anxiety/sobriety

Got an incredibly gay lil' idea for a Halloween costume that might be cute but I don't have any event to go wear it to and I'm agoraphobic and like all Halloween parties involve booze for adults and I'm holding on to the metaphorical wagon for dear life

sad

spoiler Very very sad

Very very lonely

spoiler Want to talk so desperately

But cannot be vulnerable

spoiler People hurting hurts me

Im surrounded by hurt people

spoiler Im also a hurt person

I want to be taken care of

spoiler I want to take care of those im close to

I just want to be held

spoiler And told everything is ok.

Even if its just for a night, or even just a few minutes, I want to know that its ok.

spoiler I want to feel loved

I am loved

spoiler I just cant feel it.

I can never feel it.

spoiler I can love.

But no matter how much someone loves me, i can never feel it.

spoiler Im alienated from my self and my feelings of love.

Do i even love anymore?

spoiler or do i just chase ghosts?

I havent had friends last more than a year, maybe two.

spoiler Now im coming up on the time to leave again.

Everyone always leaves me

spoiler So i try to leave first.

I got close to them.

spoiler It was a mistake.

because now i dont want to leave.

spoiler but i have to.

its not safe to be close to people

spoiler its safest alone

but alone is lonely

spoiler i just cant find people who want to hear about my experience of life.

except i can

spoiler i just dont want to be close to them once they care about me

because it isnt safe anymore

spoiler i know its not real,

but everyone leaves

spoiler so i have to leave first.

That way i dont get hurt.

Goodnight

I'm down to talk for about an hour before I go to bed

Length of call: 3 hours, 34 minutes

I can genuinely only talk for about 30 minutes tonight because it's late

Length of call: 1 hour, 32 minutes

(When I pointed out that we're past 30 minutes, she said she doesn't mind staying up a bit longer so we continued talking)

I can talk for about an hour before bed

Length of call: 3 hours, 3 minutes

(This was tonight)

---

I really enjoy talking with her. She makes me feel understood.

I cleaned my computer desk! Only took me 4 hours! Threw away manuals for like the headset I used in 2009 Desk is looking real nice now though

Oh boy, a lot more people are pissed off by the contract offer than I thought there was. We're probably gonna strike

freddy mercury if he was gay

we will cock you

who wants to suck together?

fat- bottomed boys

i think this is a pretty original bit. no one's allowed to steal it

shout out to trans therapists

Found another white hair in my brush

Mission successful. God I'm such a fucking girl

Went to a queer meetup thing and it was so nice not having to talk to cishets for once. Main issue is I still have so much anxiety and after wards I just kept thinking of how akward I was

venting

i wish i lived in anything approaching a civilized society where it would be acceptable to take off at least a couple of years to work on healing trauma rather than having to somehow juggle that with the stress of every day life under capitalism with a brain that has a horrifically low tolerance for stress

less than two weeks till I see my girlfriend :>

I went out yesterday in the most fem stuff I've ever worn out. Went to the park with my wife after dark. Was wearing a n95. For the first time, I wondered if I was actually passing.

I was holding hands with my wife, and another couple walked by, and for the first time ever, my first though was not, "what if they know I'm a guy?" Instead, it was "what if they think we're gay?"

I told my wife, and she said, "oh, I had the same thought, except I was hoping they thought we were gay!"

i aced my blood test! 3 months into hrt and my trough levels are 260 pg/mL for E2 and 30 ng/dL for T! i can def afford to down titrate, my T might be too low at my peak since it’s already rlly low at the trough. but i feel good! diy is so easy, who needs a doctor?

If I could bend reality to my will I would turn every straight piece of RanAka fan art into yuri when I see it.

need trans friends to cuddle

sadly holding a bag of bread in the checkout line

"this isn't what i wanted when i said i wanted to get bred"

New trans mega! Last night I was at a restaurant and I sit down and in the corner of my eye I see this girl. I look over and it's fucking ME!!! I was sitting near a mirror!!!!! I then sat there admiring my hair for helping the corner of my eye to gender me correctly

I held my tongue for so long but every time Julia Serano writes "hormonally female" or "physically male" my soul tries to exit my body. And then she hits me with the WELL TRANS WOMEN'S BRAIN STRUCTURE like wow.

I respect fully that the intent of this book is to analyse the ins and outs of being trans in the gender binary, but when she writes shit like "mtf spectrum" I'm sitting back and wondering if she actually read Gender Outlaw. Maybe the pre-2016 version is a lot less funny, but this cisnormative gendering of certain bodies and hormones is even less funny and I hate it absolutely to death. It feels out of place and eye-rolling in a text otherwise filled with many salient observations about the media's methods of subconsciously signaling the artifice of trans feminine gender, or just how much society both covets and devalues femininity as a whole.

Like how do you write the quote about "the acknowledgement that there are exceptions to every gender rule and stereotype" and then just write about estrogen being female. How cam you be so uncritical of cisnormativity as to use its language when writing all of this?? I mean, the text outright states that testosterone makes a "male" body and estrogen makes a "female" body.

This also makes me realise, if there's a specific piece of theory that lays out the destruction of cisnormativity regarding bodies, hormones, etc I haven't seen it. That one is to me homespun on forums and chatrooms.

