Remember to follow the Traaa com rules or else you are liable for any action that mods deem necessary
IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)
On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!
Do you love transgenders?
Do you love communism?
Do you love queer romance?
Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?
Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?
Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?
All of the answers should be: YES I DO ~~or else I WILL BAN YOU~~
Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY
The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists 
, Zionists 
(they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The 'Anarchists' (social chauvanists) 
in Bosporus, and the monarchs 
of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.
On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union 
is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain 
)that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human 
, Shimmi 
(Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran 
(a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.
First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist 
leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home 
, but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. 
As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack...
And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.
Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands
All are Communists 
All serve the Union 
All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism 
but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt
Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?
Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)
FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/
please do or else I will pout incessantly
just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK
(I miss her, she was a real one)
REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Here's a fun thingy: you can read my posts about it from the beginning, which would be funny. It is a grand slam for representation in fiction honestly.
waow, you think i should put it before orange book?
No, read Orange Book first. Depths is good slop but Orange Book is quasi theory.
got it! i am slow on books but i'll try to do some reading tonight, i might give Gender Outlaw a bit of a break and come back to it later
spoiler
damn i have been missing out gonna have to smash out orange quick then
It's a short but startlingly cool scene. I was and continue to be a big fan. Gay...
super based, only sad thing about being monogamous is i can only be gay in fiction
Gotta get your gay somewhere
true, also watching you and magi be adorable, very cute
We're just silly
waow all of these posts are actually the most based feed, how'd you filter it like that? or are you just that unfathomably cool in every post? :)
ngl i want to read these posts
Uh I have posted about stuff here, mostly horrifyingly overpersonal sex and trauma posts. Maybe change the search word to "sex" lol. I stayed off of posting about hot t4t spidermommy erotica though because volcel.
feels like i should make some of those too just to balance it out, i don't like knowing more about people than they know about me, but i'll take a look regardless
I actually do appreciate that because sometimes it ends up where the gutspilling is uneven, but my public posts are for public viewing :) Here's a fun one to read lol.
wow, that was actually fucking amazing, thank you for sharing! i actually ... can relate in some ways, as I'm sure you can guess regarding my earlier posts.
evening the scales, nsfw (although i am TOTALLY working at the same time lol) (sorry if this is against the rules or too much idk)
I have Complicated thoughts about sex.i've had what i think are autosexual tendencies regarding dressing a certain way etc, as well as kink stuff, when i was young i liked to do self-bondage. (sorry if this is tmi!!! sorry if all this is tmi!!!)
even if i am intimate with someone else, i still enjoy being intimate with myself, even right after, or on my own schedule. it's like i have two separate sex drives (and the intimacy-with-other-people drive is very low)
i don't get aroused to want to f someone ever, or haven't in a while, usually my partner needs to do some Konami code shit that neither of us have figured out and the stars need to align and finally i'll be like "ok i want you to touch me." if it weren't for all the other stuff i'd call myself acespike.
for some reason, reading fiction absolutely is a component in this, wayhaven got me all
as well as much much more embarrassing shit
my partner is not very toppy, like at all, and while i used to be very active in the kink scene and liked the idea of people topping me and doing M/s stuff etc, the real thing was nothing like the fantasy at all and i chafed against it really hard. I think my partner can tell, so we rarely do any power exchange (and he's not into it on his own, he just likes doing things i like which makes it hard if indeed i am looking to feel his arousal at topping me)
i'm very sensitive sensorally, but it can be very difficult to actually connect with someone during because i am fantasizing about something else that i read or saw somewhere.
i feel kinda awful about this because sex is supposed to be about connection with a person, but instead i'm thinking about sexy vampires or clothes i could be wearing that i think are sexy or whatever! wtf
i have trouble dressing "sexy" because of brainworms, but i fantasize about it, so i thought kink could help here, but i am just too stubborn and i think that it's a part of me that wants someone to push past my boundaries, but since that's fucked up and not actually hot, just trying to force myself to be more ok than i am, it doesn't work.
i did poly for a while, but got very hurt and burned from it, but i still have trouble setting boundaries with people (and of course everyone has a different definition of "friendship" vs "relationship", i'm pretty messed up in this regard, i find hugging my parents and friends difficult, but secretly want to rest my head in a trans lesbian's lap and hear them talk about their special interests to their partner and just kinda enjoy the empathetic comfort and feelings of their relationship (oh god well i guess that's not secret anymore mega cringe)) at all so i'm afraid of having crushes as i don't want to hurt my partner because he is the sweetest guy on the earth, and i don't want to threaten that relationship.
what is a crush, anyway? i've had lots of crushes throughout my life i think, and i wonder how many have actually been sexual desire or if i just misattribute the feeling i get from some people when i like them of "I WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS NOW AND TALK TO YOU EVERY DAY LATE INTO THE NIGHT" as a romantic crush because of the intensity and NT expectations. damn, my brain is weird
i probably need to reframe all of this now that i realize i feel other people's emotions strongly. i wonder how many times i've been aroused that i was actually feeling some else's arousal (the answer is probably a lot more than zero)? what is mine? i'm not sure if i have any outside of myself!
ok, i scared myself when i wrote this all out, welp
i am probably gonna delete this later lol,
Wtf no, you're welcome but wtf you are scarred for life now smh. Big scary sex post. That's cool though :)
spoiler
Weh! I'm glad you said all this stuff, it's really darn cool and I appreciate it, but don't be pushing past your limits or anything, okay? Do what makes you comfortable y'know.
even longer sorry!
starting from the end on this onetbh i thought you were going to think i was creepy or that someone else was gonna come in here and make fun of me or i was gonna get banned lol, but it's such a relief to get all of this off my chest so i did it anyway ... plus i think you understand me pretty well and i might learn something too.
true, i had some close calls, luckily no hospital trips required. parents only caught me once, scarred me for life tho
i was doing the thing where you feel so called out by something that you turn it into a joke as i didn't know about it until i read about it (and would have thought it was super weird). but uhhh yeah it seems to be a real thing that i feel! i have had crushes on fictional characters throughout my life, and it has always been a source of shame, so i buried it even from myself.
