spoiler
I think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did'nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don't fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that's as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don't even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I'm sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don't care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can't fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that
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I'm not in your situation, but I've been living with suicidal ideation for most of my life so I get the feeling on that front.
I can't say what will help you, but I know mushrooms was practically a miracle for me. I hate the trip, and since I usually take them when I'm feeling low it's not a good set/setting. But science says the trip quality has no effect on the ability to treat depression. What it does is give you some neuroplasticity, and that a godsend when you're stuck in these loops of dark thought. I usually don't have ANY suicidal ideation for MONTHS after taking shrooms, and even though the situation I'm in at the time sucks, I feel like a new person again. I come out of the trip with the energy and creativity I need to make the best of the situation and make some progress in my life, without constantly being ground down by hopeless thoughts.
There is a lot of science behind it too I'll add a few links at the end. If you do try it, do it during the day, nature is always good, you'll likely get nauseous and gravol or pot can help with that with some impact on the experience. Some people throw up during come up and report euphoria after so it's not all bad if you don't take anything. Try to get an open minded or experienced friend to trip sit if it's possible at all. There is also a playlist put together by researchers at John Hopkins on spotify to do psychedelic research that I find helps guide the trip. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7aVExA8Lb72NFNbRBZfJLJ
Normally I wouldn't recommend for a stranger to try psychedelics, but in this case, of you feel like you have nothing left to lose then you could have a lot to gain.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/newsroom/news-releases/2022/02/psilocybin-treatment-for-major-depression-effective-for-up-to-a-year-for-most-patients-study-shows
Whatever path you take, your life is worth living even if it doesn't feel like it now. Just being transgender these days shows you have taken on bigger challenges than this and come out ahead, regardless of any setbacks you'll run into. Just the information in this post shows you have a lot of life in you that's currently being expressed as anger and frustration and a desire to leave a mark in the world. Life has a lot of pain, but you obviously have the spirit to find happiness in it too.
I wish you luck and the good, long life you deserve.