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this post was submitted on 15 Jul 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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weird uncomfortable sex/dysphoria/sexual anatomy posting
I already know VERY well that I have worse than no interest in sticking everyone's least favourite external genitalia into anything or anyone, and like oral sex is also fucking terrible. I can't really tell how okay I am with treating it like a clit, I guess. I think it's okay...? maybe?
And more generally, would I even mind having it if I could tuck at all? The most common thought I have about anything below the belt is that I need to learn to tuck.
I know it also kind of bugs me that my front is not flat when pressed against a partner, even though pressing it against stuff feels pretty good. Apply pressure. Clit is definitely vastly improved after longterm ESTROGEN WITHERING
at least, like low-to-zero sex fluids is cool, but I feel weird and undecided about it I guess.
I have no desire to recieve re: insertive sex, now or ever, and I can't even really picture how that would feel with a vag honestly, bad interroception again. It almost feels weird to imagine myself with different anatomy, but I think that's more because the idea of dramatically altering my body like that is unreal to my brain, since it can't happen yet, y'know.
One of the things that really destroyed my ability to even think about this subject was, again,
en bee 
because as a teen I really wanted bottom surgery due to self hate, and then when I became less of a loser I really wanted it because my micro brain figured I was just supposed to. Removed of all the cisnormative assumptions, though... what do I actually want? How do I feel about the anatomical options available to me??? Idek.
spoiler
Do not do self orchi please. Unless you have a clean room and the supplies and a knowledgeable support person. You know what? Even then.You can get zero-depth vaginoplasty. Looks like a vagina, pees like a vagina, but there's no vaginal cavity. One of the first bottom surgery for femme types I watched was a non-binary person who got zero-depth! You can also get penis preserving bottom surgery if you want. There's a whole world of options~ ☆ I think if you want you can also just have nothing? Like just your ureter has a little hole, otherwise smooth (maybe some scars).
If you want help figuring it out - imagine you get in a car crash and you wake up to a doctor saying "sorry about your genitals, we couldn't figure out how to reconstruct down there without your input - which one would you like?" And the doctor holds up a picture of a standard penis, a standard vagina, a penis preserving vagina, and just smooth. They can do whichever you want, no issues, they have all the donor tissue you need and there are, somehow, no other complications from the car crash. Literally just have to pick. The point here is to take away all the feelings of risk and the feeling that you're making an active choice of going bottom surgery route vs passive choice of doing nothing - now no matter what you pick you'll have a better idea of what you really want. Even if that turns out to be you'd rather not go through the trouble, that's fine!
spoiler
I knowwwwww the self orchi is just a bit, promise... Looking at a reddit post of someone who did it and then maybe died was like, yeah.I know of all of these options, and I don't really have any strong feelings about any of them. I feel almost as weird about theoretically getting neutralised or a vulva as I do currently? Which is like, passively discomforted? Idek. I do think these options are all cool as fuck for even existing, though. Look at the new ways the human body is being transformed.
Uh that's kind of the thing, my biggest motivation in this choice would be what's convenient day to day I guess, so again no tucking... Would I want to fuck around with sticking stuff in myself? Would I be happy with zero depth? Should I just spring for the dick again because I'm maybe not that dysphoric even? Uh who knows, look at this ridiculous bad interroception. I would probably pick the standard vag, but not out of a burning desire to have one. God I feel so fucking weird aaaaaa