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What do I even have left to live for? (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I've been unemployed for almost 6 months now. I wasn't even paid enough while I was working, but now, I've depleted all my savings, my credit card balance is going up, I'm not even sure how much longer I can keep collecting unemployment, I still have absolutely zero job prospects, I'm having a hard time affording anything that gives me genuine enjoyment.

Beyond money, I don't have a good social life. I really only have acquaintances who would all rather be with other people. Me thinking about finding love feels like me thinking about being a billionaire, basically just a fantasy so far from the conditions of my life, it's absurd.

If I finally get a job, what then? I still have to scrounge to financially recover? I'm still alone? What do I even have to live for?

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[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago

Well I've been with no job for 2 years now. I did an unpaid job for six months to scrounge some experience out of it. Now I'm still out in the wild.

I won't say I'm happy or content. I never am. I am dejected but I don't care enough about it. If I am feeling really cornered time to time I try to talk to friends and find a way out.

I don't have a booming social life. If I am near my friends I might meet and plan a day with them. Otherwise its just me. I spend most time alone. Whether its going to movies or having some drinks. Last I remember drinking was day before new year I had like a beer and smoked cigarettes. It was just me. I don't mind that.

I don't have savings or credit either. I have very unwell parents who aren't financially well. My dad is still swallowed in debts. I don't see ways out of the misery like ever.

I don't think I have like much to live for either. But I also don't think I fully feel that way. I have contemplated that so many times for like a decade now. I don't have dreams or ambition or anything. I just have nothing. But I don't know, I also don't wanna give up either. Cause there are people in way dire edges and they are still fighting. I don't know why I shouldn't be. I don't find much solace in thinking of reasons to live. I feel like I need to find em.

I don't know finding job or finding love or whatever is not the end all be all. I have a friend who recently married his long time lover. He didn't really had any job at that time he was in love with his partner. His partner didn't leave him or stopped loving cause of where he was at life. Four years went by and he found a job, then he married. I don't know. Nothing is going to only happen in some vaccum. Shit takes time to materialize.