GayTuckerCarlson

Just like that Mr Shapiro

Written by Labi Siffre for his long term boyfriend

Perfectly fried tofu in garlic olive oil with stir fry broccoli and peas

Joey Chestnut, a 16-time winner of the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, has been banned from the event this year, Major League Eating (MLE) has announced. The ban apparently stems from Chestnut's new partnership with a rival vegan food brand.

Chestnut has become a Fourth of July staple, winning 16 of the last 17 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contests, including each of the last eight. Chestnut also holds the all-time record with 76 hot dogs and buns eaten, which he set in 2021.

MLE has weighed in on the decision to ban Chestnut from the even, confirming in a statement that Chestnut's partnership with a plant-based food company is the reason for the split. MLE did say that Chestnut would be allowed to compete if he renounces his partnership with the plant-based brand.

"We are devastated to learn that Joey Chestnut has chosen to represent a rival brand that sells plant-based hot dogs rather than competing in the 2024 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest.

"MLE and Nathan's went to great lengths in recent months to accommodate Joey and his management team, agreeing to their appearance fee requests and allowing Joey to compete in a rival unbranded hot dog eating contest on Labor Day. For nearly two decades we have worked under the same basic hot dog exclusivity provisions. However, it seems that Joey and his managers have prioritized a new partnership with a different hot dog brand over our long-time relationship.

"Joey Chestnut is an American hero. We would love nothing more than to have him at the Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, which he has dominated for years. There is still the opportunity for him to choose Nathan's and July 4th over the plant-bases hot dog, and return to the adoring fans if Coney Island. We hope that he returns when he is not representing a rival brand."

Not having Chestnut in attendance would be a seismic shift for the Independence Day competition. Last year, no one came close to Chestnut's 62 hot dogs and buns eaten. Geoffrey Esper, the No. 2 ranked eater in MLE, finished second with 49.

I made a post recently on chapo.gov/c/chapotraphousepodcast.com. I pressed the "post" button and eagerly retreated to my study awaiting precious engagement. My study is an interesting place. It is entirely unfurnished except for a bed directly in the middle up against no walls. I sat in the dark meditating, reflecting how less sexy Miranda Keyes from the Halo games would be if they released today under woke Microsoft, or "wokeosoft". Her skin is soft and pale, why cant I look like her? Why can't I have long flowing hair? I can grow my hair like that but the radical left Democrat Party won't allow it, they call it "cultural appropriation".

I checked my phone and saw that my post, simply asking a Hexbear.chat user to become my wife had been removed. It was called "inappropriate" and "unusual" that I had written out a 12 paragraph description of our life together on the farm if this user would marry me. I would still like her even if she wasn't trans. Each day I would awake at the crack of dawn, 1:30 PM, and fart myself out of bed while cracking every individual joint in my body, my beloved wife would be there to greet me with an orange soda and a donut. At 2:30 PM I would arise from bed and begin the work day on the farm, I would begin by greeting Juan, our farm hand strong enough to carry a bale of hay by hand. "Hot enough for you, john?" He always cracked up at my jokes. "Mr. Carlson, can I please put a shirt on? I am getting sunburned again". I drink another orange soda.

After a hard day of work I would be finished with my tasks and return home for dinner. I would greet her/you with a kiss and a silent, 25 minute long stare directly into your eyes. When do I blink? Only when you do. I drink another orange soda and kiss you deeply, burping directly into your mouth. I drink another orange soda. You would make me a dinner meal made of meat. Only meat. No vegetables. I'm not gay like that. I return to our bedroom, playing my Xbox while you take care of the house and mend our clothes. I drink another orange soda and gently fall asleep with you in my arms early at 8 AM, gently drifting off to thoughts of our love and the next day on the farm.

So please, moderators of Hexbear, restore my post and unban c/dating to let love bloom like 100 flowers

In love (whether you like it or not) Tucker "The Tiger" Carlson

Our future wife and child are counting on us

Edge your life not your dick