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how can one be silly without being embarassed or fearing judgement? masc upbringing broke this side of me
Start small and work your way up. When's the last time you skipped? I bet you can't skip without smiling.
What do you mean by 'skipped' in this case? Sorry English isn't my first language ๐
Like not running, or walking, but skipping.
Ahhh okay got it now., thank you; I actually used to do that when I was younger but got told off, I think. Also getting told you cant laugh in public led me to lose my ability to laugh out loud pretty much.
mood frfr, i used to blush really easily but i was constantly bullied for it so now people think that i'm just emotionless humorless stoic
I think I just blushed once in my life lol I'm always thinking I'll get judged for displaying anything other than a smile at most and being stern, fucking sucks, I self police so much
Embrace the silly! We're here for a short time and gone for a long long time. Have fun and don't take anything seriously.
My inner self is an absolute control freak cause that's my broken self defense mechanism, apparently, which has this effect on my personality too
I mostly laugh a lot but it's the anxious laugh and its quiet. I derive my 'value' subconsciously from how good I do things/how 'productive' I am so I tend to take serious a lot of things that shouldn't to be honest
I completely understand. It may not be worth much coming from a stranger on the internet, but you're valuable just because you're you! You're as important and deserving of happiness as anyone else on this rock in space just because you're here. Deprogramming the toxic nonsense that we internalize in our youth is a process, it's going to take time. Try your best to have fun whenever you can and it will get easier.
My ass is going to therapy just so I can be told I'm valuable and not be a selfhating fuck with myself all the time lmao
Thank you, means a lot, my gut reaction is that I expect people to be aggressive towards me for no reason in particular, maybe broken defence mechanism idk
Speaking of fun, I have such weird conceptions about it. I grew up in a very uhh 'stoic' environment where I internalized the idead that fun is for 'weak' people and 'you dont want to be weak do you?' so as a teenager I went on rants about combating hedonism in the world lol. Cant say now I have a better relationship with fun, I still default to "it's not for me, I find other things fun than most" I'm confused about it tbh but oh well
thanks a lot tho:3
What do you like to do? Everyone's idea of fun is different.
"Intellectual" shit, history philosophy politics economics etc thats when I feel good and I'm enjoying myself tbh; maybe creative writing but I have permanent writers block, I know marxist theory isnt exactly recreational but whatever
and computers but kinda lost my passion for that prob depression
Hmmm, ok. It may help to find a local group that shares those interests. A reading group or something 'puter related. Just to be around people with common interests in a low stakes environment where you can cut loose a little bit and get more comfortable just being yourself.
Ah I'm in a nazi shithole sadly not that many opportunities for that tbf, I dont really know to relax I'm always on edge and have intrusive thoughts about being attacked or etc, my 'relaxing' activities are just more politics. I do enjoy reading fiction but I'm generally compulsive and tend to overdo it
Yeah, pretty much everywhere is a nazi shithole at this point.
I want to move out eventually, but yea not like other places are that much better. I heard Ireland isnt as fash as the rest of Ewwrope, but still completely destroyed by multinationals and govt is lib. Eventually China would be goals or maybe Cuba but seems unlikely in my case for now. We havent even had pro Palestine protests because no one gives a shit even if we fund isntreal a lot, political situation is dire.
Yeah, I'm in Amerikkka. We're pretty cooked over here. I'm just biding my time waiting for things to boil over and pop off so I can go guerilla.
Solidarity. Just depressing environment. Can't even touch grass here cause concrete hell made by cheap credit speculators.
sorry to jump in here but specifically i'm doing parts therapy and it seems to really be helping with things like this. the theory goes that inside everyone is a system made up of multiple parts (the film Inside Out is about this), and they, due to trauma and probably other things, can get "stuck" as a young age, or get stifled by other parts, etc. This "stuck"-ness leads to all manner of issues with emotional expression etc.
to resolve it, you basically externalize bits of yourself that are not calm/collected/curious/etc. (which Cool Therapist calls the "core energy"), give them names, and interrogate them. add a touch of radical self-acceptance "it's ok that you're feeling this way" and ask them what it would take to let go of the white-knuckle grip they have on your psyche, basically. It's corny as heck, but ... it actually kinda slaps, ngl. I've made so much progress in a few months with myself in understanding where I was stuck, and why I'm feeling certain ways, and being able to really understand some of the contradictions in myself.
i hope that you would consider trying some of this, even if it seems cringe at first. good luck!
