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somewhat long rant post:"all i want to do is have close long-term friends to share life with but neoliberalism feels specifically designed to make that impossible" also "does therapy help?" (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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okay this might turn into a series of posts or something but I really feel like I need some advice here/really feel the need to share my thoughts (that have been brooding for some time):

im going to try to keep this somewhat short: I'm in my mid-twenties, have been doing my masters in something-something-media-studies for the last three years. I've lived in a shitty place with shitty roommates for that entire time, have a small job at the university that barely pays half of my rent and have lived off of government student grants/loans since then, which have now run out.

I don't know what to do with my life, or rather I know what I would want to do with my life but it seems basically impossible: I want to live together with other people I like who don't just feel like short-term acquaintances born out of necessity. I want to commit to living together with people for at least a few years and try to build something together with them. Create a nice shared space, share food, music, books, films and experiences. Make some art. Work just as much as I have to. Cook together and pool our resources together.

I think some people live like that. I dunno. I basically lived like sorta that for a few years during covid, when I did the latter half of my bachelors in another city when I moved in with a few people studying the same bachelors as me. But now we've all moved and live in different cities and meet up maybe once a year. I love these friends with all my heart but my life with them feels like a complete fluke that I just lucked into (and even then I often felt like I wanted more from our friendship than they did).

I know I really need to find new roommates and a new place to live but the city I am in has one of the worst housing markets in this country and doing the whole "roommate casting" thing just to get rejected again and again is just such a fucking mindnumbing chore (not to mention just how worse the sites to even find roommates have gotten, how many more people cling to their still-cheap apartments and how many of the actual nice apartments probably don't even show up on those sites but just get shuffled around in-between friendgroups)

I don't know what my problem is. I feel like I just don't have the face (or don't wear the clothes, don't speak the right slang) to attract the right kind of people. I guess maybe I kinda look like a chud or a nerd (which I certainly used to be in highschool but have very much tried to distance myself from). I try to be a social person, talkative and passionate, considerate and all that and I can manage to do that a fair amount of time, but it doesn't get me anywhere.

It feels like everyone already has their own friend group and their own thing going on and it feels impossible to get closer to anybody. Everyone is terribly busy and most people just seem to be terribly uninterested in getting together, there are no places to hang out, everything is terribly expensive, etc. etc. (this capitalism thing sure does fucking suck)

There's so many posts online about how dating/getting to know people gets exponentially more difficult when you are in your thirties, how many people are just basically on their own, how many people have nobody besides their spouses or whatever. I feel like I need to do something now, because I sure as hell can't live this lonely life for the rest of my short time on this wonderful planet earth.

I feel like I'm an "extroverted" person born into an "introverted" life. I wish I had a somewhat large friend group and always had someone to hang out with on any given evening. I just want to do the things I'm already doing but share them with more people (and also have a little bit of certainty in life).

I don't know, if anyone has any advice or wants to share their experiences/sentiments I'd be glad to read any replies from you cool people.

Also if anyone can tell me if therapy helps with this (maybe even group therapy or something), or whether therapy gives you the energy to do the mindumbing shit capitalism asks of you for just the tiniest bit of happiness or if antidepressants help you radiate a warm happiness that makes other people want to be around you I'd be very happy to know about that too.

Thanks to all of you for always being there and hope you people have an as reasonably nice day as one can have in this genocidal capitalist imperialist patriarchal hellscape we all live in!

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Therapy helps in the sense that it gives you tools to better understand and describe why you're in pain, what events originally started this pain, and how to describe the pain. Sometimes it can help alleviate the pain, but it is not in and of itself a cure. It's mostly a tool for better understanding your circumstances. It won't change the circumstances by itself.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago (1 children)

But I already understand it. I need actual help.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

yeah... A lot of people have that reaction when they realize that therapy isn't actually a "cure" for the underlying problems. I had a breakdown the lasted two days when I finally figured out that the therapists never intended to "cure" me or take any concrete steps to actually fix any of these problems. The industry seems content to let people think that they're medical professionals whose job is to cure a disease and that's really not the case. Whether this is perfidy that merits a drastic response or simply professionals being too up their own asses to communicate with the lay public is a matter of personal opinion.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I used to stress this very hard from age 20 to 40. Yes, I wanted forever friends and it wasn't happening. People were coming and going into my life. And ya, friend break ups were happening and it was super terrible. As I got older I'd cling to new relationships, and I really wanted these to be the next people.

Post therapy at 41-42, I'm in a much better headspace. Friends come in and out of my life. To be honest, no one is a perfect fit for me. I'd love to have more vegan, Marxist, mask wearing close mates, but no one fits that bill except for my partner. Now I try to be OK with having relationships come and go. I know that I'll have people around me, but I don't exactly know who it will be in the long distance future.

Ya therapy helped, even though my therapist was a lib. It let me vent and air out ideas, and learn to create healthy boundaries in my relationships.

There's so many posts online about how dating/getting to know people gets exponentially more difficult when you are in your thirties

I disagree. I think this is one of those myths our culture tries to push on people to yet further scare them.

I wish I had a somewhat large friend group and always had someone to hang out with on any given evening

My feeling is that this is overrated. Is this your inside saying this, or is it the culture? If your needs really require this, then God bless and go for it. But I feel like it's a heavy burden that you place on yourself. Once I got over this, my life became really free-ing. But then again, I got used to never fully finding my core people (Marxist, vegan, mask-wearers).

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

There's so many posts online about how dating/getting to know people gets exponentially more difficult when you are in your thirties

I disagree. I think this is one of those myths our culture tries to push on people to yet further scare them.

why do you disagree? how is it not so difficult in your 30's, when you're past the college/uni years and all that?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

This is just vibes on my part, but as I've gotten older, I know what I want, I know people better, and I'm more self aware of all my needs. My youth years were spent burning energy in friendships where it was pretty obvious that the other person sucks. Nowadays I can spot a dickhead 200 metres away. My friends are legit cool, and when they stop being cool, I have enough self respect to see them less or go no contact.

Also there's so many adults, maybe most adults, who are looking for new relationships and activities. If you have the confidence to organise, people will come to you. I don't want to doxx myself, but I do a few different groups in my city.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Also there's so many adults, maybe most adults, who are looking for new relationships and activities.

where? everyone at this age is too busy working / too broke to go out / doesn't care, that's the point

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

or if antidepressants help you radiate a warm happiness that makes other people want to be around you

lol no, unfortunately antidepressants give you enough to suppress your feelings of sadness, and that amount does the same to your happiness (in my experience). Antidepressants are for when you just can’t do it anymore but you have to.

Therapy can help with some things, but I probably haven’t put in the work to give a real opinion on that for your situation. Microdosing (psilocybin) helped me get my life into focus and break out of the hateful spirals, but it hasn’t helped me become less lonely.

To be honest, I feel really very similar, even though I am in a different situation and stage of life. I wish I could help you, but I’m struggling through it too.