niveky
My 16-year-old son has a similar background and behaviour. In spite of our constant support, non-judgement and patience, we get only rude, sullen responses, tantrums, and zero cooperation. Thank you for sharing your story because it shows I'm not the only one going through this. It feels like hell.
We try not to take the bait when he initiates conflict. We also face high expectations from him in terms of looking after his needs and wants (rides, spending money, feeding him) with nothing but ingratitude and grief in return. We keep catering to him because we feel like that's the only way to stay connected. He is testing us and perhaps wants us to reject him.
We also want to make sure he has safe transportation, a decent diet, and so on. Sometimes I imagine that he is so incredibly conflicted and absorbed by his internal struggles that he doesn't actually have anything left for other people or his own basic needs. That helps a bit.
A commenter mentioned that this all sounds like 4-year-old behaviour. I think it literally is: my kid's emotional state is like that of a very young child. I wouldn't expect a 4-year-old to get everything right, and I would be infinitely patient. It is harder with someone who looks like a young adult, but the same patience is necessary.
I don't have the answers, but I can tell you some things that we are doing.
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Take a break. My wife and I try to find times to get away -- for dinner, a walk, overnight, visiting friends. We need the perspective and the respite. Our relationship is at stake.
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Taking our cues from him. When he is willing to engage (even saying hello when we pick him up, say), we feel glad. When he isn't willing, we don't push it. We ask him to participate in household chores (walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, etc.), but we don't lose it when he doesn't comply. Sometimes he does, and we celebrate that. Our expectations have become very low: Is he eating? Good. Is he safe? Good. Is he going to school (not neecessarily to class, even just to the building)? Good. Everything else is a bonus.
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Going for counselling. He refuses to go to a counsellor, doctor, or any other intervention, but we still do. Sounds like you are also doing this. We have found it essential.
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Patience. We think he may get past this. Most people do. Even if they go through a lot of things in life, more often than not, kids grow into themselves eventually. We try not to overreact, judge, or push things. The status quo is better than most of the alternatives in our case.
Please don't listen to judgemental people trying to tell you that you are the whole problem. Of course you are all part of it -- that's the nature of relationships, but this is bigger than that.
We are in the middle of this, just like you, so I can't predict how it will turn out. Hold on and keep trying. Good luck!
All of this is fair, but I want to add some encouragement to consider more remote parts of Canada.
Most Canadians live relatively near the US border and, unless they have travelled, may assume the rest of the country is "uncivilized" -- not so! I have lived for decades in northern regions of Canada in very civilized communities!
I live in Whitehorse, Yukon now -- it is a small city (~30,000+ people), but very liveable, especially if you like outdoor activities and nature. We have all the basic amenities you could wish for (university, library, plenty of stores, trails, recreation, hospital, good restaurants, etc.) and many advantages you might not think of. I can say similar things of other places I have lived and worked in the far north.
Some advantages include sense of community, good access to health care, lots of good employment opportunities, less stressful atmosphere, welcoming people, grassroots politics, travel connections to major cities, natural beauty beyond comprehension, and, for immigrants, much quicker routes to permanent residency. The north is very diverse and surprisingly cosmopolitan, btw -- not all rednecks and yokels.
Northern communities are great places to get established and build up some capital -- even if you eventually decide to move to southern Canada. The north is chock full of people who came up for one summer and loved it so much they never left.
Especially in the territorial capitals, there are many jobs that don't suck! Federal, territorial, First Nations, and local governments, small and large businesses, and non-profits all hire highly educated and specialized workers to high paying jobs with good benefits (and often union membership). If you don't have Canadian credentials in your field, you may find it easier to get a foot in the door in the north.
Yes, the climate here in Whitehorse is cold in the winter, but very comfortable most of the time. We seldom have more than a week or two of unpleasantly cold temperatures (below -10°C) without a break. We also have real summers. Cold might sound terrible, but it really isn't! Yellowknife is the other largish city north of the 60th parallel and is a bit colder, but still very liveable. Similar can be said for lots of other even smaller communities in the territories and northern parts of provinces.
Are there disadvantages? Sure. Cost of living is higher, but so are wages. If you hate winter, you might have to learn to love it. Winter days are shorter further north, but summer days are longer. You have to hop on a plane to visit the big city, but that is not a bug, it's a feature.
Canada is a great place to live, but don't assume you have to live down south. Forgive the analogy, but northern, rural, and remote Canada is the lemmy to Southern Canada's Reddit!
Sorry for late reply, but maybe this will help someone.
I have been in the Yukon for over a decade and lived in BC for 15 years or so. I have also lived in other parts of the North, the prairies and even back East so I have many points of comparison.
Culturally, Yukon and BC share lots of similarities. First Nations culture is very important and many Yukon First Nations share cultural practices and history with Alaska and BC First Nations.
Whitehorse in particular is a "lifestyle" place with a mountain town feel -- people do a lot of outdoor activities here. It is a paradise for both old school huntin' and fishin' and snowmobiling as well as skijoring, snowboarding, SUPs, ultramarathons, backpacking, etc. If it can be done on mountains, rivers, lakes, or trails, people do a lot of it here.
One of my favourite analogies is that Yellowknife, NWT is to Edmonton as Whitehorse, Yukon is to Vancouver. All of them are great places, but their priorities and vibes are different.
Disc Golf!
Solid fun at any skill level and very modest cost. A round of disc golf is basically an excuse to go for a nice walk while hanging out with friends or even solo.
You can buy a few discs for 10s of dollars and can even share them if you want. Courses are everywhere (at least in Canada, but I suspect elsewhere too) and usually absolutely free. Discs are portable enough to take whenever you visit a new place. If you want to get serious, you can spend a little more, get more discs or a fancy bag, go to tournaments, but it is still cheap compared to almost any other sport and really hard to spend much money on.
I am absolutely terrible, but I get better every time and I have so much fun.