So I'm very new to self acceptance on being a woman. Only a week in a half in, but have been contemplating if I were trans for a few months.
My partner is supportive and wonderful but I also know how big of a change this is for her as well. I don't want to move faster than she is comfortable, but also am struggling a lot more with dysphoria since I realized who I am.
I have good days where I explore my femininity and feel a confidence in myself that I've never felt before. It's especially helpful when my wife is right there by my side. Today for example she did my makeup for me. We trimmed my eyebrows, put on foundation and mascara as well as a tinting lip balm. I couldn't stop smiling about how pretty I felt.
Other days I feel more like my old self. Stuck in my shell and shutting down. I didn't realize how dark and depressing my life felt before my acceptance. I feel almost suicidal in those moments because that was generally how I was starting to feel. Just a mountain of shame and guilt over the drastic changes I'm forcing my wife and child to deal with.
I guess I'm wondering how normal it is to feel a shift in my mental image of myself like this? Either I feel like a woman, or something makes me feel like a man and my mood plummets.
Guess I'm just looking for some extra reassurance from others like me. I've only told my therapist and wife and when I'm drowning in guilt, all I want is a hug and reassurance that things will be ok. That I will be ok.
I don't know. This is all so scary sometimes and gives me a pit in my stomach. Do I even have the courage to come out to the world? To risk my life and what I've built with my loved ones to explore this?
No need to apologize ^^ I'm slow at responding too (and also over apologizing so I get it ❤️)
I think I am experiencing that same artificial rift you're talking about. My wife has been the only one to see my true self (while we were teenagers I was a lot more explorative in my gender and then shut it down for a decade) and she told me how those were the parts of my self she loved the most. Now that I can embrace that part of myself again, we've gotten closer than ever!
It's still difficult for both of us for sure, but we talk and stay honest and are trying to take it a step at a time.
I really relate to the self care aspect. I completely let all of that go while trying to force myself into the "man" box I thought I was supposed to be in. Barely showered, only bought clothes for practical reasons, let my hair get shaggy, generally just didn't take any care of myself. Almost like I was punishing myself? Got to the point I was actively hurting myself through addiction and pushing my wife away.
Feel like I did a full 180 and now I love taking care of myself. I love shaving and moisturizing and finding clothes that are cute vs just practical. It's done wonders for my self esteem because now I know why I hated myself so much. I wasn't being my true self ❤️
Definitely going to look into support groups and things along those lines. I really lucked out with my current therapist who is gender affirming and I've been working with her for a couple years now. Funny side note, when I was looking for a therapist a couple years ago for general depression and anxiety help, I picked my current therapist because she specifically said in her profile she was an ally for lgbtq. Not that I knew at the time I was trans, but some part of me knew she was who I needed to work with ❤️
I'd love to stay in touch! But the fediverse is still kinda new to me so not sure what calckey or blahaj is 😅
Thank you for helping me so much and supporting a new chick like me 🐣
It’s interesting how stories can be so similar. My partner and I are also together over a decade in which I gradually shut down exploring my gender and forced myself into the man role, down to a point where I had to really turn things around to heal. I think it’s quite motivating to have this outlook for a life worth living for. Lately I feel so settled in with my gender identity, that I am actually not depressed when I wake up anymore. Also, I’m less and less anxious about coming out step by step which feels very healthy. 💜
I have a song in my playlist since 10+ years, which is about being true to yourself. It didn’t come up on random for long. And I cried happy tears when I heard it again recently. Cause I finally understand what being true to myself means. 😌
This is what I’m talking about
https://blahaj.zone/@lexihexi
there is lemmy as a better Reddit but also a whole mix of other servers that offer a better Twitter in the fediverse.
Being here helped me greatly with finding myself. Feel free to follow me, if you create an account. 🥰