A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy π
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
Typically, not friends. I'll greet them and make small talk.
I walk my dog multiple times a day at similar hours and other neighbors do as well. So I'll run into the same people regularly. We'll talk a little bit. Sometimes I'll talk a few minutes, sometimes it's just a greeting.
I have asked on two occasions in 3 years for a neighbor to take out the dog. So generally no, but it has happened
The dog owners are a big reason I thought about this more. Like you said, it's usually at similar hours everyday so I'll run into a few pretty regularly. They usually seem like they're in a rush to get their walk done so I don't want to bog them down with small talk, and at the same time I don't know if I'm just being awkward by not engaging with them more.
my tip is just to greet people loudly with a smile. say good morning, talk about weather, whatever
i've found that most people will do as you say. just try and look away and go about their day. some people can even look mean with a face that is not inviting at all.
but if you say hi in a friendly way one day, they look at you surprised a mutter something back.
the next time you see them, they have a smile on their face and they greet you more warmly.
really this is the thing about human connection. someone has to bridge that gap. and it's not hard to do
This is true. It's because people are generally on auto pilot and don't want to risk awkward conversations. But if you can make the initial contact a positive one, they will warm up quickly. Unless it's a girl and she thinks you are trying to hit on her, then she may starting to take another route.
My wife (then gf) and I moved in to the current apartment when we were ~25 (we are now almost 30). We made little notes introducing ourselves for all the neighbours, and one couple responded by bringing us a bottle of wine as a gift. We ended up friends with them, playing board games, video games, D&D, and the occasional party. We dont hang out consistently, but its nice to have friends in the building.
My last apartment (~2020) was at less than 30% occupancy and I was the only person living on my floor. Yay housing crisis.
My apartment before that was in an older Orthodox Jewish Ukrainian community that was very hostile to outsiders, and particularly my interracial relationship. The head door guard was especially racist. There was one other guy with a dog who was super nice and friendly we'd talk a bunch especially while walking. He was feeling as unwelcome as we were and they drove him out a few months before we got driven out.
Now, as a homeowner I've exchanged misdelivered packages with my neighbours and done trick or treating. I don't really know their names but i recognize their faces. There was one guy that was a creep to the femmes of our building but he's moved out thankfully, but it kinda spoilt the first impressions a bit.
No but I'll talk to some in the halls. A lot of my neighbors are Arabic, south Asian, and African newcomers, and I'm almost always in the common part of the building with my dogs, and 99% of them hate dogs and run away from me, despite the fact my dogs are little and one is very elderly and uninterested in people. It's just not their culture to own pets I guess, so none of them want to talk to me.
When I first moved in to my apartment, I became friends with one neighbor because I could hear him coughing through the wall and asked to buy some weed off him one day. He would occasionally ask me to take care of his dog when he was out of town. He has since moved and a nice old lady moved in. On the other side of my apartment is a special needs adult with care workers constantly coming and going, so not so much making friends anymore.
We used to watch GOT and go to bars with our upstairs neighbors. I donβt remember how the introduction started but once we found out we had common interests we started hanging out.
They moved out a year after that. The next upstairs neighbors let their dogs piss on their balcony (which ran down onto my deck) so they can go fly a kite.
I always try to make friends with my neighbours, with varying results. Most of my neighbours Iβve met have been nice, I think most people are. Some people are just shy though. And some are just miserable assholes.
Eh, kinda. Not really friends though, more like I have a few neighbours who I'm comfortable having as barely acquaintances.
There's the lady across the hall who occasionally brings my parcels/post up and I do the same for her.
Protein shake bro, who lives next door and has a loud blender. I've not actually met him but am deeply comforted by his shake making regularity.
The chubby Brazilians, the couple who sometimes take parcels for me when couriers insist on banging on the wrong door, and I've done the same for them too a few times.
The lady with the inverse door number to mine, we swapped numbers at one point but only ever text about recieving each others Amazon parcels. She stole my pasta maker during the pandemic though, so I lost her number. I see her on her balcony sometimes and used to hope she texted me so I could be like "no pasta maker. who dis?" but alas.
