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Did your deadname ever feel like yours? (hexbear.net)

submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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One of the fun parts about being trans is now there's this name that the government and most strangers recognize me as that I and my close friends don't, but every time I think about the fact that I have a deadname now, I keep getting struck by this strange feeling that my deadname never felt like mine, even through years of me actively using it as my name. I remember trying to change it was I was about 17 but I never did because I only tried to think of masc names. For as long as I can remember, I could never look at my deadname and feel like it was mine. I didn't like it and it felt strange to even associate that name with me; I only ever did because the only alternative I could think of was just not having a name, which would have been a massive inconvenience. I never even really thought it was a bad name, I just hated it for me

Did anyone else ever feel like this or am I just crazy?

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago

It's complicated.

Yes, it did, but also no, because he was a character I played. He was an amalgamation of trying to do it "right", and there's nothing else I would call that time but by that name. It was me.

But in coming out, I've realized that feeling. Of having lived my entire life on a stage, never getting to go behind the curtain and take the costume off, until now. How much I repressed interests, made myself love people I never really did(including myself), until I really got to know myself.

Now, it feels weird to call the pre-out days by my real name, but also like nails on a chalkboard to talk about myself by my deadname. It was mine, up until the point that I got to wake up.