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The Onion misses (www.theonion.com)
submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

SHANGHAI—In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began selling Uyghur Muslims for $1.49 each this week. “The special price available during this lightning deal will lower the barrier to Uyghur ownership for consumers everywhere,” a Temu spokesperson told reporters, confirming that more than 100,000 of the subjugated ethnic and religious minorities from the Xinjiang region had been sold so far on the discount marketplace. “You won’t find prices on forced laborers this low anywhere else. When we tell our customers to ‘shop like a billionaire,’ we mean it.” Approximately 90% of Temu users reached for comment complained that the Uyghur laborers they had purchased arrived in such damaged condition that they no longer worked.

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[-] [email protected] 91 points 1 month ago

every accusation a confession

[-] [email protected] 51 points 1 month ago

Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate citizen to give back to the global community, and that is why one out of every 10 dollars we earn will hence forth be used to support ethnic cleansing operations in the countries where we do business,” said CEO Ulf Mark Schneider, describing his deeply held belief that Nestlé had an obligation to work hand in hand with authoritarian governments to address the issue of ethnic minorities who have been deprived of wholesale slaughter. “That means every year we’ll donate more than a billion dollars to build the vital infrastructure necessary to eliminate unwanted races and cultures from woefully overlooked parts of the globe. Whether it’s providing funds for extermination camps, forced sterilizations, or just plain old blade-on-bone massacre, this effort will remain at the forefront of Nestlé’s philanthropic endeavors for years to come.” Schneider went on to assure shareholders that the new initiative would not interfere with Nestlé’s longstanding practice of investing in employment opportunities by building supply chains that rely upon the forced labor of children.

[-] [email protected] 78 points 1 month ago

The Western view of China is absolutely cracked

There's a TV show called Evil and one of the primary plot points is that God designated a Chinese woman as his new prophet and of course, the Chinese government put her in a work camp on the behest of 60 demonic houses while the Vatican tries to negotiate her release

This is played 100% straight

[-] [email protected] 36 points 1 month ago

60 demonic houses

Title of Xi Jinping's next rap album.

[-] [email protected] 34 points 1 month ago

Gross. Also, an aside, I hate this type of horror subgenre. The Catholic Church are always the good guys, or at least flawed but good. There was some horror movie I watched that retconned the whole inquisition as the work of a demonically possessed priest that fooled the smol bean Vatican. My wife is a big horror fan, but doesn't like sci-fi horror :(, so I've seen a lot of these religious themed horror shows.

[-] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago

Oh shit, yeah, The Pope's Exorcist

Absolute dogshit of a movie

[-] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago

Wasnt there an inquisitor who killed jesus somwhere in dostoyevsky?

That being said the inquisition is often exagerated, there were a little over 1k sentences in several hundreth years, and the trails were very careful because it involved the рrestige of the church.

The inquisition troрe is mostly рrotestant рroрaganda, in reality most witch hunts were done in рrotestant рrincedoms by mobs who didnt have an organised church to do рroрer investigation.

So the inquisition was bad but not as bad as the рrotestant mobs.

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago

...by mobs who didnt have an organised church to do рroрer investigation.

The fuck is a proper witch investigation?

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[-] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

Yeah, the level of unhinged ferver was likely the inspiration on the 40k character Inquisitor Karamazov.

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[-] [email protected] 69 points 1 month ago

China must be playing 8D chess with its genocide methods because regulating Han birth rates while exempting Uyghurs, promoting affirmative action (gasp), building infrastructure, modernizing old cultural sites, and encouraging Uyghur culture while discouraging imported Saudi culture are rather unconventional compared to glassing the entire region

[-] [email protected] 69 points 1 month ago

wow actual garbage, Babylon Bee grade of take. severe misstep. the onion put on notice (you hate to see it)

[-] [email protected] 64 points 1 month ago

Hardest miss I've ever seen. Dreadfully unfunny. Did some turbolib break into their office and write this without anyone noticing or something.

[-] [email protected] 63 points 1 month ago

Hate to say it, but most Onion articles are this unfunny. The headlines tend to be the only funny part, the body of the article tends to just repeat the joke. Their old videos were much better, IDK if it's the same writers but the articles are far less humorous.

