wow for a solid ten seconds did not realize this was onion. I guess this will become more and more frequent over the next four years.
this post was submitted on 28 Nov 2024
746 points (99.1% liked)
The Onion
4598 readers
986 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
I've wanted this for years. I hope he sees this article and decides to do it.
100% serious here: I have had mate de coca, or tea made from the coca leaf. There used to be a place that would ship it to the U.S. without asking questions, but it doesn't exist anymore. It basically takes a field's worth of coca to make an ounce of cocaine, so this is a tiny fraction of the strength of cocaine. It tasted pretty awful- like damp straw smells- but with enough sweetener, it was acceptable.
It makes you much more awake and alert than coffee with no jittery feeling and it's totally gone after maybe 4 hours. You can have mate de coca when you get up, do a few hours' worth of work and then take a nap and sleep like you'd never had anything to stimulate you. It's pretty damn amazing and it's stupid that it's illegal.
I'm guessing they have ways to do things in South America about the taste.
Edit: Also, I was telling this to my wife's cousin, who is also my GP, and he was telling me that he would get it when he went down to do charity work in El Salvador all the time and agreed it should be totally legal in the U.S. He's a cool guy.
It's amazing for altitude sickness. When I was in Bolivia, I basically lived off coca tea.
Dude coca tea tastes so good. I drank it all the time when I was in Bolivia. It has nowhere near the stimulating effect like coffee. To get that, you have to chew it with some ash, lijta, to get the chemicals.
Well all I can say was that was my experience with what I used to have. Tasted awful, more powerful than coffee, no jitteriness.
The fact that I read this headline and my first through wasn't doubt in any capacity is insane. Satire is now lamer than reality, jesus christ...
The reason that is that fiction has to be coherent. It has to make sense.
Reality is under no such constraint.
Ngl i wish this was real lol
Holy shit I was almost excited there might be one thing to make the coming cycle less shitty until I saw the community
Here's one that's real: he's promised to ban high-fructose corn syrup, which is banned in most other developed countries. It should have been banned in the US decades ago.
He might be a wakadoodle, but he might still get a few things right by accident
This implies the US is a developed country.
I mean, it is by most definitions that I'm aware of. It might be run by fascists, oligarchs, and ultracapitalists, but it's definitely developed.
I'm not sure what standard you are applying that would place it in a "developing" or other category.
I don't think your corn growers would be very happy with that.
I don’t think your corn growers would be very happy with that.
Whatever, they'll still vote Republican.
Fuck 'em. They'll survive on their many subsidies.
Once they raise the global temperatures enough all of the Iowa corn farmers can just farm rice and sugar cane along the Iowa coastline.
I propose we lower Texas enough to flood the Great Plains and revive the Ordovician Sea.
Or those of the pecan pie persuasion.
Use golden syrup, sorghum or honey?
Admission: I can’t stand pecan pie because of it’s hyper-sweetness. Maybe less corn soup would help?
I think the problem is pecan pie's entire existence depending on something terrible lol
Yea, except somehow we'll end up with something worse replacing it.
High fructose fentanyl syrup
No no, Trump's tariffs on China are payback for not watching entanyl exportr. Just a stream of consciousness.
Hell try and then we'll be reading a news story about how his brain worms finally kennedy'd him the next hour after the attempt. HFCS and the multitude of corporations producing and using it aren't some pushover industry like oil and natural gas, they have actual power.
There's a reason corn is in everything processed in the US.
How tf is the oil and natural gas industry a pushover? They're literally destroying the earth and getting away with it.
All the pro-small-government people I know (the ones wanting less oversight on guns) are excited for this ban and don't see the irony that they're really only small-government in the topics they want, big-government in others they decided are bad (hfcs, some red dye, banning men from women's bathrooms). We all want government protections, turns out.
Yeah, and to be clear, I'm not thrilled about him being in charge of health, but if that's gonna be one of his things that he gets right, I would be stupid not to take what little solace I can get.
I don't think Canada has it banned either lol
Just gotta elect a guy with a brain worm, I guess...?
Nah, we kinda just follow the US.
load more comments
(1 replies)
I think the best we can hope for is that Trump seems unlikely to fuck with state laws regarding marijuana. That’s fine with me.
That’s not to say I wouldn’t try the Coke, though.
I’d def try coke-aine
Given that RFK jr was a heroin addict for decades, I was once again fooled by this and I thought it was real.
Satire has been dead for years anyway.
the onion actually doesn't do satire any longer.
they do prophesy now.
One can dream...
I do wish this were prophecy
Official lathe handlers
Yeah he was on record last week saying it improved his grades as a student lol
I actually can't tell what's a parody any more
Yeah I thought this was real news at first.
Going to guess the dea is gonna be defanged for that little escapade
He might try but Don Jr will be snorting it faster than the factory could add it.
And no one in the mainstream media will care.
I'm in
Damn, they almost got me lol
Damn, just after it gets added to the BDS list.
Could shoplift it just to try
Coke in a can: mid Coke in a bottle: okay Coke in a bag: LET'S FUCKING GO
NOOOOO ITS FAKE, FUCK
spoiler
(I don't like coke or cocaine just thought it would be funny to say)
view more: next ›