BountifulEggnog

joined 1 year ago
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Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 5 points 7 hours ago

spoilerIt feels like the problem is who I am. Can't stop thinking about suicide. Whatever, I don't have a method so no reason to post this shit. Just going to keep writing in my diary.

But yea, that would be nice. Keep working towards it ig.

Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 10 points 9 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago) (3 children)

self harmSelf harm heals up, pain returns, si thoughts return. Literally just kill me catgirl-flop Trying to be safe, trying to do okay. Sorry I keep complaining about all the same stuff. Just feel shitty and miserable I guess. Trying to resist the urge. The spiral just keeps going, I feel like I have no control over how I feel.

Why am I this way and when will it end. This constant loop is awful and I can't keep going with it.

Help with Glasses repair/replacement and medical bills, warm clothing [0/150 for glasses] in c/[email protected]
Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago (2 children)

I've been in such a pissed off mood the last like day or so, idk what my problem is but I'm going to end up snapping at someone. Was fighting with some computer thing earlier (I've put it aside for now, still want to get it done today though...). Anyway at least it isn't directed inward right now but I am going to fight a mfer if I get the chance.

Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 days ago

Yea, I probably would. Hate it though. Using my vocal cords sadness

Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 16 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

Watched ~~part of~~ a voice training video and now youtube thinks I'm serious. Stop reminding me of my weakness ohnoes

Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024 in c/[email protected]
Looking for couch to crash on in NYC in c/[email protected]
Fuck, man. Things are bleak. in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Puberty blockers are already getting banned (at least for trans kids) in a lot of states.

158
Ryujinx is dead after being contacted by Nintendo, sad day for switch emulation. (hexbear.net)
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
47 comments fedilink
 

After Yuzu got shut down I'm not sure what this leaves people with for switch emulators. I'm going to try and find archives and will update the post when I do.

Last windows build: archive.org

Slightly older, but has linux and mac builds archive.org

Okay there we go, a github mirror: https://git.naxdy.org/Mirror/Ryujinx

65
I am lazy (hexbear.net)
 

I am a lazy failure who can't do anything. Basic shit I consistently just... don't do. Its embarrassing. I don't even want to list all of it. I have hobby stuff I've wanted to for years that I've just never gotten set up. Homework? More like I'm not fucking doing that. I've been wanting to take steps for months to get myself on hormones and get clothes but have I done them? No? Of course not, because I'm fucking lazy. All I do is rot. Its been this way for a long time, I can't even remember when the last time I didn't struggle with this. And it doesn't feel like its getting better. If it really is my autism I'm not sure how it ever can get better.

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Can someone who knows more about bipolar... help me? I'm trying to figure out what my issue is and what's normal. (hexbear.net)
submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
14 comments fedilink
 

I'll get this out of the way at the start, there's a good chance its just other things I'm dealing with. I'm autistic, and have semi recently figured out I'm trans. Those changes have made me a little less stable feeling. CW for the rest of this post for talking about many sad things, although I do not feel sad right now.

self harm, suicide, negativity, drug use, eating, etcLately I have been going from extremely happy to extremely sad, or extremely sad to very happy. As an example, last night I didn't care anymore and wanted to kill myself. Today I am on a cloud and genuinely very happy. Nothing materially changed about my situation, no one talked me down, nothing. I smoked a bit of weed, felt better but still like I'd kill myself if I could, and now (the next day) I'm doing great.

I struggled with depression for a while as a teen. I was self harming (something I have sadly gotten back into), hopeless, all the things. Meds never helped, ketamine didn't help, ECT seemed to help? But the doctor thought I wasn't reporting my symptoms normally or whatever so I never was able to follow up and continue. He felt like it was some personality issue (I'm diagnosed with avpd, but now I feel autism + being trans explains it much better).

