I feel similarly. I don't know how to affect any change in my own life anymore. I'm sorry. I hope things get better for both of us going forward.
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Thank you and happy chatting!
You sound sad for sure but at the same time you come off as a strong person. With all that sadness in your life you are still getting up and facing the world almost every day. We are all in the hamster wheel race my friend! Keep your head up!
:yea:
I’ve been feeling like that recently.
Sending love, and hope the feelings go away soon
i've felt profoundly alienated and unable to connect on basic things lately.
I am having a very hard time finding work, and i'm realizing the world is both worse than i thought, and i'm starting to doubt my willingness to do what it takes to fight it.
I really just want to hide, and spend all day learning and reading what i can, trying to forget people want to destroy me for my identity. I can barely stand going outside lately. I don't find as much joy in anything, i'm often emotionally blunted. I just lost a family member that was dear to me, and maybe that's part of it.. but honestly this has been going on longer than that. it's just getting worse.
i've been forcing myself to go outside and make new connections when I can, and it seems to be helping at least.
Sorry for your loss, comrade. I can totally relate to feeling emotionally blunted. I force myself to not make new connections, but at least go out and be social with the bartenders at my favorite spot. I also like taking the corgi too, and perch up with her next to the register so everyone can pet her when they get drinks or whatever. She likes to meet people, and while I tend to not talk to much, I know it makes her happy which does a little something for me.
I want to be very clear that YES, this is the depression talking. Everything you described is real and frustrating but not insurmountable and it sounds like you are starting out in a down place before looking at each.
If you are not in therapy I would seriously suggest looking into it to try to learn coping skills to pull out of negative moods. If books are your thing I really really rely on the methods in David Burns's Feeling Good. At very least I think it is helpful to be vocal with someone you trust and who loves you about the kinds of moods you can fall into. Don't inflict it on them but just try to describe neutrally, and maybe tell them they don't need to solve it but just listen at first.
Also Seasonal Affective Disorder is real.
Sorry if any/all of this is already very obvious to you, maybe it will help someone else in the future also.
Source: constantly battling crippling depression but trying to make the best of it lol
Rooting for u comrade
therapy can't fix systems of oppression. therapy can't make everyone else tale covid seriously. therapy can't create third places in my car dependent suburb.
therapy is a bandaid and all these problems are gushing mortal wounds.
Oh, definitely SAD playing a role here. I am in weekly therapy thanks to my partner, but my guy is out this week, so no session tomorrow. I'll be recording instead during that time, so I have a reason to get up and out of bed tomorrow.
Thanks for sharing. Sending love!
I highly recommend a gigantic pot of chili. It might just be that I am highly food motivated, but during the winter I get enormous comfort out of having a warm bowl of beanis and rice waiting for me when the day is over.
And it freezes great!
Had a bowl of barley and mushroom soup last night, was really nice!
That sounds incredible. Do you have a recipe that you could send, or do you just wing it like I do?
I think my secret autism power might be that I can just grab spices off a rack and know they're going to taste good together. I LOVE hearing about other folks' recipes so I can learn more!
Eh we just wing it. Wish I had more direction to point you in
Fair enough! Barley + mushroom gives me some ideas. I'll let you know how it goes!
I can never get enough sleep no matter how much I actually get.
this was 2021-2023 for me. it turned out i had moderate obstructive sleep apnea. i just thought i was getting old and the world was falling apart, which are true statements. but the apnea thing had been silently building and its effects are cumulative over the years of never getting any real rest for the mind or body, as it would have to stir itself roughly every 2-3 minutes because i had stopped breathing. all of this unnoticed by me, just tired in the morning and tired all day and tired in the evening. sneaking naps when i could. i only did the sleep study because my PCP had been voicing her suspicions for nearly a year and pushing me to get it done. i was blase about all of it, but figured i would check the box to get her off my case about it.
my first real good night's sleep in several years, if not a decade, was january 2024. the materials said the effects of treatment were also cumulative and it would take months to disentangle my mind and body from what had happened to them, but after that first night i knew i was on the right track. i didn't wake up irritable. i didn't feel like i wanted another hour of sleep. i just calmly opened my eyes like an android, took note of the time, oriented myself, and started my day. i'm nearly a year later, and there's no question in my mind it saved my life in more ways than one. as my senses grew sharper, i noticed opportunities to improve my situation and had the energy and will to pursue them. i made conscious choices to replace good habits with bad habits. it all snowballed. "drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest" seems to be the perennially good advice for life.
i'm not saying you have sleep apnea and that this is your way forward or that diagnosis/treatment of everything isn't plagued by capitalist BS. however, i have noticed that a lot of people do have the apnea and are ashamed or embarrassed about having it, so they don't mention it until i'm like evangelizing to them one-on-one out of nowhere about how treatment changed my whole ass life. so its like this hidden epidemic. and i had no clue what was going on, despite being pretty invested/involved in my body and meta-cognition.
anyway, hang in there. i saw a corgi on a walk yesterday in the cold and it had on little yellow rubber boots that matched the poncho, which it seemed quite proud of as it eagerly pulled the bipedal parent along. everybody on the street was sort of transfixed by the scene.
