Failed assassination attempt on Biden, but he dies because a secret service agent pushes him down too hard and hits his head on the floor
this post was submitted on 14 Jul 2024
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He just explodes like a balloon if you sit on it
A very very dry balloon.
Nuclear exchange. Confirmed contact with extraterrestrials. McRib is back.
The McRib is back
But it's the McPlant now and its vegan
The death toll from the McRiots reaches the triple digits 😞
Don't. Don't make me actually consider going to McDonald's
Biden's getting shot tomorrow and dying, 100%
Funniest outcome
Israel invades Lebanon.
Hezbollah bloodies their nose.
Israel bombs the shit out of Beirut in response.
Iran, Syria, and the Iraqi PMU's invade and it all devolves into world war 3.
some other guy shoots trump again, but its in his other ear
Trump is immediately #cancelled by his followers for having ear gauges
But that's decades from now! How could I even begin to predict something like that?
Trump quits running and leaves the public eye forever. I mean I'd quit.
Israel collapses
Barron decides to do the job personally instead of paying some loser he met on a Demolition Ranch fan page.
The latent bird flu within us all activates, and the mortality rate really is 56%
same thing happens to biden except the secret service bodyblock crushes him into dust
On Monday Biden has a particularly "bad day" during a press conference he has before his interview. He looks and sounds like death. He starts incoherently mumble-answering with the very first question. It's the most agonizing five minutes of political theater ever. Aides clearly signal they are ready to jump in and save him but the old, pridely fuck won't have it. The Q&A is better than the best scene in any horror movie. He just digs himself deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole.
He knows he's killing his campaign. He feels an uncontrollable urge to escape but his old brain isn't working. He needs to escape! Suddenly instinct takes over. In a loud, scared voice he says "I gotta potty," and with truly surprising speed he twists his upper body around to run away but his tired old skinny, hairy legs remain far too slow he takes about two sickening off-kilter steps. And then he falls over like an old, dead, broken tree pushed over by the winds of a hurricane.
His equilibrium is non-existent and one of his legs goes rigid and his hands don't break his fall. His spine freezes up and there's a sickening "CRACK!" even before he falls over. The back of his head goes directly into the floor and after that smash it bounces once for good measure. Not only did he KO himself - he broke his hip too. Some Reddit sleuths are adamant that the "CRACK!" was a bone in his pelvis breaking that led to his broken hip when he fell. In any case #CRACK starts tending minutes after the fall.
Bonus drama. Trump is in a rage every single day because he isn't the story any more. He rants "Tired Joe Biden fell over all by himself. I got shot!" to no avail.
Stay away from the lathe!
zelenskyy surrendering
they actually don't miss the second time
Amnesia
Biden dropping out might do the trick. I don't think he will unless Dems drag him kicking and screaming though.