now that I have my job and moved to an apartment the procedural barriers to actually doing something about my gender have all but eroded. Theoretically I could go to an informed consent place and get an HRT prescription. It's just really scary to consider doing that

I've found myself really consumed with doubt when I think about it, which has been less so now that I'm working full time and have less time to idly contemplate my identity. Truth be told, living as a guy feels... fine right now. Not great, but not the worst thing in the world? Shouldn't that not be the case?

I'm scared that I've been deluding myself for almost two years now. Cis people supposedly almost never think about their gender, it's said, but I'm unusual in a lot of other ways. What if I'm the odd cis person that does think about their gender? What if I'm tricking myself just so I get to feel "special" and not like a lame guy? Or what if these OCD symptoms I've been discovering with my therapist are behind all this, and it's just something I latched onto as an obsession that doesn't really mean anything about my identity after all?

I'm thinking about just going for DIY HRT so I don't have to show my face at a clinic if I turn out not to like it. That's giving me some hope, the idea that if a cis person takes the wrong hormones they feel like garbage. That way I know for sure, right?

Thinking about this gives so much anxiety, but I know that if it is something I want then every second spent waffling is another second wasted. My habitual over-analysis goes in circles. Makes me wish I just didn't have to exist so I didn't have to figure this out. I see my therapist tomorrow so I hope she has good advice for me

Anyone know a good budget alt/goth clothing store here in Yankee land?

I like how all the right-wing attempts to create an alt-right pipeline for women have largely backfired. Classical Abby was laughed out of the room, pearlythings became a punching back, etc.

Then you see guys like Destiny and Asmongold. Cis men are apparently a lot easier to manipulate with a much lower bar of entry. You can look like a malnourished rat amped up on crushed Adderall with awful opinions and they’ll become your devoted cult members.

What if I started using some neopronouns

I;m thinking about thos pronouns

I have now met two other covid-cautious chinese trans communists. it's so funny. (and one covid-cautious chinese trans anarchist, but i think they probably would not want me to call them a communist.)

The posting cycle resumes:

I think I was a little silly earlier. My time perception is getting less crazy and I’ve been more mindful. Dissociation is not forever and paying attention to something leads to it changes. I’m still dissociated but I’ll stay optimistic. Maybe my cognitive strategies will keep anxiety at bay without full repression? Life remains a mystery that will continue on changing as it goes.

When the dysphoria got you feeling shaped like that Backrooms monster.

Estrogen stay winning

Sinner (me, dysphoric, confused, anxious) In The Hands (comments) of an Angry God (Hexbear)

It's so easy to skim the mega looking for theory than to actually go to different comms tbh, speaking of which anyone got any recommends? I need something to listen to as I half exist today pls and thank you

Sometimes you read a Whipping Girl quote and it's like

I think this is best captured by the psychological term "cognitive dissonance," which describes the mental tension and stress that occur in a person's mind when they find themselves holding two contradictory thoughts or views simultaneously - in this case, subconsciously seeing myself as female while consciously dealing with the fact that I was male.

and I understand what she's actually talking about, I can see through the bullshit fog, but fr this cisnormative bullshit is wearing on my mind.

This gender dissonance can manifest itself in a number of ways. Sometimes it felt like stress or anxiousness, which led to marathon battles with insomnia. Other times, it surfaced as jealousy or anger at other people who seemed to enjoy taking their gender for granted.

Indeed, how dare they... their genders...