YES, THIS!!!! i could have written this exact paragraph!!!!!!!!!! (I keep thinking bottom surgery will make insertive fun since the reasons i don't like the insertive stuff i can do are ... well, i'm sure you can guess. who knows if that's actually the case though)
if i'm being really honest i'm not sure if i want to have anyone really to do this stuff with, it being my own thing means i don't have to mediate for someone else's desires at all.
I tried to write on emotional intimacy twice and erased both because I don't feel like I have a good handle on it. I don't think the following is 100% figured out yet so don't hold me to this:
emotional intimacy (not in the sexual sense here anymore, i'm not sure i have a sexual version of this) for me is rare in the sense that i really trust only my partner right now to be vulnerable around in person (it's way easier online over text since i can mediate my reactions and process things more), but i've only just shared my previous post with him as this is all new to me. it comes from conversations or touch, but i don't think it's sexual for me.
this is why it's so difficult for me to find the line between relationship and friendship, because i have no idea how to fit any of those things into those two boxes. if i wanted to cuddle my friends, would they think it was a romantic thing? would my partner? would i? gah
fuck yes (also lmao at your phrasing) i do this when the bf is out, sometimes i go all out even, even the guilt afterwards has lately been really minimal lmao. so glad i'm not the only one and that it can be a positive thing.
if i'm being honest, i'm probably naturally more inclined to poly just with the way that I can attach to and get very emotionally close to people if I'm not careful, but i found it very hard to get my needs met and there was a severe lack of stability and it was all so sex-focused, so i was just left feeling kinda empty and unfulfilled.
my ideal situation would be to have my partner be my safe person (heretofore I will refer to him as Safe Partner) and maybe just have people (or maybe a couple) that I can be really emotionally close to, so i can experience gayness secondhand. But, I'm worried whether I would enjoy that in practice, and what my needs would be in that situation, so it's gonna be fantasy for now. Of course I want to be really really mindful of Safe Partner's feelings about it, and everyone's, and I really would not want to hurt anyone. I guess I have unicorn fantasies, but not in a sexual way, which was the mistake I made before.
yep absolutely i feel this:
re.
i try to keep a tight lid on this one, but if i didn't i would too. i actually have a protective part of me reminding me if i get too like this "she called you paranoid last week" or really pointing out any flaw to keep me from getting hurt (I was called creepy a LOT for this when I was younger, as all my feelings would swirl together and I wouldn't know how to express them and I would get very intense). i think that my biggest desire right now is to find some friends that can make that protective part feel safe enough to truly relax around people :)
so cute asdsdfjsdlkfjrtj
yep! i think it's good though! i'm finally starting to understand some stuff. (plus, fuck work amirite it's nearly 4pm already and i've done like 10 minutes today lmao, staring at a spreadsheet right now that i just do not care about)
it's so nice to have you take it so seriously as i put a lot of thoughts into these. thank you so much. i do feel very comfortable talking to you both (and if anyone else sees it, well not like they know where i live lol). it's possible i'm just one of several chatters to you and i'll probably never match your posting power but i am so glad to have found the two of you to talk with, i feel very seen anyway :)
i feel like i've barely scratched the surface here for myself, waow it's gonna take like 100 more posts to get to the bottom of this
waow....
Okay cool, very nice, glad to help you get all of that out then honestly โจ I'd voice objections (if I had any) but I tend to reserve incredibly rude shit for like, lemmitors lol. Also I'm pretty sure all this (behind spoilers, not awoogabrained) is above board for the trans mega. If you could learn something from the silly internet site that would be rad.Oh
Well that explains a lot, I think if I had been caught doing anything as a kid I woulda quit, my condolences.
Ugh I hate that it's like this, things like this are why I'm so against "cringe" as a concept, like literally shaming someone for being dorky and having crushes on characters... why though? What possible reason? Is that bad? (it isn't) Shaming people over stuff like this is loser shit 99% of the time.
Blegh, yeah I've been there. For me, I figure if I have no interest in it now, I'm not convinced it's worth it getting everything below the belt reconfigured just for that. I have a bunch of other reasons I'm not into bottom surgery but y'know.
Ah I see, I misunderstood, mb. I think having something be your own like that is probably pretty good. Regarding emotional intimacy, yeah same, I only trust my wife basically. Despite being a yapper online I don't really know anybody irl, blegh. And I can agree that it feels weird trying to draw the line between friendship and relationship, there are people who cuddle their friends for e.g., but who knows what any given person thinks right? Kind of have to ask, and that could be fuckin devastating easily...
Hmmmm, but that's so based though, darn... I'm noticing that finding out your needs is a common throughline, not just for you but for lots of people, and is goddamn annoying. Since I'm dead curious though, do you know your safe partner's temperature on that kinda stuff? Have you poked around about that much?
Also your partner seems kinda based, Idk
gettin some good vibes.
I swear we need a People's Vanguard that just beats people to death with hammers for shit like this. I get that sometimes if someone dumps a bunch of emotions on you it can feel like too much, but "creepy"? I would simply not be mean to autistic effusive dorks, perhaps I am built different. Finding friends that make the protective part of you chill the hell out would be rad though.
