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Instances getting de-federated over such trivial things is going to be the death of lemmy.

I've been kind of watching this from the sidelines. Requiring separate admin and general use accounts is definitely a good idea, but it doesn't absolutely solve the problem of "someone who possesses greater power expressing themselves in confrontational ways." Once you're wearing an "admin hat," you can't ever really take it off, and you have to know that your actions are always going to be under greater scrutiny, regardless of the user account in question.

However.

I'm a big proponent of "we call people what they want to be called," but this is the very first time I have ever heard that using generic pronouns is somehow consciously offensive. I get that if Party A has made undeniably clear what pronouns they use, and Party B insists on using generic pronouns, yeah, that could be an action consciously intended to offend or put down - but I also think that it's not necessarily and always that way. Context matters, and the context in this particular incident suggests (to me, at least) that transphobia has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Language is an ever changing thing, although it may change more slowly than desired. When you're talking about extremely foundational bits of language - like pronouns - it takes a huge amount of effort (especially for older people, of which I am one) to get your brain to change gears and use the words and thoughts that you want to. I know this from personal experience. When I am talking to or about a person in my own family, who I have known since his birth 18+ years ago, it is extremely difficult to adjust to a "new paradigm," even when "new" means "several years in the making." I suspect that I will always have to make conscious efforts to think and speak in ways that I want to, and that I won't always get it right. Just because I don't always get it right doesn't make me a transphobe.

Forklift that situation over to text on a screen with someone who is essentially anonymous to me, with whom I may never have interacted with before, it's highly likely that I'm going to get it wrong even if I try. Then, if I use the generic pronoun "they" in order to avoid misgendering someone, and I get smacked down for that? That's just plain unreasonable, and I have no interest interacting with anyone who would throw shade for that reason.

For blahaj to threaten defederating with an entire instance over just that is completely unreasonable. Maybe that threat was taken based on an incomplete or inaccurate understanding of the facts. Maybe there are facts that I don't know. What I do know is that just because someone uses strong language to disagree with someone else doesn't mean there's any bigotry at play.

I honestly admire the transparency of the updates on the p.d meta community. Thanks for sharing the background, despite the situation not being ideal

From the screenshots, it looks like snowe wasn't being aggressive at all. And getting hate for using "they" is excessive. It's a shorter way of saying "that person". Blahaj (a blue shark from IKEA? I don't get it) shouldn't be this touchy about stuff. It's like a C programmer getting offended about being called a programmer.

CC BY-NC-SA 4.0

I think it would be reasonable to defederate from blahaj.zone. A majority of the toxic, negative, and aggressive comments I see on Lemmy seem to come from users of either blahaj or hexbear. The admin very intentionally curates a cult-like community by posting provocative posts and then banning everyone who expresses even slight disagreement. They have engaged in and doubled down on false accusations of CP against the lemmynsfw admins, which demonstrates that they are a risk for other instances be federated with. I normally very strongly oppose dedederation, but I think blahaj is a great example of when it makes sense. This is because the admin seems intent on starting drama rather than working with other instances to resolve conflict. It almost feels like some form of religious extremism lol

I of course block the instance from my account to avoid seeing posts from there, but toxic users are still visible on comments.

That instance is quite liberal (heh) with its defederation so this isn't entirely unusual.

Tbh though this one makes more sense than the other instances they've defederated given that theirs is centered around trying to be trans-positive.

Even weirder how they defederated Hexbear then though; that conversation is with Hexbear users who they clearly agree with.

This is so stupid lmao

How do I always miss the drama on this instance? Moments like this make me realize I'm not as terminally online as I thought.

This is so dumb you should defed with Blahaj in principle. I don't even use this instance but it's kinda pathetic that you guys have to deal with this.

Apparently defending oneself from attacks in a discussion is "aggression". No consequences for the others in that thread I assume.

It's also completely insane that the use of "they" to refer to anyone would be soft transphobia. That's one of the main purposes of that word - especially on the internet. Some languages don't even have he/she it's literally just THEY in their language e.g Tagalog has 'sila' for singular 'they' and 'sha' for plural they. There is no he/him/her/she in that language.

I'm glad everything worked out in the end. I hope snowe learned a couple of lessons from this. One about how to interact and respect the lived experiences of marginalized peoples, but also a lesson about not engaging with hexbear trolls in the first place.

I'm surprised mods and admins don't have the option to choose not to distinguish their posts and comments.

Dumb. You ban users and defederate for poor moderation. Granted, folks can run their instance into the ground however they want.