I have heard of family parts system therapy! That sounds interesting, might give me the impulse to try it, thanks!! I do lock up easily when trying to see wtf I feel
This isn't being silly - but I literally didn't cry after turning 6, ever. I took that lesson to heart.
And then I started taking E, and it just came and it was embarrassing but now I cry. In private, in public, while I'm talking about something sad, when I watch a video of an abandoned puppy getting adopted and healthy.
At first, the tears came and I literally did not know how to deal with it (it had been over 20 years since I'd cried at that point). But my doctor pointed out - women cry in public, and that helped me to just go with the flow and let myself cry and feel sad.
Now, being silly isn't as much a physiological reaction to a mental state as crying is - but it's something that you could just start doing, embrace that it makes you feel weird and embarrassed, realize that this is something you want and that other femmes do, and go from there. Eventually you won't feel embarrassed, but you will have to cross this horizon/climb this proverbial mountain of inner judgement and feel the embarrassment at first.
I have heard about this being one of the effects of E, which does sound good being emotionally open, although I don't want to treat E like some kind of pancea cause I assume it's my personal experiences too that effect me and not only hormones
I guess I can fake it till I make it, just feels 'weird' to display any kind of emotion. Especially as I dont like my environment and I dont feel safe enough to do that so a cold approach is 'better'
Do you have a safe space in private where you can just be yourself?
Not really. At most with my partner but dire conditions here in nazi land lmao everyones a shitlib or fash leaning and its ergh
Sorry to hear that. Hopefully you can open up a little more with your partner but I understand there's a safety risk to you.
Thanku comrade, I try to but not many chances tbh, maybe soon will be better, I hope
Wait is being silly a femme thing?
I don't think so but rainn seems to find it gender affirming, so
Ohhhhhhhh I see
start small. if there's no one around rn you should make a weird noise with your mouth. experiment a bit and find a sound you've never made before
I have never thought of that. I'm stuck in my head too much entertaining shitty thought patterns, hm thanks
For me I never learned to mask, I also never tried to fit a cis role (my issues came out of people trying to put me in a role) I have no shame and I don't care what other people think.
This can vary I guess depending on why you can't be silly. I think anyone can be you need to let go of reservations and not give a fuck even if you fall flat on your face. That's the hard part.
Find what makes you laugh and do it more, do that with other people if you can. Make someone smile, try to do that more often. Put shaving foam on a paper plate and slam yourself in the face with it... do whatever can get a giggle or lift someones spirits. Go out of your way to make someone laugh.
I'm a veeryy big control freak so letting go is.. very scary to say the least. Uplifting comment though tyvm, I have saved it
I do mask a lot due to my environment and its so annoying cause you become your masks at one point and leads to a bunch of identity crises
I understand. I went through a bad childhood and never had any friends to learn to mask from. I never learned to use a mask to protect myself even. I spent most early days in school away on my own but id be the weirdo people didn't want to play with either.
So when I went to high school I became a huge target because of how I looked, I would have the bullies on my back and go home and get more shit there. I had years of this. I had my nose broken by them and I got jumped for looking queer. For every day I put up with that shit I kept my personality and wouldn't have anyone drive it out of me. Through everything I've been through its been my constant despute my hardships.
I know you have your personality too as much as you've had to mask it, just don't let the bastards grind you down. Do somethibg silly for your partner no matter how small I'm sure it will get easier in time. I hope this helps somewhat.
I appreciate the input comrade
On my side I guess I learned to mask too much and learn to 'have a personality' and tried to always bond with others by having a lot of knowledge so I can adapt to anyone lol but I never enjoyed my circles cause everyone was fash or just way into cishet and yuck, I do have impostor syndrome because of masking so I'm not doing wel in this regard, I'm there skmewhere down but emotional supression doesnt help
Simply be autistic and never learn to mask
lol one thing i've started to notice lately is that it seems certain environments cause me to be unable to mask, i had a friend over briefly yesterday and i was being my chill Totally Not ND self (although she knows about my suspected autism anyway) and at one point I just stopped being able to mask, simultaneously freeing and embarassing
tbh all the silly memes and in jokes here have made me less reserved about this kind of thing, since I was bullied a lot for trying to make people laugh when I was younger.
It helps if people around me are silly or talk in memes, since it makes me feel at home. Finding out who "my people" were in an ND sense also was a big part of it and reframing all the times I got called "annoying" in healthier ways is part of that.
Guess always being told to be 'mature' had an impact since I was young
Yeah I dont really know ND people irl so that's tough
Glad you got over that