You're welcome!! I like when I can go back and forth with huge, basically infodumps about personal stuff, I like knowing things abt people I guess. It's a lil special to me, I think. Again I'm glad to hear you feel comfortable getting all this stuff out and that you feel very seen, you should probably talk tomore neurodiverse queers honestly. Hopefully it takes you less than 100 more posts to get to the bottom of this โจ
how did it get so long again...
glad to hear it! i appreciate people being direct about their needs and wants. i know i'm not always direct due to trauma and shit, and i wouldn't be surprised if most people with our kind of life experience struggle too with it too, but reading you write "be assertive with me!!!" really kinda inspired me to be more honest. it's been difficult for me to open up and even disagree with people haha so this is a Big Deal.
haha yep, still struggle with it. found out my dad used to crossdress though thanks to that, the most awkward conversation of my fucking life.
yeah cringe as a concept is something i want to stop caring about - i want to lean into the cringe until i stop caring tbh
totally fair, tbh i still feel like i'm on the fence, i get very scared reading about regrets about surgery and the after work, but i just hate seeing that bulge. (do i hate it because of dysphoria or cis-heteronormativity?)
tbh when magi said similar, I've been thinking really hard about whether I want irl people because of societal expectations or because of some unmet need. It's totally valid to not want to be around people irl, like even i see my friends once every 2 months lol for board games and i would understand someone wanting even less than that, or none at all.
but, for me, i worry about not having a support network if i need it, and so i want people that i have a fair relationship with (oh man, yes there's a lot to unpack here on my concepts of "fairness" in relationships lol but that's its own post). i also want to know that i can call on people if i need to chat or for help, and ... well, i like to take care of and help the people i care about too. i'm not sure if that necessitates irl relationships though
damn this is confusing
yeah i did that once, and got ghosted for it, lol. i think i just won't approach the subject with allistics anymore, especially since honestly i'm not even sure if i want that, haha. maybe i just want to be in the same room, you know, and irl i'd actually be like "no touchie tyvm." hard to say for sure until i try anything, and it's probably highly dependent on the person too haha. (i guess i am very catlike) plus i have someone i can cuddle with literally whenever, i'm pretty conflicted about all of that.
so i actually just asked him about this - i asked him if he believes in the concept of "emotional cheating" and he said "no, but wait what is that? probably no though." i attempted to describe how i feel when i feel positive feelings about people and he was just like "no that's not a problem, sometimes people will be closer to others at different times" lol. he's great. but is that really "poly"? i've only heard the NT definition of it tbh, maybe my stuff doesn't even fit, loads of people are super close with their friends, only redditors seem have a problem with that.
this was so relateable that i laughed out loud for some reason. that is exactly the feeling. i had someone call me "paranoid" a couple weeks ago when i said my phone has basically only open source software on it and for sure there was a week or two where i didn't text her lol. did i shout at her? no. do i wish someone more word-competent and less conflict-adverse had assertive'd her for me? absolutely lmao. if we didn't have so much shared history and i didn't care about her well-being i probably would have just ghosted (this is bad of me, i know, i should tell people about these things, and to be fair i did try my best to display how her comment made me feel at the time), but we go way back.
he is so calm, all the time, it's so nice
, i want to show him to everyone i meet and be like "see? look how cool he is!!! ask him about retro games!!!"
yeah, it's a lot. i think my solution will probably just be to keep allistic people at a safe distance (which for the record i think is a standard NT disatance), and really only open up my soul to autistic people.
I hope I am the same too, but I'm worried that I'm not - I think my fears are likely unfounded though.
oh yes, this shit is my absolute jam. unfortunately my partner parses emotions quite slowly (relative to me) so he can't keep up with the speed at which i generate opinions, but that's why i'm here! i like knowing things about people too, i like to get deep into their thoughts and really understand different perspectives.
yeah agree, it's helpful to hear a diversity of opinions here from the various people who hang in this thread, as a start. not sure where else to find them haha (i have low tolerance for lib spaces)
idk i'm autistic online too but i'm much more reserved in my opinions until someone prods me, but yeah i think i understand what you might be getting at - you're just being yourself, right?
I opened this on my desktop PC and it overflows a 1080p monitor, lol lmao
I think most people in the west at least do, pretty traumatic society with traumatic norms. Death to amerikkka and all its allies btw!! I'm happy to hear my dumb idiot posting is inspiring though, good Big Deal!!
When ur cringe but free :3 it's rad, defeating that kinda Rejection Sensitivity-esque response is hard but I like yapping a lot.
HEY! Quit looking into my brain!!!
Dunno about you but for me, I think I mostly don't mind except for fashion, outfits. I wanna have a flat front for aesthetic reasons basically. So I should look into compression fits and tucking instead. It kinda scared me when I got on here and realised I mostly wanted bottom surgery for cisnormative binary reasons, my thinking got realigned thankfully.
Yeah I'm not sure, I have the desire for irl people but maybe not the aptitude. I might be better off on the internet, not as much stress or executive dysfunction involved. Not a lot of people treat that as viable though... "i worry about not having a support network if i need it," I am so cooked lmao
Uh being catlike is based
I would hope not interacting with allistics as much would help, it does seem tough to parse though.
Okay yeah he is based, I like your guy. "see? look how cool he is!!! ask him about retro games!!!" You should probably do this tbh! But I have no fuckin idea what qualifies as poly and not, people are scary Idk
spoiler
preamble: sorry if i'm talking too much, i hope you will not hesitate to tell me if you want to pick this up another time! it's also ok to reply later, tomorrow, etc., or just say one thing as well, all goodyep absolutely!!!
YEP, I WISH HE WOULD NOT TALK ABOUT THIS. he started talking to me about porn today and i was like ughhhhhhhh dad i am not ok with this wtf. i used to have intrusive thoughts about seeing him naked (NOT SV, just getting ready in the morning ...), made me really squeamish about guydick for a while. (yikes I have not told anyone this before)
I haven't looked too much into Rejection Sensitivity (have heard of it), but I think that it's a good way to describe it. I have it really really bad, to the point where I think there are times when I run away from prospective relationships/friendships entirely before I can get rejected. I want to defeat it too. It's hard, especially with new people. It helps to disappear, cry, and have Safe Partner tell me that I probably shouldn't reject myself before people actually reject me. So uhh yeah that happened today anyway I feel better now.
