Asklemmy

A friend: if they are immigrants on a work visa, barely know you, and are pushing you to marry them to stay in the country, and also give you an STD and still refuse to wear condoms? Bad. My friend was rather an insecure person and considering this until she asked me for advice and I said that it was a bad idea. I do understand the plight of an immigrant but this was just wrong.

Another friend: their boyfriend would ask them if he could take her Ritalin some days, and she was dealing with a personal struggle with alcoholism and would just say "ok sure I guess I just won't take it today" because she felt like she couldn't say no. He also did not call an ambulance when she had a seizure and eventually she was discovered to have an aneurysm that needed immediate evacuation, and she feels that was maybe because he beat her during a time when she was too drunk to remember and gave her a head injury, as she has a recording of something on her phone. Do not be with someone who will supply your addictions. Thankfully she got sober and got out.

Me: if from the get go his mother is rude to you despite you being a polite and eager to please person, and when you finally say something to him about how she's being rude to you, and his only answer is to say "yeah, my mother can be very rude" in a tone that says this is the way it is and he sees nothing wrong with it, and does nothing to defend you from her behaviour or address it, that's bad. If he's cavalier about money and finances and his significant debt, and goes out behind your back and spends a lot of money and when you object says it's his "character flaw", or when he goes out behind your back and spends 3000 dollars on furniture you haven't even seen, and when you get mad and are angry at him for a while says "when are you going to take me off the cross?", as if you're the one with the problem? That's bad. If he gets suspended and also fired from work and lies to you and dodges the truth about why, that's bad. If a million other bad things happen, that's bad. If you break down and tell someone about how bad things are in your relationship, and he finds out and tells you that you should have kept it to yourself and "worked it out together" despite being super violent, manipulative, and puts you in a bad financial position because of it? That's bad. If you ever feel in danger and scared to come home, look at your texts from him, or spend any money, that's bad.

Follow me for more relationship tips about what not to ever, ever, ever sign up for.

A friend commented on my wife and I's attachment style the other day and yeah that's a big one. I naturally have a disorganized (leaning anxious) attachment style and my wife naturally has an avoidant one. But from the beginning we did the work to reinforce secure attachment thought patterns in ourselves and it's made a world of difference. So yeah, a lot of people could really use to work on their attachment style

I think it's important to realize that we fantasize the person more than actually knowing them in the beginning. This can be bad if you're expectations are high and you find yourself fantasizing about a partner often. It's especially hard when just chatting online as we tend to form that person in our head before we actually meet them.

Just remember it takes time to really get to know someone. You can spend a lifetime learning someones inner workings and never really figure it out 100%. It can be a blessing though since it will allow you to fall in love with the person more than once.

edit: meant to add that it's also a similar struggle if you fantasize about "The One that Got Away". It's not reality, that person isn't who you believe them to be in your dreams (both literally and figuratively if you dream about them at night). Your perceived notions of what that relationship would be might hold you back from actually fully committing to the person you're interested in.

The biggest mistake I see is that people don't ever mix with people anymore.

Honestly the biggest single question I would ask if I wanted to bet how likely someone gets a partner would be "how often do you leave your house outside of work and grocery shopping" Do stuff. Dating apps try to bring single folk to you but you'll have far more fun just... doing stuff. Doesn't matter if you go alone or with a group, it's usually more fun than just browsing the internet.

Go to a car show, go to an anime/scifi/star trek/furry convention, go to a craft fair, go to a bar and sit at the counter, find some way to have fun in public. Don't even bother trying to hunt down a partner, just have fun in a public setting. If you find ways to have fun in public, you start going out in public more. You do that, you start meeting potential partners by accident. Not only that:

1. You start learning social skills

Being surrounded by strangers means you can do a faux pas and nobody will remember it was you a week from now. They're strangers, they remember the story but not the person. A group of strangers can be oddly freeing, you can say no to them and never see them again. If they judge you you'll probably never see them again.

2. You start learning about your area

I learned Minneapolis has a fire breathing co-op so you can learn to juggle flames, a 501st legion of starwars cosplayers that can bring the empire to any event, a working ecto 1 that sometimes prowls the streets and has a youtube series.

3. You start becoming more interesting.

Did you click the links? You see what I mean? Now this is an interesting post. You now have things to talk about, about the land around you to whoever you're talking to. It also provides two really great topics to talk about. "what have you found around here?" "what have I found around here?" Is there another event? A club or bar that is just bizarre? A sport or game you've never heard of. Apparently Minnesota's roller derby team is amazing, still haven't found the time to watch a game, but if you can find one, why not try there?

Seriously just... do something. Find an event. If you think it's stupid then try to verify if it's stupid. (never was interested in cars, but it was free. Turns out the car show had the ecto 1, and the adam west batmobile. My hypothesis was proven wrong) Instead of scrolling through lemmy or facebook, wander around an event and watch and listen. If you see a booth, ask about it.

