Holy shit this became a stream-of-consciousness jumbled collection of nothingness

Genuinely, the most basic shit that I never really had problems with— the slightest details regarding my responses when someone texts me, the barely noticeable aspects about myself in public, whether I’m saying too much/too little, whether I’m responding appropriately, etc. So as a result, I choose to stay within my comfort zone as much as possible because anything else is mentally destructive. But then that doesn’t work because I get my energy from talking with other people who are similar to me :/ (Shared this shit with my therapist and he asked me if I have considered autism which of course I have)

Idk I think it started to get bad when I started to go out into the world again when society at large decided there was no longer a pandemic (there is btw). I decided to go out into the world as a young adult having had very little of a social life in college and experienced rejection after rejection, be it romantic or when trying to make friends. So maybe I never really learned to process those emotions appropriately.

Maybe all of this will be solved when I can learn to stop being a pushover/people pleaser. Or maybe I just suck at communicating and/or am utter shit at kindling friendships/potential relationships who knows

One example that sticks out in my mind- I have a friend who I occasionally hang out with (not a very close one I’d say). But I will ask them if they want to grab a beer once in awhile, they’ll oblige and I’ll ask them what time works best for them. Idk if this is the middle school/teenage part of me, but I refuse to follow-up with people (double text) because I don’t want to be a burden. But then this friend will respond weeks later and profusely apologize for not responding. But like I could’ve prevented that by just following up with them, I don’t know what it is in me that refuses to do so though but I just cannot.

I've identified "do X regularly" as a useful behavior. That can get bucketed into two things.

Habits

By "habit" I mean a subconscious or automatic response to stimuli, built by just doing the thing over and over.

Every Sunday evening I take a B12 supplement. It's just something I remember to do; it may be part of my bedtime ritual that's consciously modulated depending on the day. I have the usual strong habits that I don't even think about: brush teeth before bed, look both ways before crossing the street, etc. They don't require any effort to maintain, they get done even when I'm drunk, etc.

Routines

When I used Habitica, one of my weekly and then monthly tasks was to practice the NATO alphabet. Now I have it memorized and occasional real-life use is enough to maintain it. Did the same for my old credit card number. These weren't habits; I needed the app to remind me and didn't do it on my own. But I did actually follow through enough to succeed.

I'm going to use "routine" for a conscious, regular action. My body doesn't know the 29th of the month from any other day, but that's when I'm supposed to pay rent.

Looking back at the regular actions I've tried to take, most of the failures have been routines. The "failed" habits in my list are both things I kept up for a year or so, and then quit doing because I just didn't really want to do them anymore. Furthermore, it seems like the way that habits work is pretty well understood. So to be regularly doing things, I want to turn them into habits.

I would like to follow a better schedule: eat meals at a certain time, do certain things before and after work, etc. If I can express these as stimulus-response habits I think they're doable. But some of them are abstract. There's two groups of these in my list:

• the "memorization task" type. These don't have any obvious stimulus, and they have expected end dates before habit formation will set in. I've used Mnemosyne and a reminder but kept adding too much shit to it and making practice sessions unpleasantly hard. Ex:
  • Practice the Major System weekly/monthly until memorized
  • Practice street names/address numbers weekly/monthly until memorized
  • Practice interval ear training until I get good
• the "abstract task" type. I have a biweekly to-do list (pulling from about a hundred to-dos in the backlog) and I'd like to tackle one every day. The actual tasks vary from sitting at my computer to running errands. They also don't have any obvious stimulus. In general they're more important than the memorization tasks.

I think the way to routine formation could be making them into habits by

• coming up with cues for the abstract triggers, like an alarm or smart light
• coming up with shared actions to begin the abstract tasks, like getting up to start a timer or something

I still have some learning to do, like whether positive reinforcement helps speed habit formation (can I psych myself into not hitting snooze via ice cream treat?), and then to apply this framework to a specific desired routine. I think tomorrow I'll come up with a trial candidate.

I'm interested to hear what you folks use for habit and routine formation, and any suggested readings you might have.

I apologize if this is too broad/doomer-y for this comm, but I feel like I need to post it somewhere other than a general megathread where it gets buried.

So to keep it brief, over the past year I feel like I've crossed an event horizon. What I mean is that, like the event horizon of a black hole, I've reached a point where I'm being dragged toward oblivion with no hope of escape. I've been chronically depressed for much of my life, but never to this extent where I've had genuinely episodes of what I guess you could call derealization? I feel like I'm watching a movie of my life. There are moments where I feel lightheaded and like nothing around me is real. It almost alternates between this pseudo-Buddhist detachment and terrifying existential dread about some true nature of existence or whatever.