Moods like this always tell me I need escape
Not like escape from my problems (though that would of course be nice), but escape from me. That stagnant routine becomes a welcome backbone to my day-to-day when I'm really ensconced in something, be it a piece of media or a creative project of my own. Even just a couple hours of being so mentally involved in something that my awareness of myself melts away is deeply restorative. Maybe your depression doesn't stem from boredom like mine did (I think) but if it does, a little time in the flow state usually does the trick
Edit: this is very therapist-tone and I don't like it, so I want to also say something chummy and shitposty like "keep existing to enjoy the days Kissinger can't"
I actually totally get that. I'm gonna hit up the band space in just a bit and I'll be recording all day, so that'll be something nice.
Yes, I do. Have for a while. I don't fit with life.
Yep, were not made for this world, it feels like
Its kinda whatever, I just wish I didn't have to suffer or do it myself. If only I'd been born a little less fucked up ig.
It would be too much to explain how, so I'm just coming in here to log a 'yes'.
spoiler
I'm sorry corgi :( Yeah, our world is really good at making us feel worthless. Depression is a really rough feeling, especially when the seasons start coming into play. I've felt like I've been in auto pilot for a while and that's definitely a hard feeling to deal with. We keep putting up with the auto-pilot for those great moments like getting to stay at your partner's place, or getting a tutu for your pupper.
Yeah I'm gonna take this opportunity to trauma dump a bit. Put it behind a CW, I get pretty dark but I really felt like typing this out, especially after I had a really awful day at work today.
spoiler
I've always had issues with depression but this is the first time in my life I've felt really materially hopeless. Like I straight up don't really see my life getting better at all, at best it will remain about as good as it is now which I'm not enjoying, if it gets worse I don't know how I'll handle it.
I'm in my mid-30s and still working retail and it's getting more and more stressful each year. I'm a stupid fuck up but finally got my shit together and decided to go back to school for something actually valuable, but now the job market is fucked and it's only going to get worse so I've just accepted this master's I'm getting is going to be worthless. I'm just stuck in this and need to accept it. Also I've given up on relationships. I don't like saying this because I feel like it comes off as kinda incel-ish, but I'm a cis, mostly hetero man and I feel like there just not much romantic opportunity for me anymore, at least as a 30 year old. Women are, totally justifiably, fed up with men, I'm frankly fed up with men. I think it's totally right that many of them want nothing to do with us, but it does leave me single.
Ironically I'm actually less doomer about the world at large, I have some hope for humanity, but I think it's over for the corner I occupy. I just see things getting worse. I really wish I could just get enough money to buy a cabin in the woods and be alone, away from all the noise and stress, but I don't have the resources even for that.
I quit drinking recently, but I think I'm going to start again. I enjoy it, it's fun, and I don't see the point in not. It was hurting my health but I don't care that much about my health anymore and just want to enjoy what I can. I don't intent on actually harming myself, that would hurt my family, but I'm not really going to take care of myself beyond that anymore.
Ey, mid 30s too! I'm one year without booze, but if you can have a healthy relationship with it, no need to pile any guilt on yourself. Hope things look up soon, and glad you're hanging in there!
I'm not hanging in there, I've just given up. There's really no way things are getting better short of a miracle so I'm just accepting it and trying to enjoy what I can. I'll be a sad bum working in retail and rent a basement from my dad forever. But it's okay I got booze and video games.
you're lucky you have a partner.
I'll never have one, or even be able to hook up or have a fling or FWB or anything, because I'm a NEET on disability.
I don't wanna come off like I'm espousing platitudes, but I genuinely hope you find someone. It sucks, but keep trying, it'll happen
if it wasn't for my partner eventually i would have just stopped giving a shit and done something stupid with drugs on purpose
i know im in a differnet spot then you this is so fucked but the only good thing about climate change is my SADD comes later now and is shorter. but then hits again in the summer?
i love hiking and can't stand the world all dead and sterile like when you come out of the vault in fallout. so i just started embracing that and finding abandoned stuff to hike around
love ya im sleepy hope that made sense just sharing stuff
It did, love ya too! Always happy to hear from ya!
Yeah, I know them feels love
The only saving grace I have is that I have a kind and caring partner who basically drags me out of my personal plague pit every day
A real Do it for her
kind of gal
yuuuuup
no partner, community, or job and no way to get any of those without immense suffering and even if i tortured myself to try there's no reason to expect success. it's like a slot machine but you get a bone broken every time you pull the lever and the prize is still suffering under capitalism and all the other social ills marginalizing us.
Yes... all the time. You aren't alone. If you ever need anyone, my dms are always open to anyone who just needs someone to talk to
Thanks comrade. Same goes to anyone reading this, I'm always happy to listen, even if I might not know what to say.
Also, good to see another crust fan! We have a few others here too! Whatcha been listening to lately?