I feel this, but there's a couple other things for me as well, it just looks really out of place on me, and I usually have to tuck it between my legs to look at myself in the mirror, in the bath, etc. But, it can't be that bad if I've held off 15 years, right? So conflicted.
yeah totes, it's entirely possible I'll end up in the same place, trying to claw back the referral that got sent out lol. Lucky Canada is Canada so I got loads of time, just sent it off a few weeks ago.
yes, I actually still feel this despite having irl friendships in the past, but I guess I can thank masking for that. even just on the internet I can get super stressed. I don't really know what to do about it rather than just try to unmask more, push myself to ignore the
, and if people don't like me they can stop responding ig. my best friends in my teen years were internet friends, i have very fond memories of chatrooms lol. i never cared where they were from or what they looked like, one of them got me into programming and that became my career (sorry if i've shared this already)
okay, so, i've given it a lot of thought, and my master plan is now to web search "trans communist (but good communists like the ones on bear site) autistic adults in my area" and like, refuse to meet them in person until i know they're safe, after a good several years of text chat or something. i know there are hexbears in my city! i know the political climate here lol. we have fightback and cpc posters on the same telephone poles side by side lol
100%, talking to autistic people on this site is so much easier, i don't have to constantly be searching for the secret unsaid truth and i can just read the text plainly.
yes, haha frick i am not sure any of this fancy irl relationship stuff is worth it lol. sorry you have to see me all back and forth, i'm very divided on it! (but I wouldn't call what I'm looking for poly, just like... i want a Best Friend, you know?)
100%, this, based, exactly, tbh, tbh, tbh. we have a long history, but i want her to succeed at school now and she just moved here from Smaller And More Bigoted Town an hour away and of course I care about her, so I want to help out.
haha, i am not sure it's worth explaining the real me to NTs (other than Safe Partner), a lot of tedious "no, not like that" and "no, i meant what I said..." I still like NTs and other kinds of NDs of course, a lot, but there's a deeper connection imo that I can only really get with people like me fr fr.
yep!!!!!!!!!!
tbh, i think my real self, unmasked, might be just as outspoken, but it's too soon to tell :)
spoiler
The main thing I was finding was my wrists were getting tired, lol. New day new wrists!!!No wtf? It's not like going and getting vaginoplasty is easy, sheesh. Idk sounds to me like you have dysphoria around it, and if you could get something done abt it, that would be pretty cool. I do not tuck to look at myself in the mirror and stuff, lol. I dunno, y'know?
I wish I had a better solution than this but like, yeag... I dunno, again don't push yourself too much. I did a LOT of yapping where nobody responds and it always felt terrible, sometimes still do lol. Chatroom friends are based, programming waow........ I wish I was programming......
Haha would be nice, imagine that smh. I think I'm still in "wife is my best friend" town honestly. Friends? Lol lmao.
Oh okay same person!! Living in bigoted town makes you hate foss, I see
good to know...
I hope your real unmasked self is loud and talkative, very based. Might be fun โจ
i'm sorry, they are getting even longer...
hey so um before all of this, i just want to say again that i really really don't want you to feel any obligation whatsoever to do all of this emotional labour just for my sake (even though I appreciate it!!). i hope that if you're continuing to talk to me about this that you're getting something out of it too. most people in my life can't handle this much text from me, and if that's you, it's no big and I still like you and want to chat about other things :)literally me, i had to switch to a split keyboard (and switch to Colemak) & trackball for work, if i play too many PC games and my chair isn't set up perfectly ergonomically as well i can get into a lot of pain, but i still want to play them, so bleh. typing is generally less bad, luckily my laptop is pretty easy, but if i'm being honest it builds up for me over a few days and i've done a lot of typing in the past few days lol. that being said, I'm on my laptop lying in bed right now, not very ergonomic, but I can only really think when I'm lying down lol
just generally inhabiting a body is such a nuisance sometimes, i want to upload myself to the internet
good idea, i dm'd him, easiest way to be honest lol
yeah, i only started putting the pieces together about this yesterday, oof. sorry about that. 100% a me thing. i am finally starting to feel that feeling of "oh god how deep do the masks go?" as i'm realizing how much people pleasing i do, how much I think I know something about myself only to realize it's more complicated than that etc. It's cheezy, but I think I'd describe myself as an iceberg, where it just keeps going deeper and deeper the more I look under the surface. (and it's probably best to avoid me
)
yeah, it's complicated. some days i'm meh, some days i'm frustrated, but mildly, you know? is mild frustration really work all the work and pain and aftercare and risk? i have lots of thinking to do still, but it's helpful to know what it's like for you ty.
i'll probably be a bit slower today. I tried working this morning but man I just can't be f'd today. I am still thinking about our conversation Sunday, I really do appreciate it, I haven't decided exactly what my next plan is, but for the time being I've decided to do as little work as possible and spend that time doing things I enjoy and dream about taking a month off to go on a train ride across the country. i should call in sick today lol and just spend the day on thinking about this, maybe i will
update: ok i called in sick lol
100% this hurts, every time it makes me feel really alone and like I am strange, like no one likes me, and it's why I've been so hesitant to post at all even though I've been here for a year (well, that and I can't handle mean comments, Reddit taught me never to post anywhere). i know the rational response is that it got lost in the confusing sea of posts, or they just don't have anything to say, or they scrolled past. i guess i just fantasize about someone(s) who is literally me fr fr responding to all of my posts and nodding enthusiastically and adding their own perspective and telling me what they think I should do and it being kind of a Thing. uh, wait, I guess all of that is exactly what's happening in this conversation actually. I'm living the dream!! Someone is actually listening to all of my thoughts and isn't immediately running away from how many there are and how contradictory they are!!
lmao
god, if i could clone myself and just talk to her all day i absolutely would. that's the best friend i need lmao. we could take turns working a dumb job too and no one would be able to tell ... i shouldn't fantasize about impossible things.
one of my aunts, who i do not talk to ever, used to call up everyone on her birthday, and ask them to wish her happy birthday. believe it or not, this wasn't an act of passive-aggression from her, she just wanted to be cared for and was not afraid to ask for her needs. i think about this a lot, despite never wanting to see her again.
