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[Vent, Advice Wanted] If all you do is take, something's gotta give (hexbear.net)

submitted 4 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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For the last two months, I been putting up an old friend from a punk house since I moved into my house and couldn't leave out my lease. This friend has a lot of energy and motivation issues, and generally needs a lot of support. Beyond putting him up, I helped him leave out the punk house we used to live in that was getting evicted, got him a storage unit, and have helped out with about an errand a week.

I asked him if he would help me clean out the apartment since I had been putting him up and he basically shrugged me off. On top of that, now he's trying to change the timeline for getting out, but I need to do it this weekend when I am off work otherwise it will never get done. He knows this and we discussed it weeks ago.

Thankfully, some friends have agreed to put him up for a week as an 'off ramp' but it still feels like I am evicting him sort of.

I feel shitty because he don't have a real place to go in the city. At the same time, I have done as much as I can with the energy and time I have available. It also feels shitty that we would probably be better friends right now if I had just left him on the street.

Some help sensemaking is appreciated right now.

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

There's a lot of "what ifs" that can be thrown out to make sense of these situations and they're rarely as simple to fix as they seem on the surface. Supporting others is admirable and we should engage in supporting our communities where and when we can, but no one individual is an infinite well of resources...money, energy, time...at the end of the day, you also need to care for yourself! If you don't place boundaries, you will become overwhelmed, leaving not only one person in need of help, but potentially two.

I have done as much as I can with the energy and time I have available.

It's as simple as this and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Your friend has things going on that you cannot fix and it's not reasonable for you and you alone to support the weight of both of your lives in the long-term. This setup is unsustainable, not a personal failure.

Clearer boundaries should have been set to begin with, but you also set an expectation for when he would move out and if you don't hold fast to this, any boundaries or expectations you have set will be pushed as you've shown you were not serious about what you said. Holding fast to these is sticking up for yourself, not being a asshole, particularly if you've had these conversations and he agreed to them. Again, I don't really know all the details, so I'm assuming you are past the point of being flexible with his needs and your ability to provide support.

It's good that you've brought in some others to help, because numbers help make all of this easier. Beyond that, perhaps some sort of professional like a therapist, if accessible, would be something to try to help set him up with. You cannot fix the work alone.