Works for hot peppers. The worse you treat them while growing; the hotter, angrier and tastier they get.
The Onion
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
Certain vegetables like leeks get buried as they sprout to make the "shoot" part as long as possible.
Rhubarb is grown in near complete darkness, and it screams as it grows towards a light it'll never reach
Rhubarb is grown in near complete darkness, and it screams as it grows towards a light it’ll never reach
Rhubarb cellars are metal. I forgot all about that.
There's some really great metal band names in here (IMHO).
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Metalcore: Scream At A Light You'll Never Reach
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Stoner: Rhubong and the Devil's Lettuce
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Doom: Near Complete Darkness
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Black: Rhübarb Screams
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Death: Cellar Crop
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Goregrind: Fed Shit and Kept in the Dark
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Country/Folk Metal (aka Hank III): Rhubarb Wire Fences
I have a rhubarb plant in my garden, and deep down I know that when I have long perished and my earthly remains have rejoined with the earth's soil, that rhubarb plant will still be there, stubbornly making more rhubarb than anyone can eat.
Honestly rhubarb fights back against the oppressors who dare eat the wrong part of the plant
Where does the rhubarb get energy then? Does it just rely on stored energy in the seed or roots or something and get given light eventually, or can it actually use tiny amounts of light?
The plant has an energy reserve underground that is allowed to build up for a year or two before starting to harvest.
If you are doing it sustainably, you can harvest the shoots until they start showing signs of undernourishment, then you stop harvesting and let it build energy back up.
Forcing the rhubarb is an option for the shoots you plan on eating, they grow faster and sweeter than if they grow naturally
Sounds barbaric.
The plant has an energy reserve underground that is allowed to build up for a year or two before starting to harvest.
Not a botanist, but I'm pretty sure that's why rhubarb is so sweet. Those energy reserves are mostly sugar, so maximizing the energy reserves maximizes the sweetness, like you note below.
Yeah the rhubarb that people grow in their own gardens without a rhubarb torture cellar is way more sour than store-bought, in my experience.
That's how it worked for my kids, too.
They're all such tormented, sexy artists at this point. Damn them.
If the soy beans aren't cannibalizing themselves out of desperation it's not authentic enough
So wait, are they treating the workers horribly, or..... Oh, it's an Onion article.
If it helps, in Argentina they are deforesting large swathes of land and pushing previous owners out at gunpoint just to plant more soy. That's not an Onion article.
It's worth noting 77% of the world's soy goes to animal feed. Only 5% of soy goes to soy bean products like tofu, soy milk, etc.
Then, 90% of that feed gets used by the animals to walk around, fart, and generally stay alive until they get slaughtered. Essentially, 70% of the soy crops gets wasted on breeding animals to suffer.
This is going to trigger so many broflakes who have made eating meat their whole personality.
And before anybody starts screeching, I'm not even a vegan. I do mostly make vegan food at home, but you can pry my cheese out of my cold, dead hands, and I also occasionally eat fish or meat.
This going to trigger so many >!cheeseflakes!< who have made eating cheese their whole personality.
And before any body starts screeching, I'm not even a vegan. I do mostly make vegan home at food, but you can pry my cold, dead hands out of my cheese, and I also occasionally eat fish or meat.
The people I know that are hard-core meat eaters are hunters who vastly prefer meat they've killed themselves (in a heavily regulated system that prioritizes sustaining the environment). I live in Alaska, though.
Yeah, I don't think that's the major demographic of aggressive meat eaters on the internet honestly.
Are there really people who make eating meat their “whole personality”? lol
X Headline is going to trigger Y group
Finally an onion article that isn't likely to become reality
Now I'm curious if plants have enough complexity to their internal experience for it to be possible to be cruel to them or not. One is used to thinking of them as basically inanimate apart from that they grow, but some of them can sort of communicate with other plants in certain ways can't they?
There is not really strong evidence of plant sentience. Here's one paper looking at it:
A. Plants do not show proactive behavior.
B. Classical learning does not indicate consciousness, so reports of such learning in plants are irrelevant.
C. The considerable differences between the electrical signals in plants and the animal nervous system speak against a functional equivalence. Unlike in animals, the action potentials of plants have many physiological roles that involve Ca2+ signaling and osmotic control; and plants’ variable potentials have properties that preclude any conscious perception of wounding as pain.
D. In plants, no evidence exists of reciprocal (recurrent) electrical signaling for integrating information, which is a prerequisite for consciousness.
E. Most proponents of plant consciousness also say that all cells are conscious, a speculative theory plagued with counterevidence.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8052213/
Though something interesting and perhaps counter intuitive to note is that even if we realized plants were sentient, a plant-based diet actually involved killing fewer plants due to the lessened need to grow feed (of which most of the energy is lost)
a speculative theory plagued with counterevidence.
I love this phrasing
Academic writing is usually dry, but every once in a while you run into something like that which changes your perspective on how to roast an idea
This is typical propaganda from the Big Plant lobby and Vegan Church. Plants have feelings!
That's why I'm a fruitarian. I only eat fruit once it drops from the tree.
The Supreme Court says you are not allowed to interfere with the seed, or stand in shallow water.
It’s Grow v. Wade.
Well, the first step to this question is the ever infuriating "define cruelty". It's easy enough with complex vertebrates who have evolved to socially signal pain, which is almost everything we eat. It's even easy to extend it to complex vertebrates which hide pain. But it's hard enough to rigorously say whether something like an invertebrate insect or crustacean even feels pain at all. They certainly have pain responses, but is the qualia of that response in theory internal space recognizable?
It's not an easy question to approach, but it is an important one broadly.
Let's say that plants do have some kind of sentience, which is probably very limited due to the evidence we do have. Animals still have more advanced sentience that is closer to our own so it would still be the lesser evil to eat plants. Like why would you eat other people or chimps when there are other options available?
It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to be able to say that plants suffer the same way as animals. I know you're not saying this, but you do hear stuff like this based on this premise.
Scientists learned that plants can feel pain just like animals do, with that in mind, they hooked the plants up to Christmas music on loop.
I prefer Wagyu Soya
It's from 2016. It became a reality.
Real funny
It's funny because this would actually sell. And it's funny because it hurts too much to feel how disturbing it is.