Safe Partner does his best, but even sometimes when I talk to him about an interest, he doesn't really know how to reciprocate and match my energy, so I feel a bit lonely sometimes even though he is great in so many ways.
i worry about unbalanced relationships a lot, like what if i want to be closer to someone and they don't? hard to tell sometimes what someone's thinking. maybe they're not sure about me, maybe they're afraid too, maybe i'm coming on too strong, maybe i'm just broken and clingy. it's led to me disappearing in all kinds of places before. i want to be more relaxed about this stuff, but i don't know how. this is why i want to embrace the clone life. 3-way polycule between Safe Partner, me, and me please.
does it help you when people respond, even if they haven't read the book/watched the show/played the game/thought about it? I've been wondering if that would be good enough for me.
damn, based, remind me to rant at you about programming languages and frameworks in the future, I have some infodumps stored up in my mind about gamedev, webdev, lol. maybe you can learn! (if you want) i taught basic webdev at college for a bit, felt so alive, so i'm happy to answer questions or walk people through things (this is one of the highlights of my job)
i slept on this, i'm more conflicted about this than I originally thought. sorry, you're getting the raw uncertainty now!
today, the thought of actually trying to find people like me fr fr in meatspace seems impossible (and also fills me with a lot of conflicting emotions). i think that there's probably like 8 people on the entire planet that i would tolerate that would tolerate me back and i don't think they're the kind of people that go out. plus i need to worry about what to wear, who is around, sensory issues, conversational pacing, needing to respond as soon as they say something instead of being able to take hours to think about it... yuck. long back and forth, like cyper-penpal stuff, feels good (you know, except ... job, wrists, lack of sleep, lol), because it's so flexible and i can really take my time to think, so maybe I'll just stick around here for a while haha.
also: i've been to the university here once to see the uni orchestra play Mahler's 1st when i first moved here, it's kinda out of the way of downtown as unis tend to be. it was great, i loved it, but uh not much interest in going back
also: it was one telephone pole a couple years back, not sure how widespread it was, i didn't even see it in person, Safe Partner sent me a pic lol when he was out
totally fair, i'm still not 100% sure what this need in me is, and what would fulfill it, i'll let you know when i figure it out... it might be something completely unexpected once i get further unmasking, which is the worst part about rushing anything tbh. i have ended up in situations like first chapter of Orange Book due to strong emotions leading me into things too fast without any mediation, based on a misunderstanding of myself.
i have an absolute list of essays i want to write for bear site since you mentioned that i could even do that, it's getting longer every day. but you can judge for yourself whether you think i am talkative, if uh this post even fits on one screen lol
gotta go long
smh rtstragedy being a DORK NERD again
This is pretty much my ideal form of conversation, if banging these out on a phone wasn't hard I'd do it way more lol. Also though "it's no big and I still like you and want to chat about other things :)" 
I just have a boring regular keyboard at a desk but it's not sore. I should get out my Thinkpad to type from bed more...
(trans autistic people will say this)
Woah based, awesome. Like thanks dad, I do not need to know about the stuff you joink it to though.
This is a good thing to have put together though, cheesy or not! Putting stuff together is basically always good.
That's so real, doing what you like, talking to internet dorks and daydreaming about long trainrides is such a better use of you time. We love to see it, don't we folks?!
I think I would get annoyed at my own clone's hyperfixated flights of fancy, lol. Two mes might be too much... Wow though that aunt was pretty cool in that one way, huh.
Oh god I just don't think about this, I skate by on vibes. If I thought this shit through it would probably stress me to death. I sometimes try to gauge interest level from other people but most I am
It's better than nothing, and if they wanna ask me stuff I can yap for hours. I do get irritated if nobody has seen THE THING but it's not other people's fault, I guess.
Okay but I outright cannot do math, the Commodore 64 User's Manual is my sleep paralysis demon. Integers....
Y'know u rite, fuck irl meatspace. Cyber penpals gang.
Oh god I'm so sorry, this wins MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE READ TODAY award
my condolences...
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lol i find this endearing tbh, but for real I can relate a lot to Maria's inner dialogue in Orange Book, she has that dorky energy for real. Her inner monologue about meeting Steph on the roof and thinking that lighting her cigarette would be patriarchal is so good lmfao, i don't smoke but i can 100% relate to that scene anyway
but thank you :) i've had a lot of bad experiences because someone got fed up with me talking too long or too late so i mediate and shorten my thoughts a lot. and of course, i want to be fair and accommodating as well.
haha yeah, sometimes i don't have a thing grabbing my attention at all and i just feel dead, so it's nice to have internet friends i can chat with
damn that's sick, the trackpads on laptops arent great for me and i'm picky about the feel of a keyboard (mushy = no typey) since i type so much lol, i also need a light touch keyboard, so my split keyb is as light as i could get full-size switches to be, but i still use the laptop keyboard in bed more
i hate being in my office since it's a "work" place (how fucked up is that?! i pay for that room!!!)
sometimes he uh ... overshares, i do NOT want to hear him talk about Stellar Blade, actually, I try to change the subject fast yikes
(if it was literally anyone I wasn't related to, I have basically 0 boundaries about basically anything in telling or hearing, btw)
i would have quit yesterday if i didn't have a several thousand dollar per month mortgage lol, or maybe even a year ago, i feel so free today now that I gave up on pretending to care for work, but still have to work out the finances haha
i hear you, i get really really emotional about internet things. i hope it's not too weird, i'm glad to hear it's not just me
frick hexbear's 504 issue is so bad i want to Direct Neural Link (that's a thing I just made up) you so that i dont have to refresh over and over to chat lol, i'm terrified of losing a big post one of these times
WHAT A GOOD POST OMG I AM SO GLAD I CALLED IN SICK TODAY SO THAT I COULD READ THAT i wrote a lot of words as a response, god your writing made me feel things, I haven't even read the story but I still really enjoyed reading it!!!!!!!!!!
damn is this normal? i have been missing out
hmmmmmm this is kind of a good idea tbh, maybe i shouldn't worry about it. i guess i care about people like a super lot and want to be the Best Person Ever for them, so I am worried about how they think and feel in order to be decent. Some of that is probably problematic for my own needs though
I hope as a substitute, you will accept me talking about a related thing this time instead :)
but, tbh, I like your recommendations, everything I've gotten into because of you has been so cool so far, so I'm looking forward to more once I work through the current batch.
