The Belem can be traced here

Saw one of those comments few months ago when going there, could be just a clueless user and lack of active mods to lock and monitor old threads

When I started reading your post I thought you are going to say "please don't bother us, use the report button". I was pleased to see that not only you did not discourage users to contact the admin team, you opened more channels to do so. Kudos!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Peacock

One proposal suggested that live chickens would be sealed inside the casing, with a supply of food and water. They would remain alive for approximately a week. Their body heat would apparently have been sufficient to keep the mine's components at a working temperature. This proposal was sufficiently outlandish that it was taken as an April Fool's Day joke when the Blue Peacock file was declassified on 1 April 2004. Tom O'Leary, head of education and interpretation at the National Archives, replied to the media that, "It does seem like an April Fool but it most certainly is not. The Civil Service does not do jokes."

Looks like your phone airbag activated probably tried to save it from fall damage

Groan Tube!!

...and then you get a sexy reply

Amount of time needed to engrave a circle using the subject's laser eyes

When shit hits the fan

Down to earth safari ride

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's Child Catcher was rather disturbing

Assuming your king is the white one:

You need to convince all the black pawns that sacrificing themselves to the strange machine will turn them white in the afterlife... or some other political racist bullshit