shut up Kusolini

Photo via Widmore Corporation

SIDNEY (AP) — Oceanic Airlines has announced that it has lost all communication with Los Angeles-bound flight 815. The B-777 airliner departed Sidney at 14:55 GMT+10 and experienced complete radio failure within 6 hours of the 14-hour journey, just minutes after the pilots relayed a severe CAT (clear air turbulence) event. Air traffic controllers in Nadi, Fiji reported that the aircraft "completely vanished" from radars as it approached the island for an emergency landing.

An international search and rescue operation is underway with hopes of recovering the vessel and possible survivors. Notable among the 324 passengers are British musician Charlie Pace of the UK rock group Drive Shaft, Mega Millions lottery winner Hugo Reyes, and American actor/comedian Carrot Top.

Buenos Aires

HAVANA (AP) — After being declared medically deceased for 4 months, former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has made a miraculous reappearance. The statesman was secretly flown to Cuba via private plane while on life support in late November to undergo an innovative heart-repairing surgical procedure.

"I feel like I could go on another 50 years" said the centenarian, crediting "the best damn doctors in the world" for his unprecedented recovery while criticizing the "authoritarian government that forces these talented medical professionals to live in such deplorable conditions."