For a while, I could keep the negativity at bay with exercise or hobbies or whatever. I was actually sort of content for a while in 2022. But during this past year, nothing, and I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G helps. Going for a walk? Still feel miserable. Drawing? I just cannot draw anything. Exercise? Bored and tired the whole time. Games? Boring. Reading? Pointless. Hang out with friends? Boring, and they probably all hate me anyway. I constantly have this nagging feeling that I should be doing Something Else...but I have absolutely no idea what could possibly satisfy this need. Because nothing feels remotely good anymore. I cannot really convey through words just how maddeningly frustrating this is for me.

I also fucking despise my job, and I think it's a big reason for all this. It's a dumb supervisor job at a grocery store department, so it's not like it's actually hard, but it's so exhausting. Like needlessly so. I'm tired of waking up at 4AM everyday to get there at 5. I hate most of my coworkers. I loathe our customers. But it's full time and got decent enough benefits (which I really need to keep) so I'm apprehensive about finding anything else. I've thought about going back to school (I have a general studies associate's, as I had originally planned to transfer elsewhere before covid happened and derailed everything), but I have no clue what to do.

So long story short, I'm just burned the fuck out from everything in my life (there's other stuff too, but this post is long enough). And it's at the point where I don't even know where to start to fix things, because all the usual tricks don't seem to work anymore. I almost want to pull a Bilbo Baggins and just ghost everyone and go far away.

TLDR: Please give me advice on increasing willpower while having autism/ADHD/depression/PTSD. I would very much appreciate hearing perspectives from people who also have these conditions. What have you found success with? What didn't work for you?

Hey HexBearians. Im looking for some advice on improving my living conditions and working on myself.

I have autism, inattentive type ADHD, and PTSD from long term childhood abuse. Depression too.

I'm seeing a therapist once a month but it's not really enough. He's good at working with trauma and some depression stuff but autism and ADHD aren't his forte.

I am really struggling lately with getting anything done. My performance at work is through the floor. For right now my job is secure but if I can't get it together soon I'll probably get fired. My apartment is a disaster and I'm ashamed to have anyone over because of it. I have abandoned all my hobbies out of lack of willpower. I don't go out much except for work and the store. I met some new people through my friend last month and when I got the question "what do you like to do?" I became paralyzed and didn't know how to respond. I realized that I don't even know what I like to do. Most days I wake up from a nightmare then scroll on my phone up until the exact second that I could feasibly get ready and make it to work in time. I do the bare minimum to make myself not look feral and then head to work. I either uselessly daydream or fall into a bad thoughts spiral all day and get very little done. After work I come home and scroll on my phone for until I'm too tired and have to sleep.

I don't clean. I usually cook a ton of food once a week and just eat that each day. I don't really do anything. I wasn't always this way.

My main issue seems to be a lack of willpower. It's not that I don't want to do anything or improve my life but I somehow just can't find the ability to. Part of my mind is constantly pleading with me to do things but the other part ignores it, or if I do start to do something then it starts pleading with me to stop.

I used to hate myself but my therapist has helped me to see that I don't have to. He showed me that those thoughts weren't organically coming from within me but instead had been planted and fed by my awful parents. Once I learned to identify which thoughts were "mine" and which were "theirs" it became a lot easier to dismiss that kind of negativity and even learn to like myself. All that is to say that I KNOW I have the ability to grow and improve. I have proof of it and I'm grateful that I no longer longingly think about dying constantly or hit myself or belittle myself for not living up to unrealistic expectations. I realized that I would have no desire to hate and be cruel to someone else who was in my type of situation, so why the hell would I do that to myself?

Sorry, went on a bit of a ramble.

I have the want to change, I have the need to change. I have the physical means to change. But I don't have the mental means for it right now. So, people with any of the conditions I mentioned, what have you done that improved that part of your life? What didn't work out for you? What kind of insight could you give?

Thank you all very much :)

Now that I’ve caught you with the clickbait title,

Basically every post has included some form of toxic self-hate, minus one or two mentioning exercise. While I do like being able to confront these in the first place, the purported goals and name of this community gives people who are giving the exact wrong advice far too much credibility, and the last thing these people need is a comment with the most upbears regurgitating individualistic self-help concepts at them.

If we’re going to keep this sort of community around, I suggest doing some serious research and basing it off of DBT, and integrating serious critiques of CBT style mental healthcare and improvement.

I am just some random nerd who is terrible at self-improvement at general, so I understand taking this with some serious doubt. But I just had to get this off my chest.

Thank you, WithoutFurtherBelay

I have a lot of anxiety over going to the gym. I know logically it doesnt make any sense and it's something I need to get over but that's a huge barrier for preventing me from getting more active. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong and then consequentially looking really stupid somehow, or some asshole will make a gym tiktok and i'll be in it or something. again, i know this is illogical, but it's just how i always end up feeling when i work out at a gym. not to mention, even when i do work out there, i have no idea what the hell i'm doing. I know i should have a notebook and a specific routine, but how do I make a routine? should i focus on individual muscles daily, or do several in a day? what do i do if i don't feel like i need a rest period in between excersises, but if i add more weight or reps, i can't complete it? how do i find a middle ground with that? any advice would help me so much, so if you'd like to add your two cents i would be thankful. happy new year, comrades. tia

I’ve been depressed since about the age of 13. I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed; it took me years to get back on food stamps just because on some level eating isn’t important to me.