Might have less hair on my lip than both my sisters at the moment

drunk cis woman was wildly transphobic to me and my gf in the supermarket:/ not particularly upset by it, but definitely went fight or flight and coming down from that is no fun, end up getting dissociated for a while. they're always with the sidling up and muttering under their breath, like say it with your chest coward. anyway proud of myself cause I chose to just say something dismissive and move us away and she fucked off to go antagonise other people in the supermarket(???). couple years ago I might have escalated to a fight so I'm proud of myself for making what I think was the wise choice, even if a part of me is unsatisfied by avoiding confrontation.

my wife woke up to go pee, so I asked her her favourite taxonomy fact. hers is that ants are either a type of wasp or decended from a wasp like ancestor (thee science is still out on it). and like it's true, you look at an ant vs a wasp and they do look really damn similar, especially flying ants

Saw my favorite transfem artist perform today, and she taught the audience a powerful trick. Whenever you ever get misgendered as “he,” witches cackle HEHEHEHHEHEHE at them.

Kinda sus that pianos have 88 keys

yesterday i threw out my back falling up stairs and today i wrecked my ankle going down stairs

it's clear. this town ain't big enough for the two of us. one of us has to change. some third, appropriate cliche.

god i hurt

Mental health, burnout, family shit

Feeling real today

Lend me gay energy to take care of myself instead of just burning myself out dealing with external problems

I feel like I'm trying so hard to improve myself and do so much for other people to just keep my dysfunctional family afloat and it's never enough and I never feel appreciated for it

It's like no matter what I do and how hard I try to get my shit together, I'm always gonna be treated like a dumb gremlin baby by my family even as they increasingly become incompetent geezers that need my help with simple shit that they're too lazy to do for themselves

It feels like I'm carrying them around in the Flintstones car and if I quit lifting it up and kicking my legs to keep it moving, the wheels are gonna fall off and that's gonna be all my fault according to them and I'll never hear the end of it.

Anyways here's a cute cat pic

I've had enough time to think and process, so I'm writing a message to my past therapist to explain why I think she was exploitive of my trauma and acted with her own agenda instead of validating what I was feeling

It's so hard to write a message like this. I feel like everything needs to be airtight and my feelings need to be absolutely irrefutable, with as little emotion as possible.

Tbh I've wondered if this was just self-indulgent and ultimately achieves nothing other than potentially causing her to rescind her surgery letter. I think I'm willing to take that risk.

After the majority of 2023 dealing with (cw: mistreatment from health professional)

• Being told not to talk or think about phallo for an unspecified period of time (until she felt I really lived with a vagina)
• Using my short term identity/dissociative issues against me (that came from trauma and not being believed by people around me)
• Not even writing down past conversations about doubts leading up to surgery
• Dangling ending our working together whenever I pushed too much for phallo and started to get frustrated that I wasn't allowed to talk about it

I don't want to spend another day worried about the consequences of not making someone happy. I can get another letter if it comes down to it. My current therapist finally brought that up last week and supported me in my decision, so that's good. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of sending this message other than being heard, though maybe that's all I need.

doing hot trans girl mechanic shit

Light brainworm related yapping

I was thinking about the brainworm place and other spaces like it, and I arrived at a thought: the thing where they decry anyone having fun with 'catgirl' stuff as like, "anime cringe" or whatever is born out of A) the same ableist judgemental sludge that causes cringe culture to be a thing, but also B) the usual like, transphobic/transmisogynist motive for any of the other gender/sexuality policing they do where they do not want trans people to do anything but assimilate. These losers have a vested interest in you not enjoying being the pretty kitty.

Think about it...

sovereign citizens are the result of a communist conspiracy to engineer the people most perfectly equipped to annoy cops

drought's over, shit's flooding @[email protected] & i were in full crisis mode for a moment there

pls send any & all energies you can spare

e : for context this is a 300yo stone house

Man I wish I could have known the public universal friend. Absolute ledg

Idk if I'll fully drop he/him or reverse it to secondary yet but feeling out they/them is good. Man been feeling too heavy while guy is light. I can't fully explain it yet need to sleep on it and ponder

wife and I made vegan sushi and onigiri. they're really good! (I say we, she did most the work)

"so you're a lady, huh?"

-"actually i routinely rip farts so loud it scares our cats"

@[email protected]

venting anxieties about sibiling's potential dysphoria

To set some background, my sibiling came out as non-binary a couple of years ago. They were 8 at the time. To this day, that is still how they feel. However, things have been changing for them recently, and while I've had thougts before, I've become increasingly concerned since I started my own transition. I think that they're feeling dysphoria, and I'm going to try having a serious conversation with them about how they feel towards growing up on T. They've already told me they're afraid of, and don't like looking in mirrors, and they still mostly look like a kid. They have started growing more body hair, and a small amount of facial hair, and I think that may be getting to them. They've told me they don't want that. I'm sorry I'm rambling, but I'm worried they're going to go through a puberty they don't want to go through, and they're not going to realize they can so something about it until they're older (like me).

I've brought up puberty blockers with my parents, but despite how good they are with most things, they seem to be against doing that. I intend to bring up HRT with my sibiling, but considering they might not know what they want for themselves, I don't want to seem pushy, nor do I want to get them on something they won't like.

Sorry, but I really had to vent. I don't even know how this relates to any of you, or myself, at all, but I needed to voice my concerns to somebody without getting into an argument about someone else's body.

i'm eating notifications and they are delicious