I'm pretty sure I have some form of dyscalculia, tbh. Luckily the programming I do is mostly not math, just logic, and categorizing things, so I get by. When I have to do mental math I start sweating and my minuses and plusses and multiplies and divides get all mixed up, and when I have to do math in code I fucking die lol, coding games is tough for me, mostly I just find someone else's solution or a library to do the math for me.
(Also, I did do BASIC on a C64 when I was tiny (whatever short form makes sense for my name) and I fucking hated it tbh. Most modern programming languages are way easier to work with)
also sleep paralysis gang yoooo i used to sleep on my stomach and wake up suffocating and unable to move lmao. then i had surgery to get my gall bladder out and for some reason i went from 4 or 5 times a week to like 1 or 2 times every few months. how tf does that work?
fuck yes
yep totally, fuck irl meatspace tbh
I have a rough draft of one I'm working on. I want to get screenshots. It's going to take some time. I'm going to go all out, and I bet no one will read it lmao. But I will. Maybe you will.
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I almost always mean DORK and NERD as endearing :3 But yeah, one of the things that's great about Maria is she genuinely believes she is hardcore and cool and aloof and stuff, but you tear back one layer and actually she's a nerd plus punk albums, lmao.It's good to keep being accommodating and fair in mind, I do appreciate it, but also no worries!
I keep knowing autistic transfemmes who are apologetic about talking too much................
The "refreshing your inbox staring into the void" vibe, lol. INBOX, SHOW ME THE QUEERS IN MY COMPUTER!!!
Pretty fucked up, not a fan. Someone should do something about this
And yeah trackpads suck, but I was raised on old laptops so it's nothing to me lol. I am not a normal computer user...
It's definitely not but I try to normalise it everywhere I go. Not everybody can do it, these giant replies, but I think autistic people (and everybody else) should be free to yap neurodiversely. I love to see it.
Oh no
you gotta record your ramblings so he can listen back lol, that's brutal though. It does make me sad when neuro... diversities? are incompatible? 
Safe Partner is supposed to be NT I thought, but to me this feels like an 'autism and adhd people have difficulties' kinda thing.
Yeah I'm not saying like, never care about these sorts of things, but I think you should just try to look at how the other person is interacting and what they're saying, do they seem like they're having difficulties? If no dw about it, I guess. You can ask maybe, but Idk.
YES
Post it in the games comm and stuff, and then @ me and I will read your thingy :3
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totes, that's how i took it. i cant describe why i like the feeling of people i trust poking fun at me a little bit, but it's a good feeling for me. this counts for that imo
noted, haha, and i'm not surprised by that, people who talk a lot probably cluster together, and you're either apologetic about it or you're not, i guess?
lol yep, when i dont have something i literally just feel dead and like everything is pointless. learning that I should be doing something SI-related pretty much every day is helping.
oh wow, i want to hear more about that!!
tbh it might be autism
i have an absolute burning desire to share my innermost secrets with anyone who will listen, if they give me permission lol (and probably not in a public forum), but there are a couple of things that i would count as exceptions - and they are all about positive feelings like sex or liking people too much or other things i'll share later when i'm ready lol
yep, still not really sure what to do, still processing everything
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. yes, i remember everyone's name on here (actually it's easier with pfps) and there are certain people i love to death and if they were ever mad at me, like actually mad, not mad that i'm being stupid, i would 100% cry
lmao i mean it though, your writing is good. loved the way you expressed it, you must have worked really hard on that!!
thank you!
i'm diagnosed ADHD, suspected autism, which would make me AuDHD I guess. He is ... well, he scores low on most of the tests (yes I have made him do a lot of them), but he also does the classic thing where he questions every question and needs more context in order to answer them. He's like the meme of "no, i do not struggle wearing socks, for i have a System" and he scored pretty high on the RAADS-R, but none of the other ones. He doesn't do a lot of social things and is pretty quiet, I want him and magi to talk as I think the two of them would have a lot in common lol but he's not much of an online talker, more likes . But who knows, it's also possible that my rambling is so incoherent (lol I'm curious as to what you'd think of my speech style if you heard it tbh) that it's really really difficult to follow.
i will try
you suffer so i can read about Maria and be like "literally me fr fr except the heroin lol"
I got my start in Visual Basic, and I made chatbots for a precursor to Second Life called Active Worlds. I spent a lot of time there because that's where my friends were, and being able to show them the cool things I made was a huge factor in it.
I'm not sure what kind of language I'd recommend to start, maybe I'd divide it out into a few categories...
