SORTIR DU PLACARD

Bonuses from the thought:

-1 Authority: Exposed

-1 Composure: Volatile

+1 Pain Threshold: Been through worse

+1 Psyche: All pieces in place

You once suggested going "as a girl" for Halloween and didn't understand why your father was so angry at the idea. Once you hit puberty, you began stuffing your shirt in secret to see what you would look like if you had breasts. You've penned an inordinate amount of terrible lesbian fanfiction, and always wondered why you never felt excluded when your fellow authors complained about men invading their women-only space. Your life could have been a lot easier if you'd realized this earlier — but it would have been far worse to never realize at all.

A significant portion of people I was attracted to turned out to be lesbians and I was quite jealous of lesbians because they seemed to have gotten all the interesting girls.

Also even the thought of sex felt very uncomfortable because I would have to be the one filling the male role that I saw as quite discusting.

I was also quite heavily avoiding looking at myself in a mirror. If I accidentally happened to see myself trough a mirror I would be instantly filled with very strong negative feelings that I incorrectly attributed to wrong sources.

i remember one time little kid me asked my teacher if she could hook me up with some estrogen after she explained what it did to the body in sex ed. she laughed like it was a joke but i was dead serious

also a wild thing that happened to me is having a save for a game with my CURRENT NAME on it from like 2001 that i found recently. huge brainfuck because i didnt know i was trans at the time and i def didnt have a name decided on

Telling ny older sister to buy me a skirt because I want to wear one around the house

Ignore my annoying ramblings, I'll delete it soon anyways.

I knew I was upfront really early (having DID makes it hard to ignore these things or you'll wake up with it carved into your arm), but my trans hating mom STILL has so many pics of kid me (like 3-4) constantly crossdressing scattered all over her bedroom. Apparently I wanted to be a girl teenage mutant ninja turtle lol

Earliest I remember of me acting atypically was me constantly crushing on anime boys., especially the gundam wing guys omg especially Trowa. Like I'd endlessly talk about it and having elaborate weddings (weddings are stupid, child me was stupid). I was also constantly messing around with other dudes and getting caught

I did the same when I was emo in middle and high school but all the boys then were like "that smart fox is just kissing boys and being bi to get the girls!" Like hanging around emo girls all the time did get me the girls but like if they thought it was so effective they should've kissed me too

I heard somebody call out a name and I thought "wow, Alexandra, that's a pretty name, if I ever get the chance to name a girl I should call her that." And then I did get the chance!

Attempting to make a proper response because I do wanna participate properly. Out of a mountain of moments, I can think of two glaring moments that are jaw-dropping obvious to me in retrospect:

High school me: "Without any pre-existing idea of what it meant to be trans, I wrote a short story that included a magical being who started existence as a woman, fragmented herself to have a male side, which I don't remember exactly why she had to but it was for protection from some other god. So throughout the story this being had warring male and female aspects and eventually the female aspect grew so powerful that she subsumed the male side entirely and she was made whole again."

Also high school me: "Wow I'm so creative. I pulled that idea out of absolutely nowhere and had zero subconscious input on any of my creative ideas. And I love the character so much that I'm going to use her name as my profile name in online spaces. Just because I like the name a lot, no other reason. Anyway time to needlessly suffer with unidentified dysphoria for well over a decade"

The other is the time I was group pressured into trying on a dress in middle school and I didn't care about wearing the dress as much as it was too small and not fitted for me and looked awful. I had to pretend I had an upset stomach so I could hide in the bathroom with the fan on and quietly sob over the thought that I would never be beautiful. You know, typical cis problems.

read a thing about how you'd turn into a girl magically if you kissed your elbow and spending hours and hours trying to manage it when i was like 7

read a bunch of webcomics (el goonish shive and rain and the like) and fanfiction about getting stuck as a girl and getting really fixated on any gender bender or rule 63 stuff i could find

getting really grumpy about my singing voice dropping when i was like 14 and not knowing why so blaming it on the songs i liked being in a weird range that made belting a pain