i can't walk somewhere without being anxious of if my hips are moving enough, i freak out when my shoulders slouch in a certain way, i try to make myself as small as possible, i have to wear my most fashionable outfit but never the same one twice,

Sorry, is there a specific way women have to slouch their shoulders? I guess I've been cheating by not doing that and still getting gendered right... Plus, who actually pays attention to anyone's hip movement... I would say that shit's cisnormative but it isn't even,I can GUARANTEE YOU a decent percent of cis women do not meet whatever parameters you have set here. It all smells too much of "etiquette classes", fucking finishing schools set up by the bourgeoisie to uphold patriarchal norms... Shit, see CIS WOMEN need fucking CLASSES to learn this shit, even! It isn't real, it was made up BY A GUY

With regard to making yourself small, eh y'know, is femme only when someone is a certain definition of small? I'm not sure how much it helps though honestly... The outfit 'rules' though, that's not a real thing for anybody. I bet most people do not bother looking decent to go get groceries, y'know...

but everywhere else i feel this constant overwhelming anxiety about presenting "correctly" and it's exhausting. i want to say "fuck it all, i'll do whatever tf i want" but the more i keep this coping mechanism going, the more i do actually feel correctly gendered by these people. i don't want to care but i feel like i don't have a choice

I promise you do, though. Anecdotally speaking I had worse results (in terms of misgendering) when I was deliberately presenting very femme all the time, Idk what that says about anything. But disregarding that you don't owe anyone a performance in exchange for basic respect, I'm just not sure it actually helps 100% of the time. I dunno, you could always start really small, like if you wanna wear the same outfit two in a row, you could? Go out with less or even no makeup, just do these once or twice as an experiment, see how it goes? I sort of took it slow too, I mean there was probably five or six years between the last time I went out fully dressed up as a matter of course, and the first time I went out in sweatpants and a hoodie, without doing my hair. You don't have to go full burn-your-bra right away, it's about being comfortable

a red light is something like "ha! you fucked up, i see now that you're not really a woman. you've gone and justified all the preconceptions i have about you and all trans people." i know that nobody's realistically thinking that but i get that vibe when someone specifically treats me differently to cis women (e.g. giving everyone else a hug and me a handshake, openly objectifying women in a voice call and expecting me to agree). it makes me overanalyze and try to figure out what my "tell" was.

Two things: One, you won't ever figure out what your "tell" was, first because it doesn't exist but also because whether or not anyone passes as a gender to someone else is an entirely subjective matter that has many factors, that amount to their perception of a person. Two, though, I'm not really sure all or any of the examples you cite are passing matters. Someone who's gonna be shit like that is just a transphobe, really it wouldn't matter if you were perfectively cisnormatively passing at all times. The second they know you're trans, that shit will come out. Trying to mold your appearance and presentation to the whims and perceptions of transphobes does not seem that cash money, and also they should die.

I don't know how much it even bears thinking about. Obviously getting treated differently by transphobe fucks like that is deeply unpleasant, but the problem is not with you, it's with them! and also they should die, violently. Knowing someone is trans (however that perception has been arrived at) should not change your treatment of them like this.