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WE BEAT THE NEWS MEGA
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navel gazing, cw discussion of sex related stuff
I guess maybe it's being NB (again) or else I've had some kind of internal seeing-the-light moment, but I have pleasant, weird and new perceptions of myself and my expressions and a lot of things I do.
If you asked me six months ago what I thought of being touched below the belt, I would probably have said "don't even fucking think about it". Now though, I can honestly say that I have had sex without any real dysphoria, which in itself feels weird. I've been a dysphoric little bitch my entire life, and now it's just... fine? I did not feel the need to instantly pull up the covers or whatever afterword. I'm not convinced that my junk bothers me in sexual terms. Cool?? Could I have spent the last decade not suffering if I'd just forsaken binary genders?????? Did it really have that much of an impact on my self-perception and everything??? I guess so...
To be fair, part of this is all that excruciating trauma processing I did a couple megathreads ago =) My mind and its stream of consciousness will still float away and think irrelevant things if I let it, but having put in all the work to actively rein that shit in means I can think clearly about whatever is currently going on, ask myself what I want, what I'm gonna do. I feel ridiculously clear headed now; whereas before I would barely speak, I have a lot less trouble expressing what I want. Maybe I will be ready to do something funny and kinky at some point?
TL;DR
yeag
:::
cw: csa
Damn thatβs awesome. I have sexual trauma from when I was 11 and unfortunately talking about it and therapy havenβt solved my problems with sex yet :/ Nice to know that such improvement is possible though!spoiler
Oof, brutal. I dunno if trying stuff with a partner might help...? It might super not but Idk.Yeah it's rad though, feelin pretty good. It gets better, I think!!
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I think dysphoria is blocking my progress on it so hopefully itβll get better along my transition:)spoiler
Many such casesThat sounds like a lot of progress in 6 months, I am very happy for you.
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Trauma seems extremely hard to move past/work through and its always good to hear about someone doing it.It comes in fits and starts, this is easily the most progress I've ever made regarding this honestly.
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very happy for you on all of that!
on a (somewhat) similar note
I could really relate to what you were saying in that last paragraph. Untangling trauma is such a complicated effort and the many places it touches can be unexpected too. I also had very complicated thoughts on bottom dysphoria and it was so frustrating trying to understand before I got to the roots of it. I think things stop being similar after that lol, but in the last year I did a lot of healing and felt that clarity you expressed too. It made me a bit emotional reading that and I hope things continue to stay clear for you :>spoiler
No kidding!! I've been pretty surprised at all the stuff that's come out of this... I guess given the nature of the trauma though it shouldn't be that surprising. Like Oh, what happened essentially gave me way more bottom dysphoria?? Wild. The clarity feels really good though, and I'm glad you got something out of my waffling =)sometimes as you get later on in transition, some things start to matter less to you because your dysphoria on a whole is better. it could mean you're enby, but it could also mean youre just, you know, better now
I mean I also enbee =) but huh, so because I solved other forms of dysphoria, it potentially made bottom dysphoria better?