this post was submitted on 16 Dec 2024
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Not NT, but going to just say that this is one of the ways NT and ND communication differs.
It's pretty common that Actually Autistic, ADHD and some other neurodivergent brains share relatable stories as a way to connect and empathize.
While all parties can in these situations work to better accomodate the other, ND folks are a minority and more vulnerable in their position. A NT person can ask us to not share stories and explain they just need to vent, but them getting angry at us for our relatable story sharing is not ok and is a problem that forces masking and dismisses our completely valid communication style.
Yeah, but I guess I wanna hear from someone who is NT how they perceive it when it happens. A lot of people just aren't direct at all so I feel it would be more likely that someone would just pull away or share less with me or other people who communicate that way. I also hear this often but haven't heard that it's off putting directly from an NT person before so I just wanna know what goes through each person's mind and if the way I circle back is helpful or not
I'm also interested in what NT people perceive and what the NT expectation in a situation like this is. In my mind, the story sets the theme of the conversation so it only makes sense to relate similar stories. Am I just supposed to say, "Wow, that's awful. I feel for you." and leave it at that?
That's exactly why I'm puzzled about it! The standard issue responses don't feel genuine, or like you want the other person to open up more. But I guess that's all people want, usually. Surface shit
NT communication has a lot of expected rituals and canned responses that make it feel so inhuman. I remember reading in Unmasking Autism that studies show that all the expectations of NT life are not well-received even by NT people. They just refuse to do anything about it because "that's the way it is".
I thought no a good way to do it is to ask questions. Like, if you use only superficial statements, then yeah, it's only surface shit. But people bring up stories because they want to talk. Asking questions about it let's them talk more and let's them get into more depth. The more they talk the more they feel like it's not surface level. Questions like, "how is the rest of your family taking it?", or "are you sleeping ok." I don't know, something.
I also like the suggestion above of relating your story very briefly but bringing it back to them. Like, "last year when my mother died I found the most comforting thing I could do was xxxxx. What are you finding bringing you the most comfort?"
Or something like that. So you still get to relate your empathy through your experience but leave it with a question for them at the end.
Pretty much. The more hollow I make my communications with NT’s lately, the better reception and response I get, but I honestly feel like I’m being rude for not trying to relate.
Typo, fixed, thank you!
I get that.Sorry if I came on a bit hard with my ND activism.
Oh no not at all! I agree with you tbh, but yeah a lot of people just take communication styles for granted, I'm sure I do. It just sucks that people don't get it, and that it's hard for me to wrap my head around