this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2024
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[โ€“] [email protected] 3 points 2 hours ago (1 children)

Everyone has a 3% chance at colon cancer and fibre supplements are a good way to reduce your chances

[โ€“] [email protected] 2 points 2 hours ago (1 children)

But then everyone doesn't have a 3% chance ๐Ÿค” /s

[โ€“] [email protected] 3 points 1 hour ago (1 children)

No no, if your chances go down, someone else's goes up. Sucks, but you gotta watch out for number one.

[โ€“] [email protected] -1 points 28 minutes ago

That's not how averages or statistics work.

[โ€“] [email protected] 13 points 10 hours ago

Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won't stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.

[โ€“] [email protected] 38 points 13 hours ago* (last edited 13 hours ago) (3 children)

Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.

[โ€“] [email protected] 17 points 10 hours ago

You are a master of imagery.

[โ€“] [email protected] 9 points 10 hours ago

You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.

I lolโ€™d

[โ€“] [email protected] 5 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

I'm not gonna pressure wash my tush, that's a terrible metaphor! Too much power!

[โ€“] [email protected] 6 points 9 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago) (2 children)

Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome "deep clean", not recommended as a surprise.

You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I'd be fine. "It has a dial," I thought to myself, "I just won't crank it up all the way." I'm an idiot.

The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you're feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.

I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim... my aim was perfect. Bullseye.

In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn't just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched "eeeep!", but I don't remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the "fifth base" of legend.

I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.

[โ€“] [email protected] 1 points 6 hours ago

this is a work of fucking art

[โ€“] [email protected] 2 points 7 hours ago

I have never used a bidet.

What I do use with every shit is a bidet shower.

You get a nice gentle but strong enough stream which you control all the time.

Also, I never shoot it directly at my anus, but more like from an angle, so even if it suddenly had 10x the flow, it wouldn't go into my arse.

Pretty much every single bathroom in Finland has these. As in even gas stations and bar toilets usually have one stall with a sink in the stall and a bidet shower attached.

[โ€“] [email protected] 9 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

Real ones use bidet or a watering can first then wipe to simply dry. Much cleaner.

[โ€“] [email protected] 2 points 3 hours ago

A watering can? Like, for plants?

[โ€“] [email protected] 17 points 14 hours ago

So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?

[โ€“] [email protected] 11 points 15 hours ago* (last edited 13 hours ago) (1 children)

Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it's due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.

Generally professional care isn't required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.

If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.

[โ€“] [email protected] 15 points 14 hours ago

anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)

[โ€“] [email protected] 16 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Bidets... You don't have bidets?

[โ€“] [email protected] 27 points 17 hours ago

Nah he didn't even run for reelection

[โ€“] [email protected] 12 points 17 hours ago (1 children)
[โ€“] [email protected] 1 points 10 hours ago

This is much better advice than the bidet, though it's not a bad purchase certainly. Buying a bidet is just treating the symptoms, not solving the problem.

[โ€“] [email protected] 4 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

Bro, wash your ass. You don't even need to get that fucking deep, just buy a shower scrubber.

[โ€“] [email protected] 3 points 12 hours ago* (last edited 12 hours ago) (1 children)

Please don't use a scrubber against your asshole. A washcloth you throw in the laundry after, or just your hands with lots of soap before and after is fine. You're not going to awake any forbidden desires, you're just making sure your body is clean.

[โ€“] [email protected] 2 points 7 hours ago

You're not going to awake any forbidden desires, you're just making sure your body is clean.

Never say never, anal massage isn't wholly unpleasant.

[โ€“] [email protected] 13 points 18 hours ago (2 children)

Wet the paper using the sink

[โ€“] [email protected] 15 points 17 hours ago (1 children)
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[โ€“] [email protected] 10 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

Why? The toilet is literally right there.

[โ€“] [email protected] 5 points 17 hours ago

The bowl water warms up as you use it. Warm.

[โ€“] [email protected] 8 points 18 hours ago

You need to shit some more. There is still ink in the pen.

[โ€“] [email protected] 22 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.

[โ€“] [email protected] 27 points 21 hours ago (1 children)

Don't flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.

[โ€“] [email protected] 14 points 19 hours ago (4 children)

How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?

[โ€“] [email protected] 2 points 11 hours ago

They aren't. That's why you shouldn't flush one!

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[โ€“] [email protected] 3 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

Just shit in the shower and waffle stomp!

[โ€“] [email protected] 1 points 12 hours ago

Waffle stomp of power!!

[โ€“] [email protected] 18 points 22 hours ago (2 children)

Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.

The blood is likely from a popped hemroid

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