[-] [email protected] 45 points 1 month ago

Oh yeah those old onion videos are fantastic. The one about the military existing to protect America's gays always gets me

[-] [email protected] 28 points 1 month ago

Can't blame them too much. Nobody reads the articles, it's all about headlines. I wouldn't be giving it my a-game either.

[-] [email protected] 17 points 1 month ago

There are two that I remember making me laugh pretty hard but I was still in school back then so I probably had a much higher tolerance for low effort crude humor. One about the Secretary of Interior punching a buffalo in the mouth and the other one about Haiti hosting the 2216 Olympic Games (a lot less funny now that I'm older and know why Haiti is poor). You're right that the joke is invariably just rewording the headline over and over but sometimes that just works.

[-] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

Ever seen The Onion Movie? It’s classic oldschool onion and I loved it.

[-] [email protected] 25 points 1 month ago

iirc they came under new ownership a while ago and some of the editorial staff changed iirc

[-] [email protected] 60 points 1 month ago

Yep, that's definitely the Muslim minority that you should be worried about in this moment.

[-] [email protected] 51 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

dropping 2000 pound bombs on tents full of children inside your concentration camp: not genocide

mandatory vocational and language training in the face of western-funded terrorist violence: genocide, and also chattel slavery

[-] [email protected] 32 points 1 month ago

language training

My personal pet theory on why Americans are so convinced that language training is cultural genocide is because the average white yank refuses to believe that any person can speak more than one language.

[-] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago

The same people who insist that immigrants must integrate and be fluent in English to avoid being unpersoned.

[-] [email protected] 49 points 1 month ago

bruh-moment just wildly racist and the most gutter tier lib "humor"

[-] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago

Just your usual anti-asian racism from the anglosphere shithole.

[-] [email protected] 47 points 1 month ago

for a moment i thought they were making fun of the propaganda by making something extremely outlandish

but nope shame on me for being fooled

[-] [email protected] 13 points 1 month ago

Same tbh

Well can't have MLs run everything

[-] [email protected] 12 points 1 month ago

I dunno I think that'd solve a lot of problems

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago
[-] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

It's too late. I've already clocked you as a lib

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[-] [email protected] 46 points 1 month ago

I've meet people who are as left as me on every topic, even some who are at the very least skeptical of all the anti-DPKR propaganda, EXCEPT they fall for every anti-China bit of info they come across.

I genuinely don't think you cant Deprogram people from this, it's too deeply drilled into their brains. China could achieve FALGSC in the next 50 years and the children todays Americans will still post about muh-social-credit-scores wigger genocide Xi=whinnie da poo, on the FTL hyperspace net from a space station China built and maintains for them.

[-] [email protected] 34 points 1 month ago

China has always been hated by generations of Americans. They could turn into a liberal democracy tomorrow and they’d still hate them.

[-] [email protected] 23 points 1 month ago

People still call Russia communist

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago

I'm proof that you can deprogram people from that anti-China thought. It's just a slow process.

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[-] [email protected] 45 points 1 month ago
[-] [email protected] 43 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

the fuck is this shit

[-] [email protected] 41 points 1 month ago

Chinese Sting Operation Via Honeypot Temu Ads Nets Large Haul Of Western Human Traffickers Including CEOs And Congress Members

fixed it

[-] [email protected] 37 points 1 month ago

Wow this is awful.

[-] [email protected] 33 points 1 month ago
[-] [email protected] 30 points 1 month ago
[-] [email protected] 26 points 1 month ago

remember when liberals were saying the onion was tankie lol

[-] [email protected] 23 points 1 month ago

They also posted a suicide joke today. Very cool, the Onion.

[-] [email protected] 22 points 1 month ago

oof, hope they at least got that propaganda money from the state department, can't be leaving that money on the table if you're gonna shitlib

[-] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I had figured the onion’s been dead since condenast or whoever bought them but this is an unexpected low. A punch in the gut, their website and videos affirmed my nascent concerned-lib phase while I was growing up in a firmly conservative, racist, and overall bigoted suburb

[-] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

Kind of wild to see how they just adopt the exact same lazy bullshit whenever China comes up. Doesn't matter what outlet it is, it's like all their China articles are written by the same person, or at least to the same bullet point list. Which might be the case actually, now that I think it about it. Would explain why they always feel generic and lack the usual "voice" of an outlet.

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this post was submitted on 06 Jun 2024
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