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But HOW did Kissinger die? (hexbear.net)

submitted 8 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

29 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I want to hear your theories! Please do not provide any sources beyond what is in your heart. I'll start us off with some likely scenarios:

The leg of Henry Kissinger's pants got caught in the wheel of his wheelchair, and because he had the consistency of wet dough, rather than ripping the cloth his entire body was pulled under and slowly bisected from the bottom up like a bucket of toy slime under a pizza cutter.
Henry Kissinger and Noam Chomsky were playing around with Kissinger's dad's gun and Henry Kissinger wanted to check if you could see the bullet through the barrel just as Chomsky was firing at an imaginary robber.
Unclear exactly how he died, but the winner of the Kissinger Death Tontine turns out to be a three time champion of American Ninja Warrior.

all 31 comments

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I'm a UlyssesT truther 👁️

[–] [email protected] 19 points 8 months ago

One Year Later

UlyssesT: Hey! I'm back! What did I miss? ... GODDAMMIT!

sicko-hexbear-crowd : THE PROPHET HAS RETURNED!

[–] [email protected] 25 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Kissinger farted so hard his ass exploded and he died from exploded ass

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

He shid out his doodoo ass to death

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

many such cases

[–] [email protected] 17 points 8 months ago (2 children)

The ol' classic of breaking his back trying to suck himself off.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 8 months ago

When rigor mortis set in he bit his own dick off. Scary but true.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 8 months ago

Wow the same way illegal-to-say died, what a coincidence.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 8 months ago

covid-cool

[–] [email protected] 13 points 8 months ago (1 children)

spoiler

He got an idf anal probing device and punctured his colon

[–] [email protected] 13 points 8 months ago

The IDF were trying to harvest his cum and the device's off button malfunctioned. It sucked all the skin on his lower body into the cum tank before they could turn it off.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 8 months ago (1 children)

To shreds you say?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 8 months ago

Oh yes. If they even attempted to explain what happened to him on the news the entire news channel would get an R rating. It was THAT gory.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 8 months ago

Pancaked by a drunk dump truck driver

[–] [email protected] 11 points 8 months ago

someone left him in front of a sunny window and he evaporated

[–] [email protected] 10 points 8 months ago

not-hillary

[–] [email protected] 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

God finally smoted the fucker. Except there is no god.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 8 months ago

Lightning strike from the fingertips of Richard Dawkins. Got it. Not what I expected, but I guess you cannot argue with the truth.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 8 months ago

Satan got tired of waiting so a crack in the earth opened up and hellfire sprang forth to incinerate him.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

Drowned in a septic tank.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

Ewie gross sex things

Choked to death on his on cum doing his usual routine of "jerkin' it while thinking of all the suffering he caused."

I honestly can't think of any other reason why he would have devoted his life to causing so much suffering if not for sexual gratification.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

87 IBS attacks in a single hour

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago

Dying of a blood clot would send all the antivax people into a spiral, so I'm hoping that was the outcome.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

Charlie Munger was Kissinger's phylactery. Munger's death finally enabled them to banish Kissinger from the mortal realm.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

He got devoured by a wild Elephant.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

He bled out from sounding with a tonka truck