Game Stuff
App Stuff
Web Stuff
These are the languages I actually know, a star denotes I use it at work:
I never learned Fortran, or COBOL. I have no desire to lol. I taught myself to code in like 6th grade, the first app I made was a dumb calculator app in Visual Basic 5 because I hated doing math lol and it was easy. No one around me cared when I showed them, lol. "i made an app pls respond" was my life when I was young, but eventually I had a couple friends online that would be like "cool" sometimes. That little acknowledgement carried me through :) I'm sure programming is impossible for some people to learn, maybe even the majority of people, but I hope that if you want you can find a way to make learning it work for you, and I am happy to help when I am able.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is ... if you want to learn, there's a huge amount of variability in difficulty based on what kind of thing you're doing, and surprisingly little of it needs you to sweat out an algebraic formula. I got my start making games, and if you're interested in Godot (+GDScript, nice easy language to learn, and Godot includes a visual editor and all sorts of stuff) you can search it up on YouTube or read through the really nice documentation (and I can give specific recs if desired). Of course, have to keep expectations low at first, even just getting a game running where you can move around an empty void is a big deal!! And I recommend 2d instead of 3d, at least at first, especially if math hard, since the 2d math is way easier. If you see the word Quaternion, you should run screaming. It's a big scary math thing, I hate them, I hate them I hate them I know why they are used but I Hate Them. I interact with them as little as possible. lucky that most frameworks let you be like
player.rotation.rotateY(playerRotationSpeed)lol so you don't need to do dumb cross products and matrix multiplication. There are a lot of scary math things in 3d gamedev, but engines can hide some/most of that from you and the rest you might be able to just search up online.I've been working on a couple projects in Rust lately, I think that it may be a bit overwhelming to someone with less experience, but I'm happy to share it with you anyway if you'd like! (the dumb Link to the Past ripoff I'm working on is like 6000 lines of code lmfao I was doing 12 hour days on it earlier this year, but I'm too stubborn to use libraries when I could write things myself. It BARELY DOES ANYTHING lmfao why did I write a level editor?! Tiled exists and is free!). I mostly write code for the joy of writing it, it's like building Lego for me, the end product isn't as important.
lol that's funny, where I'm from you're supposed to be wearing thigh-high socks, cat ears, running Arch Linux on an old Thinkpad, and coding in Rust. I finally just got my programmer socks in the mail (not joking) lol.
ah frick, text limit again, i'll finish in another reply
thicc replies
I dunno, here I guess "dork" and "nerd" are so harmless? They don't even have negative definitions really. So using them that way is kinda funny I guess :3
God I sure fucking hope so, and I want them to apologise less for it.
What really? Uh I dunno, most of my laptops as a kid were Walmart specials, old donated thinkpads or netbooks. Intel
Graphics were the bane of my existence, and due to autism clumsiness I ended up killing several with spilt liquids. The fifth one, a Thinkpad E530 from highschool, is actually still around despite brutal treatment.
Okay this is good to know, I was wondering if I had done something weird when you kept saying 'oops never once said that to anyone before' and similar, but if you just wanna share stuff that seems pretty good to me
Same same, and yeah I feel you. Often I find myself frustrated and angry crying from online fights, but also
certain bearzone people I'd be pretty sad if they got mad at me haha.
Very nice, love to see it. Your boyfriend makes me laugh though, Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified maybe? His sock system.... and huh, perhaps. Partner chatter...
Uh I have heard of Active Worlds, oh god wtf that's too much programming stuff, oh god that's horrifying. Only bits and pieces, if you wanna talk to me about programming we should do it in smaller messages sometime lol.
I'm not brave but the world needs more low level languages. Retvrn to assembly.
No, I will trip up on grade school arithmetic even. I am never going to do anything hobbyist or creative I will continue reading books.
Nah it's okay I was 99% kidding. I'm not that worried though sleep paralysis sounds like hell.
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totes
i have put multiple phones through the washing machines, spilt so much shit on laptops. omg
classic, i think that qualifies for the programmer meme
yeah i like talking abut myself, people don't generally make me feel comfortable like someone who is willing to go 20 replies deep with me does (it's been really rare to have that experience though, i can't think of another time tbh...)
if you're worried about something, i don't mind if you ask
extremely avoidant of fights of all kinds here
yep
i thought you might say that. i think it's usually one or the other for me
I don't know much about PDD-NOS (but it's possible! I wouldn't be surprised if he was some kind of ND, like maybe ADHD-PI), and the sock thing was an example, like he'll ask a bunch of questions for each question lol and i just have to be like "idk that's what it says." I was confused earlier, he actually scored high on the RBQ-2A, not the RAADS-R. Tired.
maybe someday soon I will know the name. one book at a time and soon i'll have read all the Ash canon...
really? I'm surprised that anyone younger than me knows about it tbh
oh, ok sorry. i probably got a little too excited, programming is my biggest thing lol. the only marketable skill/passion i have haha. maybe i'll hold off @ you and if you have specific questions you can ask any time and i'll try to keep it concise?
fuck, i feel called out by this. this is the biggest reason i can't make anything creative. i force myself just to remake existing things because even if i do have an idea it gets way too big. remaking things is good for building my skills, it's not like i need to care about copyright or anything if it's just for me to get better.
~~i feel that tbh, basic arithmetic requires so much mental energy and it sucks. all the time when i'm at work and some easy math thing comes up, i've always been like 10 seconds behind everyone trying to count (jfc i can't subtract 2 numbers in my head). luckily someone else is usually faster and says the answer out loud, so i can follow at least. i can spend an hour trying to figure out how to write a simple date comparison, and still get it wrong, its bad. i don't know how people actually think i'm good at my job. percentage calculations?? "easy" multiplication? bitwise operators? anything involving a negative sign? i'll fuck it up, it'll go to production, and people will get mischarged. yes, this happened... sigh... i did so bad in math because of it, i also did so bad in english because i couldnt write essays. i have only one skill, no degree in it (flunked out of college, also was transitioning at that time tbf), just work experience and confidence.~~
~~fuck, this kinda made me sad actually, sorry. i don't mean to imply anything about your abilites with this, i'm only just realizing that there's a name for this kind of thing and thinking out loud for myself.~~
idk about this paragraph on retrospect, probably comes across wrong, sorry
oh, you were being figurative, probably, about the sleep paralysis demon... lol
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The E530 is kind of a dogshit thinkpad but
I have three or four thinkpads lol. I do not code however
It is easier here because the average hexbear is miles above the average internet denizen for quality. Decent people here imho, especially the queer ones.
I once spent a whole week writing about a romance novel, that was 6500 words. But generally I get on an "infodump roll" and it all comes cascading out in a day or two lmao. That's how my most sincere writing happens...
Sigh, I approve of Questions Man tbqh. Nice!
Not Rummfitt, her book sucks lmao. One of the worst horror novels I have read.
I mostly heard about it as an inexplicable artifact honestly. I think it's also the only active software using Renderware anymore?
