the_dunk_tank

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It's the dunk tank.

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The Onion misses (www.theonion.com)

submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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SHANGHAI—In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began selling Uyghur Muslims for $1.49 each this week. “The special price available during this lightning deal will lower the barrier to Uyghur ownership for consumers everywhere,” a Temu spokesperson told reporters, confirming that more than 100,000 of the subjugated ethnic and religious minorities from the Xinjiang region had been sold so far on the discount marketplace. “You won’t find prices on forced laborers this low anywhere else. When we tell our customers to ‘shop like a billionaire,’ we mean it.” Approximately 90% of Temu users reached for comment complained that the Uyghur laborers they had purchased arrived in such damaged condition that they no longer worked.

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[–] [email protected] 51 points 2 months ago

Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate citizen to give back to the global community, and that is why one out of every 10 dollars we earn will hence forth be used to support ethnic cleansing operations in the countries where we do business,” said CEO Ulf Mark Schneider, describing his deeply held belief that Nestlé had an obligation to work hand in hand with authoritarian governments to address the issue of ethnic minorities who have been deprived of wholesale slaughter. “That means every year we’ll donate more than a billion dollars to build the vital infrastructure necessary to eliminate unwanted races and cultures from woefully overlooked parts of the globe. Whether it’s providing funds for extermination camps, forced sterilizations, or just plain old blade-on-bone massacre, this effort will remain at the forefront of Nestlé’s philanthropic endeavors for years to come.” Schneider went on to assure shareholders that the new initiative would not interfere with Nestlé’s longstanding practice of investing in employment opportunities by building supply chains that rely upon the forced labor of children.