A horse walks into the bar.
The bartender says "what is this, a set up to a joke?"
The horse goes neigh
this post was submitted on 02 Dec 2024
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because even a chicken knows jaywalking shouldn't be a crime.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
This joke made me more ill
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
Bad-um-tish!
How does an elephant ask for more bins?
(extends arm from nose and waggles it like a trunk) "Can I have some more buns please?"
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man in a paper suit?
Russell.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a woman with shingles on her head?
Ruth.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?
Claude.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a woman with a tennis racket on her head?
Annette.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
Warren.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man who can't stand?
Neil.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man who can't swim?
Bob.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a woman with a sunlamp on her head?
Tanya.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head?
An ambulance, you monster.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
spoiler
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
Why can't you run past a campground?
spoiler
You can only ran because it's past tents
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
spoiler
An algae-bra
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The neutron asks how much. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
In days of old,
when knights were bold,
and toilet paper wasn't invented,
you'd wipe your ass
with a blade of grass
and walk away contented.
This one's more of a practical joke. The person telling it uses a paper napkin as a prop.
"So you're out on a hike and you have to take a shit. All you've got to wipe with is one napkin (pull out the napkin). How do you do it?"
Let the listener mull over the dillema for a little bit, then demonstrate.
You fold the napkin in half twice, and then rip off the corner. "Hold on to this, its very important. Do. not. lose this." Then you unfold the napkin, stick your middle finger through the middle-finger sized hole, and just fucking scoop that whole shit out in one motion. Then you grab the napkin around the underside and carefully pull it off the finger, twisting back and forth, wiping the finger clean as you pull it off.
Give the listener the chance to ask, "well what do you do with the corner?" but don't wait too long. Pull it out, and use it to clean out under your fingernail.
10 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Ron Jobs, and Kevin Bacon. Now we have no Hope, no Jobs, and no Cash. PLease don't let Kevin Bacon die!!!!!!!
Why does Earth only have one moon?
Because our planet is moonogamous.
Why didn't the sun go to university? Because it already had a million degrees.
Why didn’t the lifeguard at the beach save the hippy from drowning?
Cause he was too far out maaaan
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says "damn it sure is hot in here"
The other says "oh my god a talking muffin!"
Yo mammas so short she models for trophies
Yo mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Hi sick may I request your absolute worst joke, I'm TheLepidopterists.
What’s the difference between a Marxist-Socialist and a Keynesian economist?
Several things, including but not limited to the following: The Marxist-Socialist believes that workers should own the means of production, whereas Keynesians support the private ownership over the means of production. Marxist-Socialists believe that centralized government would ultimately wither away after a revolution, whereas Keynesians advocate greater government action to ensure full societal employment. Finally, a Marxist-Socialist would not be invited to a party that a Keynesian was throwing at work because the Keynesian knows that the Marxist-Socialist would throw a stink about the way the cubicles in the Keynesian’s office were arranged.
What did one Marxist-Leninist say to another?
Beanis cum piss shid fard beanis
Many such cases
Giraffe walks into a bar
Bartender says, "You want a longneck?"
Giraffe says, "I have a choice?"
Grasshopper hops into a bar
Bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "What, you've got a drink called Steve?"
not really a joke but for some reason i thick it'd be really funny to make a sauce called "Christ, king of the jus"
What does a marxist and an anarchist have in common?
They're in the same polycule
A sad looking man walks into the bar and the bartender asks "what you 'avin" and the man replies "pint of camden hells please"
What do witches study in college?
Broad-casting
My dog doesn't have a nose. How does he smell?
spoiler
AWFUL
This animal joke brought to you by the people that steal bad jokes from reddit gang.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Incase he got a hole in one
Smash that like button for more patriot funnies!
3 men walk into a bar and the bartender says... Nothing cos the bartender was replaced with a IOT beer despenser running windows 98 powered by an AI model that cost 3 bazingillion dollars to train and burnt half the planet to ashes and it still can't despense beer
Can't stop thinking about kingsfield