In my cashier position, I met a lovely customer. She spoke beyond the corpo facade and engaged me as a human being, and I felt smitten with longing. Not necessarily romantic, not at all sexual. Just longing. For connection. Any kind. Please. I am beginning to know and love myself, let me share. We continued talking, it was a pleasure to see one another when she shopped. I asked for and received contact details.
I have been so in my head about achieving these ideas I'm so enamored with right now and growing as a person. Engaging women (and all others tbh) on equal ground as fully conscious, aware and sincere beings just as I am. Extrapolating my experience of possessing whole ass sentience onto others as an empathy exercise.
I had decided that I will be radically open and honest to the people I seek to form connections with, and I have been. It has been so interesting seeing how I interact with other people, so many other people (due to my job) and just getting to know myself.
So. Sososo. She's going to be out of town for a not insignificant amount of time. I like her a lot. We have a ton in common. She brought me wildflowers at work once. Of course, with how excited I am about le epic male feminist ๐ซ journey ๐ซ I'm on...
Well, we talked a bit. It felt reciprocal for a little while, but she didn't respond for a few days and I got a little in my head about it. I spammed her a bit (I was so excited to share!) and then sent a message after some reflection that I was gonna cool it on the spam, but that I was still thinking about her.
A few days go by without any exchange, I send her a text about how I miss my cats and I hope she's grateful for hers. She responds and we talk for a bit, then she mentions that she's interested in another guy but was afraid of hurting my feelings.
Okay.
I prepared for this.
I know how to relate.
I know that there are so many other interesting people who could make great partners for me.
I know what it's like to be liked and to not like back.
I genuinely want to be her friend if nothing else.
I send back the honest truth that of course I was a little disappointed and a little sad, but those were human reactions that I would allow to pass through me without struggle. That she did not hurt me, she did not do anything but exist. I hurt me, but it's only a scratch. I asked to see her crush, she sent pics, I said he was cute (he is).
Then I receive a message from her saying she's frustrated with me because I continued to pursue her romantically (or act flirtatiously etc.) when she indicated that she wasn't interested.
I got a little defensive. Woah, okay. I know when no means no, and it's always. She had mentioned prior her uncertainty regarding her capacity to even feel romantic intimacy, I figured that may have been what she was indicating.
I said "I can't read minds".
I had added up all the indicators of her potential romantic interest in me in my head and subtracted indicators of disinterest and had concluded erroneously that I was still in the positive. I understood now that it was expressed to me that there was no interest. I still want to be friends, and the hurt has already passed, because of those helpful things I know.
No, no. It was much worse.
She screenshotted a prior conversation we had had and sent it wherein she said
I don't see you how you see me
a text that I had misread a day prior as
I don't see how you see me
a text that I had interpreted as
I don't see myself how you are seeing me right now (due to potential self-esteem issues)
Based on conversations we had had, it'd be a fair interpretation... if I had read the original fucking text correctly the first time.
I don't see you how you see me
Fuck.
I am so sorry ohmygod I'm so fucking embarrased dude I literally u won't believe me b I fucking I misread omg
FUCK. God damn it.
I HAD PREPARED FOR THIS. I was ready to face rejection. I was not ready to face this, because I never wanted to be a part of anything like this! I do not continue to chase women after I become aware of their boundaries! I do take no for an answer, always! She told me I try to sell myself as a feminist while still partaking in the games of sexist men.
I most certainly did continue to act flirtatiously (calling her pretty, spamming, etc) after receiving and misreading that message.
Well. Part of the reason I wanted to connect with others was learning experiences. What did I learn? Read texts very, very carefully. Work on context clues and body language. Continue honing empathy and when somebody tells you something, listen rather than immediately jumping to defensiveness.
I apologized profusely and probably just made a bigger ass out of myself. I did explain myself and she said she knew I was really a nice guy, just that she was frustrated. She indicated that we could still be friends, I hope she meant it.
At least I know that I genuinely fucked up here without any conscious malice on my own part, and I am aware of the things I have to work on. I know and love myself, and I know I would not do such a thing consciously.
I wanted radical honesty and instead I completely missed what my conversational partner was telling me.
I am still quite lonely, although I am learning to appreciate myself as a roommate and friend. I am afraid to fuck up like this again. I hope this doesn't make me afraid to reach out to others. I guess if it does, I just have to work through the fear as I have been and bombard the patriarch inside me as I continue to.
Thank you for reading, comrades. Do you have any experience with unrequited feelings and not "getting the hint" (perhaps even as you are told directly... like some of us). Or perhaps someone did not get the hint about your feelings? Have you ever unconsciously broken a boundary?
It will be a difficult process to reconcile my personally novel understanding of radical honesty with the potentialities of clinginess and neediness. What is the healthy alternative to clinginess or neediness?
Tryna come to a new understanding of where the line is or should be. I talk a lot, but I also know I usually listen well. Should I seek connection with people who do the same and love spam? Is it merely a personality trait to be a "hopeless romantic" and strongly desire attention from another, or do I have to radically change my perspective? How much of it is simple social desperation? How much of it is me, and how much of it is an unhealthy desire for attention?
These questions are rhetorical and not! I invite critique and personal reflections.
For context on the spam, it was mostly just what I thought of as generally positive affirmations. Don't stress, hope ur day is going well, etc. Otherwise updates about cool things I was doing for my birthday.
I am unsure if I could find myself interested in someone in a healthy way without receiving reciprocated intense curiosity. I love talking and connecting, maybe too much.
I think the key is to fall for each other together, so that the love is shared rather than something that is only held by one person. When love, attraction, or affection is unrequited then it is something that only exists in the head of one person, and it is a different kind of love than love that is shared and reciprocated. It's ok to love someone or something that doesn't love you back, as long as that's understood and expectations are kept in check. Imo real love between people is a relationship that's built, it's not an emotion that comes and goes.
Imo there's no healthy alternative no neediness or clinginess, like there's no healthy alternative to an illness or disease, the healthy alternative is just not to have it. I think to love someone in a healthy way we need to love ourselves first and see romantic partners as wonderful additions to our lives, but not strictly necessary for happy and fulfilling lives. In that way we can have a solid foundation to give and recieve love that doesn't demand it from another person because we give the love we need to ourselves. That way we can let our lovers love us freely as they choose, and we can be happy with whatever love we get because it's just a wonderful addition to our lives.
I consider myself a "hopeless romantic" as well, but no matter how strongly I feel about another person I only express my feelings on a similar level to my partner. It's like a dance, or cooperative play, one person can't do all the work, love is a cooperative activity done together, like running a race with one leg tied to the other person's leg. If you try to do too much more than the other person then there's no balance and problems arise.
I think sometimes you just really need to click with someone in that sense, I'm also a person who (when I'm in the mood and generally have an interest with someone) write either too much or too long, so I tend to look or think like I'm bothering, specially if the other person's replies are overly small. So I try to repress myself according to the other person's reply, doesn't mean one is good and the other is bad, it depends, maybe the other person doesn't like to write much but likes to read you. I guess it's a bit of knowing the other person. I'm no smart person about people, though, so yeah.