Asklemmy

My old cat, when something was wrong with her world, she'd come and meow at me - she had a special "fix this!" meow - and then she'd lead me over to whatever was wrong: I'd like the litterbox cleaned, I want fresh water, I want the window open, top up my food please. Sometimes I couldn't fix it (rain, snow, dietary restrictions), but she'd accept it if I couldn't change it.

The new cat just screams for things to be fixed, but there's never any indication as to what's wrong. Plus she has serious chronic health conditions, so sometimes it's I'd like fresh water please and other times the exact same meow means we have to go to the 24-hour emergency vet right now. Which is really much less helpful and informative than I'd like it to be. Also, if it's something I can't fix, she just decides that I haven't understood and keeps meowing.

To remember that we've spent almost 18 years together and that we're best friends. That we've carried each other and comforted each other through so much.

There was that time I had to climb fifty feet up a tree with hardly any limbs with ropes and a harness to get him when the crows goaded him into climbing higher. The rusty antique farm equipment below would have mangled him had he fallen. I had to lift him with one hand, balanced, hoping he would roll out of my grip, and put him in a cinch top bag with a rope attached to lower him to my wife on the ground. Once he reached her hands, I broke down and sobbed while I made my way to them. I was so scared. I woke up the next day and he was curled up around my hand, holding tightly. He didn't want to go outside for months.

He pees on me regularly now. Sometimes when I come home with my hands full and can't give him attention immediately. Sometimes when I've been home all day and he didn't get a snack fast enough. Maybe his kitten baby sister is trying to play with him or he's stuck on the other side of the door while I'm brushing my teeth. He has hyperthyroidism and kidney disease. We give him everything, do the best we can for his health care, but it's getting close to the time we say goodbye and it's breaking my heart.

I just wish he'd remember me the way I remember him.

I lifted him onto my lap yesterday morning, out of the reach of his gentle but playful six month old kitten sister. He peed all down the front of me. I didn't scold; I just held him until he was done, knowing the last time I hold him isn't far away.

Use the toilet and remember to flush

Had a cat that was able to fetch. It was so cute and he always made such a proud face when he brought back the object I threw. I miss him so much.

To rob a bank and make a clean getaway.

How to wipe her ass on toilet paper when poop gets stuck to it instead of the goddamn carpet!

My cat did that, with nerf gun bullets. But she insists that she taught me to throw the toys, rather than me teaching her to fetch.

Stop meowing at night after I’m asleep.

Shitting in the toilet

Well, to clean himself but now he does that and it’s rare he needs cleaning. He always cleans his paw before leaving the litter box on its walls so that’s not fixed.

Maybe to play on his own or chill if I dont want to play. If I work he somehow never bothers me, aside for the occasional “meow let’s play” moment here and there. But when I play games, or read, he just goes “hi motherfucker” and start meowing all the time and when he sees that meowing fails he decides that the best course of action is to jump on my television; it’s a 4k euro tv so you can imagine how funny it is, more so now that he scratched it a lot

So my choice goes to “stop fucking scratching my television”

I wish I could get her to understand that sometimes doors need to be closed. She hates a closed door, be it the front door or the door to the bathroom or balcony, regardless of whether anyone is on the other side of the door or whether she herself cares at all about the other side of the door.

She can also open doors, so we have to bolt the front door. Our bathroom doesn’t have a lock though, so we’re just waiting for an awkward incident there.

Instead of marking his territory by pissing on things, I'd prefer if he wrote his name on a post-it note.

One of my friends in Finland has a couple of cats, one is fairly disinterested in people but the other loves to play fetch with her toys. It's ridiculously cute.

One of my cats plays fetch I wish the other did too but he’s a slouch.

To stop scratching my damn furniture.