later than they should... but some, a rare few, arrive way too early. Like Micronaut One.

You've probably never heard of Micronaut One, and with good reason. It was a single platform, 1987 title that was released with little fanfare and to modest acclaim, on a platform largely only popular in Europe. It wasn't a sequel itself, nor did it generate a sequel or a franchise. It simply arrived, enjoyed a moment in the sun, then disappeared...

To my mind, this is a great shame. Not because Micronaut One was an amazing game (it was more technically intriguing, in my opinion, than amazingly playable), but because Micronaut One was so far ahead of its time that it deserves to be more widely known.

Even without digging into the finer details, Micronaut One sounds surface-level impressive. It is a first-person, solid 3D science fiction game, on the ZX Spectrum, of all things. In it, you pilot a craft around the winding, intersecting corridors of some great ship, manipulating the energy levels of various computer nodes in an effort to stop an overload.

As you travel around, you encounter various fauna that inhabit the ship with you. These mostly take the form of "Scrim", an insect lifeform with a three stage growth cycle - from invulnerable eggs, to creeping larvae, to egg-laying flies.

If you fail to destroy these creatures, they inevitably mature and start forming webs that block the corridors. Eventually, you'll find your route between the overloading nodes is impossible, and overload will be imminent...

If you know the ZX Spectrum, you can see that it's already pretty ambitious. It moves at a nimble pace in flawless 3D, looks great for a Spectrum game, and has a compelling game loop and tense atmosphere as you struggle to keep on top of the replicating Scrim.

But it's the extra details that make this game especially impressive, and well worth a few moments of your time in 2023. In parts, it feels like a game from much later, 1997 rather than 1987 say. It's almost Descent, 10 years before Descent even existed.

It has a menu/pointer configuration system. This may seem old hat, but back then this was virtually unheard of in 8-bit games. This system allows you to configure the game down to the smallest detail and lets you navigate the complex mapping system. It even lets you change the colour of various parts of the UI!

Next, it has a kind of mini-wiki built into it, giving background details on the ship and its inhabitants. Honestly, this was so unheard of back then, I can barely think of another example, let alone one this well presented.

In game, you're giving access to a map, and on that map you can set waypoints which the game will then plot routes between. As you're playing, your HUD will display an arrow telling you which way to go... again, this feels like something from the late 90s!

On top of all that, as well as the main game, Micronaut One also lets you play a racing mode, in which you compete against a "pacer" through the twisting corridors of the ship. It has leaderboards, various levels of pacer speed... It's amazing!

So, is it the best ZX Spectrum game ever?

No, sadly not. Despite all of its gratuitous innovation, it definitely has its shortcomings, some of which are especially vexing to a modern eye.

It is clunky to control, as you can't turn around in the corridors. Instead, you need to stop and then hit reverse, flipping your direction. This can lead to lots of alignment issues, as there are no strafe keys. Also, the menu can be difficult to navigate, requiring you move the "mouse" from side to side of the screen to back out to the game. And the sound is typically Speccy... ie, bleeps and burps and not much else.

But all that's wrong with it feels like something that could be fixed with a couple of months of extra work and a couple of decades of hindsight (strafe keys, a back button in the menu).

It feels like a shame that Micronaut One never got a chance to get an Amiga sequel, or a PS1 reboot. Instead, we should content ourselves with the fleeting moment of brilliance that was all this curious little game ever became.

#ZXSpectrum #Retrogaming

In the UK, we have a peculiar turn of phrase: "to make a good fist of" something. It means to put up a good show, to make the best of what you have, to succeed despite your challenges. And if you ever need to demonstrate to a non-English speaker what this means in practice, you can show them the 8-bit micro ports of Golden Axe!

Neither the Amstrad, C64 or Spectrum should be capable of running this game well. Yet, somehow, they all make a really good fist of it.

But which fist is best?

Arcade Golden Axe is a Sega classic. A two player fantasy hack 'em up, with three playable characters, some incredibly detailed and imaginative locations and enemies, a great soundtrack and plenty of goblin kicking.

It also came pretty late in the lifespan of the 8-bit micros, around 1990, a time when arcade conversions to the trusty three stalwarts were money generating afterthoughts, intended to milk a captive market hungry to play the big games. It's fair to say, expectations weren't high...

Worst of the three is, surprisingly, the C64 version. But, it's not terrible. It moves well, controls well, and the music is really good. It just feels extremely cut back.

It loses the two player mode of the other ports and generally has only one enemy on screen at once. Some of the enemy and creature placement is different as well. Shame, because it looks pretty nice in motion.

Next - and I'm going to have to ask you to trust me on this - is the really quite good Spectrum version.

Okay, so it looks like a bad Ceefax crash, but if you look beyond the graphics there's something of a game in there.

It feels like Golden Axe. It has the same enemy placement as the arcade. It has two players. It has all the playable characters. It just looks... bonkers.

But the best 8-bit micro port of them all, is the Amstrad version!

It is obviously cut from the same cloth as the Spectrum port, with the same arcade-faithful feel. Two players, all characters, plenty of enemies. But unlike the spectrum, it doesn't look like sick. It's Amstrad-chunky, you know? Colourful, bright, it moves pretty well and controls okay. It feels like a solid attempt that mostly works.

So a rare Amstrad win... among the feeble micros at least!

There were, of course, ports released on more capable systems.

The Amiga got a really good version. Clear, smooth graphics (albeit with quite sparse backgrounds at times) and an excellent soundtrack. In its initial release, it was let down by the limitations of a single button joystick (meaning jump was up and fire), but in this glimmering far future time, we're lucky enough to have the patched WHDLoad version, which allows for two button joysticks and makes the port much more enjoyable! Almost on par with the console versions, surprisingly.