Aside from this (and tbh actually, including one or two) there's a lot of crackheads, mentally disturbed, and domestically violent in my building, so it's not really somewhere I'm comfortable being known by or inviting neighbours into my flat.
For a moment I thought you meant you swapped the numbers on your doors as some kind of weird prank.
You could write a sitcom about all your neighbours
"she took my pasta maker, Jerry!"
Varies person by person. Some I'm not particularly interested in, some seem satisfied with a head nod. I don't force it.
I do have neighbors I ask to water plants. Usually, I ask a neighbor if I can pay their 8-12 year old kid to do it. Lots of parents like the opportunity for their preteens to own some responsibility. I'm also among the neighbors that goes out after a snow to clear off walkways and cars for the elderly neighbors; that contact tells me which other neighbors are into the local community.
I've been in one super tight knit neighborhood where we did actual community things. Like I setup a little outdoor movie night in the common lawn and hosted a popcorn melodrama. I had the projector, audio, and movie. A couple other parents brought tons of popcorn. Everyone brought chairs and blankets to sit on. The kiddos had a riot eating it and throwing it at the villain on screen. That condo neighborhood is the gold standard I hold in my mind and compare all others I've lived in to.
Personally I love to bake, so when I first moved into my current apartment I made a bunch of small coffee cakes and just cold knocked on the doors of all my neighbors one evening. Some folks weren't home, but for the people I did meet it broke the ice and set us up to chat more when we ran into each other in the hall. And I was lucky enough to even make 3 good friends who I trade pet/plant care and favors with!
This exercise also quickly identified some people that I would not be friends with and that was valuable too.
How often do folk accept your cakes? Have many new neighbours come by offering you baked goods too? Have you met folk who won't accept your baked goods? Is it awkward?
Sorry for all the questions! This is only something I've ever seen done in tv and films and I'm so curious.
I've thought about doing this myself a few times and ended up coming to the conclusions that as I just don't trust the hygiene or humanity of strangers enough to be comfortable with consuming food offered like this, and so it would also not be right for me to bake for strangers by assuming they should trust me and my hygiene and humanity, either.
Have you ever had neighbouring folk offer you baked goods that made you sick? Or that in hindsight once you learnt more about them and/or saw their homes, you regret eating the food they gave you?
No one rejected them! Although I can't confirm whether everyone ate them lol. None of my neighbors reciprocate with baked goods, so can't comment on that, but I am satisfied with the trade even just for good will for me and my barky dog.
But I can confirm that I have baked for years, and have passed out enough goods around the building that no one has cause to mistrust me. I definitely wouldn't have gone this route if I wasn't a competent baker.
I live in a small building with few units. My neighbors and I get along great, although they're much more eager to socialize than I am. I don't really mind, but still.
Do you find people are less social as the size of the building increases?
I've only lived in one apartment my whole life, but I wouldn't be surprised. Less need to interact means less interaction.
ive tried but they don't seem particularly interested
Usually just greet or have short smalltalks and be on my way, but itβs nice to have a good relationship with 1-2 neighbors to help each other water plants, receive parcels and so on.
About five years ago a new neighbor moved in downstairs and put a note up with her number saying who she is and that she is happy to get to know her new neighbors. Unusually forward but cool, so I wrote her and we met. We became running buddies, she sometimes took care of my dog, I helped out with handiwork, or we just hung out together and talked. She moved out a year later but we are still very good friends to this day.
In my current apartment I unfortunately donβt know anyone. The only neighbor I had a good relationship with is gone and the others keep to themselves.
Nope. I'd love some community but most people move every year or two here
No. I don't talk to strangers without a reason.
Like if they have free candy?
A handful, never had bad neighbor experiences before. Many pals and some watch my pets or get packages.
i didn't talk much to the people at my last place but i'm going to make an effort now that i've moved. seems like a good safety net to have in case something happens.
Why bother? I will be moving in a year because the rent will go up.
Nope. Neighbors in apartments change far too frequently for various reasons - life changes, rent hikes, property issues, etc. It very rarely seems worth the time to invest in a potential acquaintanceship. The only people that ever seem to be eager to be friends in my experiences end up being the elderly and the younger folks anyway.
