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Getting back into dating and I fell for a married woman wtf (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Couple months ago I met a woman who works at a dispensary I visit about once a week. We hit it off really well. Despite trying to just keep it casual sex, and that only, I ended up developing some feelings for her. She confessed the same to me. I even introduced her to my teenaged daughter, for fucks sake.

I ran into her this evening at a gas station, with another guy, who turns out to be her husband. They’ve been married five years, and have two children together, ages 4 and 2. Finding out they have kids just made me feel disgusting.

So, I told him. He didnt believe me until I described a tattoo in a somewhat intimate place on her body. I had no fucking clue she was married. I think I ruined someone’s marriage. Or at least took part in ruining one.

I feel guilty. I am sorry for what I participated in. Am I a bad person?

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[–] [email protected] 53 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

you should have confronted her personally first. you definitely got ahead of yourself and overstepped. you acted emotionally without considering the possible repercussions.

[–] [email protected] 52 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (9 children)

the chorus of he/hims in this thread positively relishing the idea of this woman getting punished by her husband for her actions and not even stopping to think about the possible violent repercussions of OPs actions is honestly disturbing. people cheat for all variety of reasons. many of them, especially for women, are justified. hate when this site shows its reddit-logo roots so plainly.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Honestly hadn't thought of it like that. And after reading some more of details OP provided in the replies, especially the fact that she was making a big deal about him approaching, makes it seem like there was some legitimate fear on her part of some sort of reprecussion.

I just hope others take your, and other women's, perspective on this and learn something. Admittedly I figure being honest about an affair with the person that is being cheated on seems like a good thing on the surface, but it also completely devalues the woman and the situation they may have been in prior to cheating.

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[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I really read "mermaid woman" and was saddened when that didn't enter the story but unintentionally being made partner to infidelity did

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 month ago (3 children)

I think you should have kept it to yourself.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 month ago (3 children)

I’m genuinely curious why

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[+] [email protected] 18 points 1 month ago (2 children)

[removed by mod]

[–] [email protected] 38 points 1 month ago (2 children)

IMO- something I learnt from others (as I used to be pissed if someone tried to lie to me)- not all lies are done with malice. Her lies hurt the husband, not OP.

They're not responsible for keeping the secrets, sure. But we also don't know her circumstances (clearly OP didn't either, if they only found out she was married now). You can feel vindicated that the "cheater/liar got punished," or whatever, but I imagine you'd feel different if OP posts in the future saying next time they see her she has a black eye (or it's in the news she was killed or something), now wouldn't you?

Personally I'd have confronted her about it and asked first. And personally- coming from a seriously fucked up family upbringing myself- not all marriages, "even with kids" (sometimes especially with kids) should exist, some are a curse on everyone involved. I'd have thought most people nowadays can understand that on some level, in such spaces in particular.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

I do agree with this general sentiment, I've been in a cursed, abusive relationship and cheated on them (though not to the point of sex) because at the time I was being quite explicitly threatened and coerced into staying in that relationship. If I had been found out, it would not have looked pretty; OTOH cheating like that was a major step in giving me the confidence to leave.

I have no idea what the woman's circumstances were, but I agree they could've been very complicated and not as black/white as it seems.

At the same time, I also don't think it's fair to claim her lies didn't hurt the OP, and I don't think OP is a bad person. I wouldn't have blamed the other person if it had happened in my circumstances. I can 100% understand why a person might cheat (obviously, as I've done it), but if you betray a person's trust, especially the one who actually hasn't wronged you at all, then it's not unfair or unreasonable for them to react negatively, nor to assume the other person should find out too.

Personally, I'd do the same as you. But it is an understandably murky moral sea, and I'm not sure any answers are 100% right. Not confronting it there and then could mean OP just gets lied to more.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Good point, in regards to that her lies did hurt OP (unintentional as that may have been). FWIW I didn't think OP is a bad person, it was a difficult situation and in the heat of the moment, I can't claim that I would have necessarily acted differently (hell, I'd say I genuinely used to be a bad, or overly spiteful/vengeful/malicious person about such things).

My comment wasn't written as, or intended as a judgement of OP's character (which wouldn't be defined by just one thing, hell, "good" people can do "bad" things), that said. I just wanted to bring up what everyone else here seemed to have not considered- what I'd like to think I'd do, if I approached things from a calm and collected manner, and the insights that I've had shared with me from others (not always taking lies personally definitely wasn't something I learnt myself).

There's all sorts of reasons why someone could cheat, or even (highly circumstantial and uncommon) reasons why someone should cheat. And seeing all the comments moralizing about always outing or condemning cheaters also just put a bad taste in my mouth (as someone who's never cheated, myself- though coming from the childhood I did, I can't claim possessiveness/exclusivity matters in the slightest to me).

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[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Assuming OP was right, I'd frame it more as his having an obligation to the husband as a human being making the choice correct rather than as a lack of obligation to the wife making the choice indifferent. We should be trying to make the world better, not carefully demarcating the bounds of social contracts so we can find out exactly where we're allowed to do as much harm as we feel like.

But I also think SadArtemis is right that OP, to put it charitably, got ahead of himself