Yeah I dunno, I'll probably never be able to do it, it's whatever. I do appreciate that you wrote so much out though, I did read everything fwiw.
Kind of sucks, at least remaking things is good practice though. And you have ideas even if they get too big, that's something.
Nah I thought it was fine, don't worry. I guess I have some kind of lingering shit around not just reactionary postsecondary institutions but also educational/academic ability generally.
yeag :)
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okay, this is going to be a short reply since i've been blowing your inbox up for 2 (3? how does time?) days now and i'm sure you want to be doing other things too lollol yep, i have a sippy cup water bottle that Partner bought for me, i have dropped it SO MUCH, on SO MANY keyboards lmfao i'm pretty sure i'm a brain transplant. i refuse to have anything with an open top on my desk (coffee mug also has a sealing lid)
thats cool as shit, i dont know individual Thinkpad models but i would 100% read/listen to an infodump on it.
my take on this is that if someone is willing to put up with this much from me, that i should appreciate them and try to fight my own fears of being seen as my real self, push past my mask and try and be as honest as possible. so, thank you (and also i agree, wtf, barely anyone lets me finish omg, or i can tell they're not listening, or they're overwhelmed. bah, text-based communication it is for me)
yeah, agree. i learned not to post back in my 4chan days, and from no one responding to me on Facebook. this place good. i have an absolute cutie in my inbox right now talking to me about Castle of the Winds and it is precious i love it i have to respond
absolutely. i think i got the text done for a post that i'm sure no one will read lol, and while i was working on the boring bits and framing devices slowly over the past few days, i got really emotional about all of it today and wrote something absolutely heart-wrenching (to me), and suddenly the entire post changed from something about a dumb game into something really really deeply personal that i didn't even know i was feeling until I started crying lol. just need to get all the screenshots together which i'll do tonight (gotta move my PC from the living room to the dining room where my non-office desk is on the table lol). ready to receive 2 upvotes and 0 replies! lol. (gotta keep those expectations ankle high so that i'm not disappointed ... or something) (i really hope it doesn't turn out like the Skyrim thread, oh god)
he actually got a whole bunch of dental work done yesterday and he came home a totally different person - he feels alive to me again. i'm not able to talk today so we're chatting over text lol, i didn't realize how much the dental stuff was weighing on him over the past few months (neither did he) poor guy. so nice to have him back
noted. at this point, i'd probably just ask you about a book before i started reading it, we clearly have similar tastes
active? wow! it's still around? i'm not going back, but that's right i remember it having a little scripting language and trying to figure out how to load rwx models into my own games. i couldn't get a bootleg dev kit for renderware or else i would have used it for my AW clone, lol. all of the completely stupid copycat things i'd build had vgmusic .mid s playing in them to to really sell the vibe. and random teleports when you click on things. magical.
thank you for saying that, i hope ... idk which outcome for you, but i hope you can feel good about it no matter the outcome, whether you can or can't, or do or don't, you know? or at least make peace with it? i'm messed up still about some stuff i want to do but can't too, i don't know how to be ok about it. i rant about this further down.
aside, i'm in a meeting right now where people are talking about security & compliance "review" (ie. one guy at the company becoming defacto yet another barrier to actually doing my job) for every line of code and i just want to die, i hate programming lol, i tried to do anything else in college like medicine, psychology... did horribly. i would love to switch careers, maybe become a medical lab tech or the person that takes blood or something.
totally, but the "big ideas" are rare and i usually tear them up anyway because they don't feel authentic, like i'm copying someone else, or assembling things together, or i don't like it the next day. i've given up kinda on being any kind of artist except something like a raccoon, stringing together trash and memes into a slurry (do raccoons do this?), and even that feels unauthentic, like some kind of defense mechanism. idk, i clearly am conflicted about many things haha.
i may not know exactly what you're referring to (other than your previous comment) but i definitely feel a bit of that. the only courses i could do well in were electrical engineering ones in highschool (i liked breadboarding & soldering a lot, it's really just a stim, you place the chips, figure out how to run the wires, cut the wires, put them in the right spots, line everything up nice and neat..., except i was slow and exhausted all the time lol because boolean logic and binary addition is kinda math, isn't it?), or programming related. essays? can't write them (i know right?! i am writing a billion words right now). math? like running a marathon. ask me to read The Road (college literature course required for a degree that i fucking flunked and re-took 3 times and still failed)? can't get past the second chapter, and definitely not with all the other courses. I have a brain made for programming, adventure games, IQ tests (which are fucking stupid ... ugh, I don't have the words to describe them), and queer fiction, but not much else. "gifted" my ass
once, a teacher shouted at me, in front of my parents (who were across the country, so over the phone) for "not trying." i literally didn't even remember this until my mom mentioned it a few weeks ago, i must have disassociated out of the galaxy lol.
uhh, anyway, if you want to share anytime feel free
...shit, i literally cannot write a short post.
oh no!! I didn't mean to put this fear on you. I think it was the surgeries when I was young, something funky broke in my brain from the general anesthetic. That's not more comforting, isn't it... :/
I am working on it a little bit each day. It's gonna have screenshots! It's gonna be badly written! It's probably gonna hit the text limit (well, actually, that depends)
oh, one more thing, there's also some games that will secretly teach you programing... most of the Zachtronics games are like this and usually have little interesting stories too. Safe Partner recommends Human Resource Machine as well but I havent played it.
That being said, sorry I got ahead of myself, I am not sure what your experience level is like, should have asked first.
I'm gonna be snackin and winding down and stuff in a sec so I won't be at the keyboard again till tomorrow, but I'm marking this reply unread 'cause I'm gonna do it (a big silly reply) tomorrow โจ
thank you and no problem <3 have a good night!
Click "Search", by creator ashinadash, sort old!
are you implying that you got less based over time? i dont think that's true
Oh, no I just sorted by Old so the first posts I made about Unjust Depths would come first. My posting is always improving