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Did your deadname ever feel like yours? (hexbear.net)

submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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One of the fun parts about being trans is now there's this name that the government and most strangers recognize me as that I and my close friends don't, but every time I think about the fact that I have a deadname now, I keep getting struck by this strange feeling that my deadname never felt like mine, even through years of me actively using it as my name. I remember trying to change it was I was about 17 but I never did because I only tried to think of masc names. For as long as I can remember, I could never look at my deadname and feel like it was mine. I didn't like it and it felt strange to even associate that name with me; I only ever did because the only alternative I could think of was just not having a name, which would have been a massive inconvenience. I never even really thought it was a bad name, I just hated it for me

Did anyone else ever feel like this or am I just crazy?

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

i didnt really start hating it until i started going by my chosen name. which checks out compared to how ive felt about a ton of other gender things. like i didnt rly realize how much i hated my body hair until it was gone, or my voice until i realized that id subconsciously changed it to be more feminine. basically i just masked so hard that i forgot i was masking. i also have cptsd so that probably contributed to it

[–] [email protected] 7 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

Same, I didn't realize I had gender dysphoria essentially, until I got a taste of gender euphoria. Now, the dysphoria more clearly is disassociation. When I'm in boy mode, euphoric moments can feel like they happened to someone else. Like they're someone else's memories.

Disassociation.

And I have CPTSD as well. So maybe there's a correlation there.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Now, the dysphoria more clearly is disassociation

god, it took me so long to realize this. in my case i think the neglect i went through growing up caused me to dissociate from anything that was uncomfortable, which is why it's so hard for me to actually feel my dysphoria and why i didnt know in the same way that it feels like other trans people knew. so there's definitely a correlation for me