TerminalEncounter

When I think back on what it was really like, it wasn't nice or wholesome which is why I broke it off after months of hemming and hawing and them being unwilling to change anything even when they knew our relationship was at stake. I read someone's own journey a few months ago with a very similar story to mine and it was like being slapped in the face again - the dirty cat litter, the clothes everywhere, the mess, them not working, not looking, not trying to get onto disability, not doing anything for years. I remember the fights over "you need to get some income, I can't support us, I have loans and a scholarship" and how POOR we were because of it. Or when I was in charge of doctor appointments and psych appointments the fights to going to them... it wasn't like having a partner, it was like having a really obstinate kid. Or when we moved cause the house got shot, I was the person looking and the only house they agreed to was the most expensive fucking one!!! It was really hard.

But there's so much tenderness wrapped in that, the further I get from the pain and how hard it was the more those shine through. I remember how badly I treated them when they tried to show affection, ignoring being talked to or being held, I was going through so much shit that I was just not emotionally present and hadn't been for years. So I also get this fun house mirror style view where I was the asshole all the time in my memories on background as I forget what made it so hard and why I broke it off.

I had a pretty brief 2 years with not-debilitating but still life altering OCD, it's definitely always been there when I look back (my fundamentalist dad told me once the worst sin you can commit is "cursing the holy spirit" so little terminal thought about that for like 6 years until one day I cursed the holy spirit by literally stating it lmao). It's hard to convey what it's like to someone who hasn't had it or been near someone who has experienced it. Even people who have had loved ones go into pretty deep contamination OCD sometimes don't know even though they're doing all the exhausting compulsions and rituals their partner is doing, which is weird, it's a disease that's definitely not well understood.

My worst was always around checking and it felt like I was a crazy person. I was driving back to visit my mom, 5 hour drive, and I turned around and drove back home to my place to check the windows and stoves and doors - like this would add hours onto my drive. I would lose so much sleep checking the door and the stove over and over through the night. I say it's about checking but it doesn't really communicate what it was like unless you were around me, it was A LOT of checking, or unless you have had OCD. Eventually I started doing it at clinical, you're supposed to check you have the right med but I'd check again and again and again, and then I started getting help.

I do remember when the doctor said "you have OCD" and now I was also neurodivergent (I was cause of the anxiety before lol but I just didn't consider it). Which was a weird feeling. Anyway, I'm sure people would appreciate an OCD info post. I know for example at the height of my OCD I didn't even know why I was doing what I was doing, and I had had to study common mental health disorders, like it came up and I wrote tests on it - my point being you might even be able to help someone realize that they might have OCD and there are ways to move past obsessive thoughts and compulsions that don't hurt.