But these swings happen a lot. I've made some very impulsive purchases while feeling good and just hoped it would work itself out. But is that because I broke from my depression or because I was some flavor of manic? I think when I have one of my swings people are surprised how fast it is. Just like, the way they tend to respond ("oh I'm glad you're feeling a little better" but like no, I feel completely fine now, on my way to feeling great.)

The swings usually last hours or days, although like I mentioned when I was a teen I was very depressed for a while with basically no ups. I feel like I usually have a bad few days with some random ups, and then a few good days with some random downs (like once a day for a couple hours).

I worry the lows will kill me one day. I get intensely depressed, suicidal, and don't care about my life. If I had access to a gun I would kill myself with it, when I feel like that. Now though, that I'm feeling good? I feel hopeful, full of life and energy, like dying is the last thing I want to happen to me. And especially if things actually don't look good in life and I don't bounce back quickly... I just would.

But I'm not sure if I want to take bipolar medication either. I don't want to feel numb. This feeling of happiness is amazing, it fills me, I just want it to stay around. If my issue isn't bipolar, this could be my normal. But obviously if it is bipolar or something like it... then its not normal and the lows won't lift themselves.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions, my current thought is to keep pushing on transitioning and see if the lows clear up on their own. I honestly have no idea if what I'm describing is normal emotional changes or not. The lows I'm pretty sure are not normal, because they do get bad enough I'll self harm or not eat for a day. Anything to avoid them.

13
A breakdown how how transformer models work (AlexNet, an image classifier) [edit: more about CNNs then transformers, I misunderstood] (www.youtube.com)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
4 comments fedilink
 

A great, slightly more in depth (without being mathy) explanation of transformer models. Mostly talking about AlexNet, an image classifier from 2012. Goes over some history and has some very interesting looks under the hood.

He does use some personifying language for these models, but that's unfortunately the case for most information on the topic.

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This would be so funny (hexbear.net)
 

twitter

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Character ai is now serving roughly 20,000 messages a second (1.75b/day), around 20% of how many google search results are returned. The loneliness of capitalism is showing itself. (blog.character.ai)
submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
18 comments fedilink
 

I know not many of you care about LLMs/other ai models but I think this really shows the amount of loneliness and in our society. Look at how it presents itself on Google. As an AI that feels alive, always available, that understands you. People don't use this service to summarize text or get help with their programming homework like they might chatgpt. They are selling artificial companionship.

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AVPD, a vague (tearful) rant (hexbear.net)
 

bit of a warning but this is a very sad, pathetic and hopeless post. If you're easily made sad you might wanna sit this one out.

avpd is my own personal hell. Its destroying/destroyed my life. I have 2 "friends" I hardly talk to. Dropped out of college. No real prospects. I was born privileged and have just wasted it. I'm a failure. A husk of a person. I've never been on a single date. I'm just sitting here spinning my wheels. And the wheels aren't really spinning anymore. I'm so desperately lonely, but I just... can't. I don't even know how I'd meet people, if I could step out. I'm so lonely, and sad and FUCK being a social creature. What a cruel joke. A social creature that has a fucking personality disorder so they avoid socializing. WHAT THE FUCK. And this shit's permanent. Its who I am. Sure I can "cope" better but I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING COPE I WANT TO BE NORMAL WTF. I WANT TO BE LOVED AND LOVE PEOPLE AND I JUST CAN'T. ITS TOO DAMN HARD.

suicideI just wish I could die. I can't take this. I'm such a waste. Being alive is too painful as an anti social, social being.

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Helldivers 2 has been delisted from many regions (steamdb.info)
 

Apparently it's 177 regions but I don't know how to check.

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I love pretending to be an owl on the internet (hexbear.net)
 

That's the post whoo whoo

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I love being mad on the internet (hexbear.net)
 

That's the post dumbass

7
I love being original on the internet (hexbear.net)
 

that's the submission fellas

12
I love spreading misinformation on the internet (hexbear.net)
 

that's the post folks

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