this post was submitted on 25 Jul 2023
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Not The Onion

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We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

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  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

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[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 year ago (4 children)

This has only seemingly been picked up by:

Some kinda head tilting quotes:

One more thing. They set up grief counseling for those who had a piece of red meat touch their cheeks AND those who endured watching the uncooked bovine slices flying through the air. Afterwards they climbed into their EVs and headed to their tree houses. It is California, you know.

Of the dozen or so victims of Brewer’s, 3 were sent to the local hospital with superficial wounds. Most of the injuries were of the emotional variety and all of the victims had a chance to speak with grief counselors. A candlelight vigil is planned for this coming weekend is hopes of raising positive vibes to heal the community.

Couple that with "larry's secret garden ojai" not apparently existing.

It's not not the onion

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I found this on the About section of the page:

Daily News Reported is a fabricated satirical newspaper and comedy website. Daily News Reported uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Sauce: https://dailynewsreported.com/about-us/

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

"Comedy website"

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

So yeah this is fake.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Now I'm curious what these superficial wounds were.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Light bruising most likely.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

Thank you lol the first thing I thought when I saw was no way this real?! While laughing because look, that's just a funny headline to read out loud. Seriously, read it aloud to someone.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Not cool. I fucking hate vegans that try to guilt and convert people as much as I hate these idiots that think this is cool. Let people be.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 year ago (23 children)

I've never met a vegan that does that but I've met plenty of guys who do it with meat. Dull fucks that made meat part of their identity

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 year ago (2 children)

In my experience, people who complain about preachy vegans are far more prevalent and annoying than the preachy vegans.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

But have you heard about CrossFit?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Some of my relatives had to give themselves rules about when they could talk about cross-fit, that's how bad it got 🤣

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I only met one guy who was very insufferable like 10 years ago. He was a friend of a friend and i had nothing to talk about, so at one point i just asked him what his favorite meal was, because he was aggressively vegan. He told me what he liked and i said: that sounds very good, i have to try that, i try not to eat meat products anymore. And he suddenly had that disgust in his face and said: eating meat is like molesting a child, once you did it, you are a child molester.
Okay, not talking to you again.

But other than that, i think every vegan i know is just like: yeah no i'm vegan. Or: is there a vegan option?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

I was at my dad's birthday dinner last month and i don't really like any of his boomer friends. He made some traditional 90% is just meat dinner. Even when i still ate meat, i always found that kinda gross. It's so much, greasy artery clogging stuff that doesn't even taste that good.
But like 3 different people there at random times found it really funny to yell out:"thank god there are no vegans here."
Like what is that even supposed to mean? I'm vegan and i didn't say shit to anyone.

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

...What a dick

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I thought "not the onion" wasn't supposed to be satire, except I don't know if this even counts as satire, this is just dumb. Literally the same joke, every time.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This is the sort of fantasy right wingers imagine themselves pulling off in the name... I dunno freedom?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Exactly...

"Owning the [insert taste of the month]".

It's the same exact shit as "how can you tell someone's vegan? - THEY'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT!!!, yet in my entire 30+ years of life I've never heard anyone ever say they're vegan or vegetarian or anything unless asked about, but I have a feeling I won't stop hearing someone announce that they eat meat AND MEAT ONLY or some shit like that until I die.

Shit got tired before it even started, because it's just the same old shit in a different wrapper.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I thought the one joke was "I identify as an attack helicopter"

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Wait...I thought the onion was satire and 'not the onion' was news so pythonesque it looks like satire?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

No that's it exactly, lol, we're getting lost in a jungle of double-negatives.

  • The Onion - satire
  • Not the Onion - things that happen that are so outlandish you'd think it is satire
  • This - Neither, cause it's someone making shit up, just some conservative asshole flogging the same dead horse with the same, tired old ~~stick~~ joke
[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Roger Waters needs to calm the fuck down

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Pink floyd are almost certainly more woke than this joke.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Has Roger Waters stopped taking his meds again? 🤣

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

police fear copycat crimes may start popping up and they asking the community to band together in solidarity against these “terroristic attacks”. Clinton Brewer is currently being held on $10,000 bail at Ventura County lockup

This has to be a joke, right?

If its true, someone set him up a gofundme so the 73yo can have a short and successful career as a comedian.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

Bruh was assaulting people in order to pressure them into paying for murder and slavery. Bruh is an asshole.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago
[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

He wasted those ssteaks :(

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

"How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

What an absolute madlad!

[–] [email protected] -2 points 1 year ago

not the hero we wanted

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