It also makes it far more awkward when you have to eventually have a neighborly conversation and ask them to not leave their trash in the hallway or keep their volume down or something else minor.
I've noticed it's mostly the elderly who try to engage in conversations more, I usually chalk it up to them being more lonely and having a less busy schedule
I think that's a part of it. They're also usually the ones who are likely to end up being longer-term residents so they're more invested.
I don't mind chatting, but usually when a I'm outside my apartment I'm in the process of doing something. Personally I hate getting trapped in small talk when I'm just trying to spend 60 seconds to take my trash out or walk to my car.
in my building, owner use informal tu and first name but when talking with renter they use vous and last name.
To be fair owner see each others at owner's association meeting and have seen each other in the building for years while many renter move within 2-3 years
And for the fun fact, my owner association ordered a security audit, and the consultant recommended organizing a building/neighbour party/barbecue over installing security camera. As people knowing each other care for each other
The little old lady next to me says hello and sometimes let's me know if there's a package waiting for me.
The people on the other side I don't know. They don't seem especially friendly or unfriendly, but I'm happy to live and let live.
My wife and I hung out with a couple just a few times. They were cool, but it's hard enough to find time when my wife and I are both off and awake; lining that up with two other working adults (plus they have a kid) was impossible to do regularly.
I can get along okay with pretty much anybody, but most people I've met have proven to be a little too incurious or even hateful for me to want to go out of my way to spend time with. With every passing year, I value my time more and more (as I'm sure almost everybody must) so it's hard to justify setting time aside for building friendships with people if I don't naturally want to hang out with them. That having been said, I work rotating 12 hour shifts, so I'm not off every night and weekend like a lot of people are, and even if I am off I may be swinging my sleep schedule to prepare for not being off. A lot of people just can't understand that yes, I may be off that day, but I didn't get home until after 0500 and I need to sleep at some point. Or yes I'm off that day, but I need to be in bed by 2000 at the absolute latest because I need to get up at 0230 for work the next day.
I would recommend making a friend or two with neighbors if your work schedule isn't as shitty as mine is lol. Especially if your neighbors suck less than a lot of mine have. Just don't force a friendship where there doesn't need to be one just so you can feel better about asking them to water your plants while you're away for the weekend. If they're cool, they'll do it for you just knowing that they can ask you to return the favor down the road.
i was friends with our neighbours for the past 2 years and it was very nice
they moved away fairly recently, i hope the new neighbours will be just as nice, i guess you never know if you will like eachother
If I didn't have two dogs and social norms dictating so.
I very much wouldn't.
I'm glad the directest neighbour is never there.
Why is this aimed at ~30yo in particular?
Growing up, my parents and grandparents had the same neighbours for decades, even in apartment buildings. Of course they knew and talked to each other frequently. Hanging out in each others' apartments also happened on occasion, drinking some pΓ‘linka and listening to the radio. My dad used to go down to the ground floor to watch the evening news and story time at the superintendent's apartment along with the other children in the building. The only person who had TV in their commie block.
This already changed a bit in the late 80s / early 90s when I was growing up. People started moving around or dying. Out of the city to live in burbs. Or just left for another country. My dad was also less jovial with people as he couldn't stand stupid, so he often drove neighbours he disliked away.
Once I grew up, I moved into the apartment of my late grandparents. I still talked to my direct neighbour on a weekly basis, but by this time most everyone else died or moved away. Also I had to introduce my girlfriend now wife to my neighbour at least monthly due to her... seemingly selective dementia.
I'm in my forties now, and both at this and my previous apartment I've made sure to always say hi to neighbours. Oddly at the current place, the thirty something year old neighbours approached me first, stating they do some sort of communal hippy living here. They seemed friendly but then also moved away within a year or so.
I directed it at ~30 year olds because I'm ~30 years old and wondering if a lot of other people of the same age feel the same. It tends to be more of the elderly that try to get to know you better
Seems anecdotal!
It's certainly hard to get to know your neighbours in a glass box in the sky.