Surely there are no hard and fast rules in any relationship. It works for some, and not for others. Instead of looking for a universal rule, from which to judge the 'quality' of your relationship, you need to communicate your needs and opinions to your SO and come to a mutual solution. You also get to decide if that solution is what you need in an SO. Surprise, so does she. Incompatible means incompatible, unfortunately, but better to get it out in the open and part ways amicably than get burdened with a civil union and a messy breakup.
this post was submitted on 05 Oct 2023
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honest, well-thought out, and unbiased answer
The key to the solution here is to forget (for a while) the money and the cooking and the cleaning, because they are secondary questions.
Primary are the wanting, the expecting, and the talking about these.
Start with talking. Talk about talking. Then talk about wanting and about expecting.
But never want without talking about it, and never expect without talking about it.
Great advice.
I'm writing this down, hang on
Its wrong to use societal expectations to pressure your partner into taking on more than they are comfortable with. If you cant communicate your feelings, especially those around building a home together, the home will be dysfunctional.
Find something custom that both are you are happy with, try out new things, decide together what is fair. Not what your parents or grandparents or peer group think is fair... but the people building a home together.
Something doesn't feel right? Ask for advice sure, use the advice to sort out for yourself why it doesn't feel right. Communicate how you feel to your partner. Explain the burden and ask for support.
What is your agenda here? It seems very pointed.
My advice is to just be open and honest, and most good people will be fair in response.
He wants to belittle his partner because he makes the money and thinks his partner should be doing the chores by default.
Wait till they realize sometimes it's not always going to be fair. My wife got laid off, but then a week later diagnosed with a back issue that put her in bed for several weeks. That meant I had to go to work as usual, do all the housework myself including the cooking, take care of the pets, etc. It was a lot and sometimes stressful but I did it without complaint because I love my wife. When we had company coming and she was feeling better I asked her if she could take on a few of the lighter duties, and guess what, she did it without complaining because she loves me right back.
March will be 25 years together.
It's interesting how much you assumed of my intentions based on me asking an honest question.
I asked because I had a conversation about this with someone I was saw as a dating potential. We both went to the same school, took the same classes, and make around the same salary-wise. She asked why I haven't dated her yet and it was because she has expectations of a relationship that didn't align with mine.
Its up to you and your partner to find a arrangement that works for both of you and makes you both happy. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Expenses equal by amount of contributions
Expenses equal by % of income contributions
Expenses equal by time required to make the money
or any other division of labor and income
When my wife and I got together, she made double what I did. It didn't necessarily make me feel guilty or bad, but I definitely felt the need to contribute. So, I took over food. I meal plan, do groceries, cook and clean up for essentially 100% of meals. On a rare occasion she'll want a meal on the weekends that I don't care for and she will buy and cook the meal. I also do 100% of the maintenance outside the house.
In general, she takes care of the big bills and I get the little ones, plus all the manual labor.
I am so confused by this question because because why wouldn't two people who are equal contribute as equals? Are people in relationships where one person contributes everything and the other person just coasts? And if so, why would you do that to yourself?
Let's say both the guy and girl make the same amount of money and are both good at and enjoy cooking and cleaning.
Would it be wrong for a guy to want the girl to give equal contribution financially to the relationship if he's also willing and capable of contributing equally to domestic duties?
If both people worked exactly the same amount of time, with the same commute etc. and also did exactly the same amount of the same chores, that would be the definition of fair. But that is highly unlikely, and very often what one person perceives as doing half of the chores actually isn't but they do not notice because their partner is picking up the slack. Real life is about finding the balance that works for both people involved. A true half half is not possible.
In this same scenario, would it be wrong for him to expect her to cook and clean if he's expected to handle the financial aspects of the relationship?
If he works eg 8-9 hours it would be fair if she also works 8-9 hours in the household. But again, in real life household work, especially if you have younger kids, doesn't end at 5 o'clock. Coming home at 5oclock after 8 hours of work but expecting your partner to work about 10+ hours or even more if you have kids until the late hours of the evening is not fair in the slightest.
Both parties should contribute equally.
That being said it's a grey area. When I was out of a job and my bf worked 12 hour shifts, and came home exhausted and defeated, I didn't mind doing all the work in the house. He did the same thing when I was working and he lost his job. Etc.
It's more like "I can do this if you don't have the time/energy" and less like "I am required to do this because he is required to handle finances" though. Every relationship is different so this would be better answered in relationship_advice, with context and background explained
That's kind of what I meant. Didn't articulate it well enough. I see it as like a "hey, because my partner is doing this for me, I WANT to do this for them." Reciprocation of effort. Not necessarily just finances. I've been in situations where I felt like I was putting in more effort and it wasn't being reciprocated. So I was wondering if it was fair to expect equal reciprocation in a relationship where both people are able to contribute the same things
Handling the finances (assuming the money to pay for mortgage/rent, utilities, groceries, etc. comes equally from you both, which it should if you are making similar amounts) in no way is equal to the effort involved in doing all of the housework. I don't think that's necessarily what you're saying, but I have heard it argued before so just want to make that crystal clear.
I think that's fair. Next step is to have a conversation about it, without going into the blame game. It is possible that your partner has a wildly different story and point of view.
I think it's wrong to assume that man=financial duties and woman=domestic duties. That worked in the 50s because of rampant sexism, but that train of thought is long-since outdated. I get that power dynamic is ingrained into straight culture, but especially in the scenario you're talking about only serves to make the woman inferior to the man by making her clean for him even when they are both working. I always thought it was weird that men wouldn't learn to cook, if you really loved the ither person wouldn't you take the time to learn to cook at least a couple dishes to help out?
The two of you need to have a conversation about how your relationship will work. Talk about how the finances will be handled and how the chores will be handled. What works for tv couples may not work for y'all.
Dude, it's up to you two. There is no right and wrong. Negotiate and either compromise, redefine your relationship, or move on.
Don't listen to this guy, OP. Divorce, keep the pets, key her car and start watching battle bots.
Thank me later... >!freaking /s obviously!<
If this actually needs discussion between you and can not be taken as a given, then the relationship is not on a level that I would recommend joining households.
That third paragraph says it all lol
Just help around the house dude.
You're both equal human beings and the only solution is to talk stuff out as equal human beings. Find what works for you both. Don't get distracted by bean counting.
To me it depends on:
- How much money I'm contributing vs my partner
- How much time we both work
- What hours we both work
I'm paying all the bills and you're not working? You're doing all the chores. We both work 40 hr weeks but I earn and contribute more? Close to a 50/50 split of chores. My partner works night shifts? I'll do all the stuff that can only be done during the day.
I think unless your partner is unemployed you should both be doing some chores, but who does what depends on the circumstances.
different strokes for different folks
We do
[ (individual pay) / (total pay) ] * [ bills ]
i.e. one of us earns 70% of the income, pays 70% of the bills (not counting personal subscriptions, student loan payments etc).
I do slightly more housework, I think, it depends week to week. But I don't mind, as some of those extra items are caring for our cat which I have a boundless resourcefulness for.
Household expenses should be split such that you both have the same amount of money left after the bills are paid.
Housework should be split such that you both have the same amount of leisure time.
Higher earners should not be regarding their lower paid partners as housekeepers, no. Pull your weight at home or GTFO.