I found that I could keep things interesting to me by basically playing a scavenger hunt with events. Go to an event and find your next event at the event you're at. An event can be anything from a party, a convention, to a place that's just plain interesting. It also really got people interested. Whenever I brought up my quest "find an event at this event", people loved the idea and would often try to help. Heck, sometimes they'd even tag along at the next one.

Don't rush into things. Be friends for awhile first. It establishes more natural connections, and you learn more about the person well before you start doing lascivious things like holding hands.

• Profiles with no hooks. They'll have like 3 unremarkable pictures and a bio that says like "I like hanging out". What is your match supposed to do with this? It's extra bad if their bio says like "I hate small talk".

Side note: small talk plays important roles in socializing and is an important skill. Use it to steer the conversation to interesting topics.

• Getting too in their head and bailing for flimsy reasons. Like, if the guy threatened you definitely do not continue. But I had a friend that was like "he was really sweet and lived nearby, but his hair was browner than his photos and I just wanted blonde". Like what. That is not a good reason to bail.

No one's going to be perfect. People are going to be nervous on a first date. Give them a chance.

• Conversely, sticking with a relationship too long. Contrary to the above, sometimes you really should call it. If the guy isn't treating you with respect, you don't have to keep going. If you realize you never look forward to seeing them, you should probably end it.

• Chatting too long before meeting. You're not a real person to them when you're just over text. You're missing body language and tone. You want to meet in person quickly.

The general flow for me is like

• Initial message. Hopefully ask something about their profile
• if they respond well, maybe another couple follow up questions.
• clear any deal breakers. Eg: if you have a kid, ask "hey I just wanted to check you saw on my profile I have a toddler. Are you okay with that?"
• ask if they want to have a date in person to see if you get along
• schedule the date
• go on the date

If the online chat ends and you haven't scheduled a date, but you want to, that's bad. You don't want to be having a second "hey what's up?" tinder chat.

• related to the above: dead ending the chat. Don't do that. Like, let's pretend your profile says you love dragon age. They message you with "I've been a dragon age fan since origins! Did you play Veilguard yet? I'm thinking of starting it this weekend". You respond with "I haven't played it yet ". What the fuck kind of garbage reply is that? What is the other person supposed to do with that? They essentially have to send you another first message. Good first messages are hard! Give them something to work with. "I haven't played it yet, but I loved origins! Always played mage. What was your favorite origin?" You almost always want to ask a question.

If this doesn't come naturally to you , that's fine. Just remember with your brain "always ask a question". You need to give them something to work with.

• Don't non sequitur into sexual details. Sorry, but them's the norms. Like, a friend was chatting with a match about Star Trek and the guy out of the blue was like "so do you like anal?". Unmatched.

And a last thought that ended up stranded at the bottom of this post, and I'm writing on my phone so editing is hard:

"But what about people who want to take it slow?" Do you want to date someone who doesn't want to date? I don't.

edit: minor error from autocorrect

If you met online, do a video chat as early as possible before you get all emotionally invested. I've been catfished more times than I can remember.

Trying to be too serious too quick. You've gotta let the dopamine rush of the possibilities wear off before truly knowing if the person is a good fit.

Being me.

The most glaring ones are immodest men looking for modest women

I showed penus. Now there is restraining order.

It's sad to see people who want a bad boy/girl and just end up in a toxic relationship. It's possible to find someone who is badass AND willing to treat you with respect, but they are not common. It takes way too long for people to realize that the gentler person is going to lead to a better relationship in the long run.

Not sure whether it’s a mistake or not, but when I see people being so negative on their profile, I skip. It’s fine to announce your intentions (eg, looking forward a commitment, not looking for a situationship), but if your profile is mainly a list of don’t’s, then that to me screams you’ve still got issues to work through.

Another one are the people who either don’t fill out a profile, or say something trite like “if you want to know, ask”. That makes me think you’re lazy, and expect the other person to do all the work. If you can’t be bothered even a little, then I can’t be bothered even a little.

No idea. I always tell them how nice I am, I always hold the door for them, and I even shower before we meet up. I've even going so far as to pick them up at their houses, they never seem to appreciate it. Some have reacted quite unexpectedly, slamming the door and yelling about police. I've learned to never show initiative and learn their address beforehand, as the effort is never reciprocated. Maybe if I was some knuckledragging douchebag, I'd get some of the attention I deserve.

aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.

Any abbreviations being sent are probably are easy to understand for the sender? Sounds like a generational difference more than anything.

I don't know why you think that religious and non-religious people can't be together. That very attitude tells me that I would never want to go on a date with you. My wife and I have been in such a marriage for 15 years, we have two children, and it works just fine. In my opinion, the problem is the fanatics; they are the cancer of this world, and when I see that someone is a fanatic, it tells me to run away from them.