No such luck on the Atari ST, which suffers not only from one-button limitations, but also everything else limitations. It's kinda like the Amiga version but with worse sound (so far, so normal), and has the play area bounded by two large gaudy UI panels. Boo!

The MSDOS port is okay, if a little nimble on my MiSTerFPGA emulation. It sounds good though, and the graphics are faithful. It did annoy me by demanding I produce a manual-based password before I could start the game... I had to find a forum post from 1995(!) to get around it (the password is probably AXE, if you're ever stuck like this!)

Finally, over on the consoles, the Megadrive port is the clear winner. It looks good (especially if you play the colour corrected version), and plays great. A quintessential early title for the system.

The PCEngine CD is, surprisingly, terrible. With drab graphics, jerky movement, the whole thing is annoyingly generally janky.

The Master System is better than it has any right to be. Very playable, but a bit jerky and only one playable character.

The biggest surprise is the (checks notes) Wonderswan Color version. Tiny and faithful, a great port and well worth checking out, should be looking for something to play on your, um, Wonderswan Color.

If you're going to play one, go with the Megadrive/Genesis version.

The first album I ever truly connected to... found when rummaging through my Dad's vinyl collection. I put it on on the strength of the cover alone, then listened to it endlessly for the next few year.

Ivan 'Ironman' Stewart's Super Off Road is a 1989 arcade release that plays kind of like a fancy Super Sprint. It's a single screen game where three players race their trucks over a number of courses, picking up nitro and money, and upgrading their vehicles between races. It's fast, goofy, chaotic and a lot of fun. The orginal arcade, notably, featured a three steering wheel cabinet.

On the face of it, this simple game looks ideal for home ports... but can they capture the mayhem of the original?

The Amstrad CPC port is, unsurprisingly, based on the Spectrum version. But in this case, they've at least attempted to include some colour. Sadly, this amounts to changing the track to orange-brown and adding colour to two of the cars, meaning that the other two remain resolutely orange-brown. It's a curious choice, but I guess they ran into some four colour screen mode limit. It's not terrible though, but it does suffer from some horrendous slowdown. Like the Spectrum, it allows for just two players.

Next up is the C64 version, and it's pretty good. It's more colourful than its 8-bit cousins, and it allows for up to three players. It moves and plays okay. But it feels a little bit stiffer, losing some of the chaotic speed of the original. Good attempt!

The Spectrum port is arrestingly yellow. Yellow cars on a yellow track, with your yellow car being distinguished by a yellow square above your vehicle that takes a good few seconds to spot. However, despite its monochrome shortcomings, the conversion itself is top notch. As is often the case with Speccy ports, you can't hang your hat on either the graphics or the sound, but you will frequently find that the feel of the arcade original is captured surprisingly well. And that is totally the case here. Great speed, fluid control, a lot of fun! And some surprisingly good 128K sound!

So, for the 8-bit micros at least (the only comparison that really matters) a Speccy win!

For the posh kids, the Amiga got an effortlessly competent port. Lovely smooth graphics that perfectly capture the arcade original. Not much to say about this one, other than it's very good indeed.

Over on the consoles, the SNES port is the best of the bunch. It looks, plays and sounds superb, retaining much of the original arcade and adding to it. Notably, the soundtrack is brilliant, with lots of catchy and memorable tracks. If you're going to play just one home port of Super Off Road, pick this one. It's rad!

The Megadrive/Genesis port... not so much. It's not terrible, it just tries to add a uniquely Megadrive spin on the game, which doesn't quite work. The end result is a drab looking version with a crunchy/scratchy Megadrive soundtrack which doesn't play quite as well as the SNES version.

On the 8-bit consoles, the Mastersystem is the best of the two. It's bright and crisp with good controls and smooth gameplay. The NES doesn't fare so well, with an incredibly drab palette that somehow swaps red for pink on the main car. However, it supports up to four players, which makes it unique among the home ports and even the arcade!

Sadly, the handhelds don't fare so well. All of them lose the single screen in favour of a scrolling play area, which tends to make the game feel a bit claustrophobic. The best of them is the Game Gear version, which is basically the Mastersystem version on a small screen, and it plays almost as well.

The Gameboy version, on the other hand, is a disaster, with slow scrolling, terrible controls and indistinct graphics. Kind of like a shitty RC Pro Am.

And even worse than the Gameboy port, is the Atari Lynx port. It initially looks promising, with chunky, colourful graphics that capture the arcade well. Then it starts moving... jerky scrolling, bad controls and annoying sound make this the very bottom of the bunch. Avoid!

... a version of which is somehow still running to this day!

R-Type is the greatest game ever made, right? Right? No? Then get off my land, you pervert. It just is.

The 8-bit ports of the game were mixed: the Amstrad got a terrible, slow, drab port. The C64 got a fun shooter that felt loosely based on the source, but which loses points for straight up doing it's own thing (as the C64 often did).

But it's the ZX Spectrum port that really shines. More colourful than it had right to be, fast, faithful, fun. It was a weird kind of miracle: so accurate you could even use your arcade learnings to do well at the game.

So, for the 8-bit micros at least, clear Speccy win!

...

But they were, all of them, deceived, for there was another 8-bit computer R-Type made.

On the internet, in the coding forums, homebrew coders forged in secret an Amstrad port to beat all the others. And into this port they poured colour, accuracy, music...

And the result is pretty great. Amazing to see what the Amstrad can really do when it isn't getting stinky Spectrum ports. I would say this one ties with the Spectrum port for playability.