this post was submitted on 26 Sep 2023

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Lauren Boebert Offers To Personally Jerk Off Any Constituents She Offended (www.theonion.com)

submitted 11 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

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[–] [email protected] 214 points 11 months ago (3 children)

At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

That is an amazing ending.

[–] [email protected] 38 points 11 months ago

"This isn't trashy enough to be a story about her."

gets to end

"There we go."

[–] [email protected] 23 points 11 months ago

For real. That did it for me 😂

[–] [email protected] 12 points 11 months ago (5 children)

Finishing on her tits costs extra

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[–] [email protected] 93 points 11 months ago (4 children)

I didn't even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article

[–] [email protected] 31 points 11 months ago

The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 11 months ago

They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol

[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You got onioned

[–] [email protected] 12 points 11 months ago

"you ate the onion," in the parlance of our times.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (3 children)

Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol

(To be clear I'm not horny for her. I shop at a different market)

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[–] [email protected] 93 points 11 months ago (7 children)

Man I hate to even joke about this but

I’m offended

[–] [email protected] 56 points 11 months ago (3 children)

She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions...

[–] [email protected] 49 points 11 months ago (4 children)

You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago (2 children)

If you've ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you'd realize your theory is close than you think. But I'd go 5, not 6...

FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Obligatory Flight of the Conchords:

Yeah

Looking 'round the room I can tell that you Are the most beautiful girl in the room In the whole wide room (ooh)

And when you're on the street Depending on the street I bet you are definitely in the top three

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I'm just upset I don't live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

The offer was for a handjob, actually.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago

Meh, well I'll take what I can get.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Is this where the line starts?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago

For coke and Bojobs!

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[–] [email protected] 50 points 11 months ago (4 children)

Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?

[–] [email protected] 33 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

Sorry for the potato quality but I think we've all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway

[–] [email protected] 17 points 11 months ago (2 children)

The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around

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[–] [email protected] 46 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her

[–] [email protected] 16 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Gotta go middle-out. Or line them up tip to tip.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 11 months ago

Just make sure each complementary pair has the same dick to floor distance

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 11 months ago (1 children)

It's pretty crazy that I wasn't sure if this was The Onion at first.

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[–] [email protected] 29 points 11 months ago

I mean, the new job isn't working out; might as well go back to the old one.

[–] [email protected] 26 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Give me a Bobert in the Expendables 4 theater lol

[–] [email protected] 18 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

i thought turning Lewinsky into a verb was a bit unfair, but with Boebert im all for it

[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

The difference is that she is, herself, a public political figure. Lewinsky was not.

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Damn y'all is THIRSTY!

[–] [email protected] 18 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Guilty as charged. She's both terrible, and terribly sexy. I'm ashamed but nonetheless here we are.

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 11 months ago (1 children)

She's morraly reprehensible, but if she wants to fiddle with my gristle stick I won't stop her.

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[–] [email protected] 19 points 11 months ago (1 children)

That’s up to $20 worth of value free!

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[–] [email protected] 19 points 11 months ago (5 children)

God she's hot! I am into dumb MILFs.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 11 months ago (3 children)

Don't stick your dick in crazy

[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (2 children)

No, you can. Just don't give crazy your real name and number

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[–] [email protected] 16 points 11 months ago (2 children)

She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

She's not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren't such a shit heel, I wouldn't kick her out.

(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard "porn orifice" thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You know, as someone without a penis, I just don't think I trust her to do a good enough job to get it done.

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (4 children)

Say what you want about Boebert but any candidate that jerks me off has my vote. I'm just gonna lay that out there right now.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (1 children)

hello im dick cheney and your dick is the one i'll br chaining; i shot a man in the with a gun but i'll be shooting you with my [redacted] until i have another heart attack. oh btw we lost 1.9 trillion and we're not doing an audit

[–] [email protected] 14 points 11 months ago (3 children)

Gonna be honest Mr Cheney I don't think you've got what it takes to get me there, but you're welcome to try.

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Has she accounted for optimal tip to tip efficiency?

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Like my mother always said, if she's willing to open with that you could probably negotiate your way up to a blowjob just by acting skeptical.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 11 months ago

That was my mother's favorite saying too. Rest in peace, Mom.

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