chat

One difficult thing I've had to learn is that you really need to probe for people's committedness/alignment. There are billions of needy cases in the world, and if you don't carefully pick and choose, a steady stream of them that you come across will deplete you of resources and energy, and then you'll have had time gone by with nothing to show for it. Merely pitching in for people, instead of having a clear framework for how they can get in charge of their lives, will only exhaust you. You can orient yourself towards being detachable from most of the capitalist nexus with the ability to onboard committed people to do the same, or you can be a charity, taking care of people's daily and monthly needs.

In the past 4 years I've lent out almost $10k, and covered another $6k in rent for friends that I invited to live with me to save them from being homeless. I'm optimistically going to get maybe a quarter of all that back over the next 2-3 years. It probably would have made everyone better off if I wrote out a contract, obliging people to make a budget and follow it: if I can live on $400 a month, they should be able to live on $800 a month.

Specifically, I wonder whether I would have been able to make a down payment on a house with all that money, and then be able to more cheaply and easily and permanently harbor even more people. Everything you spend playing defense is something you can't spend playing offense.

In terms of energy and motivation, it takes a leap to get to a self-supporting position, but it's super easy to do something if another person is literally volunteering to do all the executive function for you. If someone can't even tack on to something happening right in front of them that they're invited to, they're only going to be dead weight for the foreseeable future. I've been the one in the position of being broke and crashing with friends for extended periods before I finally got over myself and accepted the mediocre jobs that were in arm's reach, but I at least did a couple chores here and there. I guess you either learn something from the experience or you don't.

There's a lot of "what ifs" that can be thrown out to make sense of these situations and they're rarely as simple to fix as they seem on the surface. Supporting others is admirable and we should engage in supporting our communities where and when we can, but no one individual is an infinite well of resources...money, energy, time...at the end of the day, you also need to care for yourself! If you don't place boundaries, you will become overwhelmed, leaving not only one person in need of help, but potentially two.

I have done as much as I can with the energy and time I have available.

It's as simple as this and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Your friend has things going on that you cannot fix and it's not reasonable for you and you alone to support the weight of both of your lives in the long-term. This setup is unsustainable, not a personal failure.

Clearer boundaries should have been set to begin with, but you also set an expectation for when he would move out and if you don't hold fast to this, any boundaries or expectations you have set will be pushed as you've shown you were not serious about what you said. Holding fast to these is sticking up for yourself, not being a asshole, particularly if you've had these conversations and he agreed to them. Again, I don't really know all the details, so I'm assuming you are past the point of being flexible with his needs and your ability to provide support.

It's good that you've brought in some others to help, because numbers help make all of this easier. Beyond that, perhaps some sort of professional like a therapist, if accessible, would be something to try to help set him up with. You cannot fix the work alone.

Not an asshole comrade, I had a friend of mine we put up for two years finally move out. Bit of a different situation though, he helped chip in/occasionally helped with chores but the problem really was that rent and living around here is just insane. Only reason he was able to get out was because he found two other people who happened to be moving out at the same time; sheer luck, honestly.

Most craigslist/other listing sites didn't really have a...decent selection of room-mates and it's better to take that risk with people you know if you can.

More and more people I know have the same issues with motivation and energy. I do from time to time; working at a simple job that pays decent for now despite being able to "apply" myself and get a better job, but I don't want the additional responsibilities for like...three or four extra bucks an hour.

You just only have so much to give and time doesn't work for any of us.