site's back, time to party 
this post was submitted on 08 Jul 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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Trauma; internalized misogyny, the usual jazz, gender blues
After performing feminity for shy of 5 years without ANY medical assistance except some desperate shot of E once I have now passed gatekeeping. I just don't know if the gatekeeping made me internalize gender stereotypes bc the usual pos therapist was insistent on me wearing makeup, jewelry, skirt and high heels. I remember wanting to be lithe and more non-bibary at first, but now I feel torn between that kind of hyperfeminine gender expression and wanting ffs or just wanting girl hair and a muscular body whose torso looks like a barrell with boobs... also after the years of public harrassment I want to feel strong and hyperfeminine expression makes me feel vulnerable which probably relates to fucked up stereotypes stuck in my head from cultural osmosis and problematic trans culture (never went on 4chan, but y'know). This sounds dramatic, but I feel mostly fine. I just don't think I can bring it up with the therapist I have now bc she might start thinking I am "undecided" or some shit. If you can provide some ideas on navigating those feelings, I'd appreciate itYou're past the gatekeeping now, so you should have more room to explore gender expression beyond the stereotype that was expected of you, right? Maybe just take some time to try out more masculine or gender neutral presentation when going outside, and see how you feel about it.
And just a word of advice regarding HRT. You might already know this, but you shouldn't 100% trust that they know what they're doing when it comes to HRT dosages. It's sadly very common for trans people to be prescribed far too low doses of estrogen, or way too high doses of cyproterone, so be sure to do your own HRT research, and if possible always get a copy of the blood test results.
ah, fuck