So right now the only thing that really motivates me to go to fucking rehab and turn my life around and not die, is a friend I love but who won’t talk to me.

I think if I get sober (or at least become a functioning addict, like they are) and go to therapy and stop being obsessed with them and shit, they might talk to me again. They’re used to being disappointed by people, and my drug use seems like a reason they don’t trust me (and it was a contributing factor to me pushing them away).

And for a while I was getting my life back together, until I kind of got the rug pulled out from under me.

Everyone tells me I’m just obsessed and that I should move on and I know it looks a lot like I’m twackin’ out. But I love them, and they really are different. I don’t even give a shit about dating them ( I’ve never dated anyone). I can’t just move on or make other friends because I don’t fucking like people. There’s a reason I never really even had a close friend.

It’s not even just a matter of “winning them back.” I don’t want to be another disappointment in their life.

But anyways…

Why the fuck does everyone have to rain on my parade?

Even if they still won’t talk to me after I’ve gotten sober and shit and then fucking relapse, that’s way fucking better that sitting here in my shack made out of a folding table and pallets, hitting my meth bong and snorting Ritalin until I pass out, sulking, and only leaving to charge my phone and use the bathroom.

Hell there’s a decent chance I’ll find other reasons to live. This is just the carrot on a stick to get me moving.

And anyways I think getting the love of my fucking life to talk to me again is “doing it for myself.”

It’s just like the “Love yourself first” non-advice that used to drive me insane.

Hi comrades, welcome to the Improvement Megathread!

I plan to post a new weekly megathread here every Sunday. I think Sunday is a good day to review the previous week and make some plans for the following week. If somebody else wants to post a new megathread anytime, just let me know.

Here are some ideas for discussion:

• Do you want to share something you've done in the previous week?

Even if you did only 1 push-up, read 1 page, meditated for 1 minute, or touched 1 blade of grass, let us know about it. When it comes to making progress, everything counts. The most important thing is to make progress, no matter how small.

• What would you like to do next week?
• What aspect of life would you like to improve?
• Do you have any streaks? For example, "sober for one day." Feel free to post your streak every day in this thread.
• If you don't have a continuous streak, did you manage to abstain from something for a day or more?
• Did you come across some useful information or resource that might help others?

Of course, this is not a definitive list. And feel free to make a separate post in the comm for any of these topics. This is just a megathread for all the stuff that you want to share but don't feel like making a new post.

Let me know if you have any suggestions.

And remember the Golden Rule of Hexbear:

Always
Be
Commenting

This is the longest for a long time I have entirely avoided video games. (except for Duolingo if we are being technical)

I feel pretty good. Trying to get into new hobbies. I am probably picking more up than I should, but I want to see what sticks and I'd rather spend time with dabbling into something that doesn't work out than falling back into g'ming.

I have to remind myself that for most people one week without video games is pretty fucking normal and I feel pretty goofy for being proud about it at all.

I know there is a lot to say about abstinence approaches, but I tried to regulate it and it didn't really work, so hopefully this way succeeds.

Well technically it'll be 24 hours tonight at 9pm est but I'm not buying a pack today so I already count it as a day. Been tough so far, cravings came on hard and lasted for about a couple of hours. I want to see if I can beat 20 days smoke free, I can do it again and this time stick with it for good, I hope.

I need to take a nap first (or try to anyways) but in like 4-5 hours start fucking bugging me about it. I’ll even DM you my phone number so you can harass me that way. If I don’t do it today, really ride my ass to do it Monday. I’ve been fucking it off so much that my dealer of all people called me a piece of shit the other day lol.

Thanks.

Background: I suspected I was Autistic for quite a while. I've always felt a connection to Autistics online and NDers at large but never considered I was ASD until I started reading askreddit threads about people on the spectrum and had more than a few "wait, that's me" moments. I read more, obsessed over articles and online tests, and finally got my soft diagnosis from my therapist a few months ago.

My diagnosis is actually ASD, severe depression(which I already knew), social anxiety(samesies), and posible ADHD.

My wife also got diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and anxiety, and a bit of PTSD.

Our oldest is also very much ADHD

So suffice to say, our household is a giant mess of neurodivergence and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I spent a few months in a sort of buffer mode after my diagnosis and decided to read Unmasking Autism ahead of the planned reading group. The book sort of changed my life. In reading it, I felt at times Devon Price, the author was speaking directly at me. At other times, he was talking about my ND friends and family. I got a 10,000 foot view of what Autism and neurodivergence was and I got an intimate view of who I think I actually am.

The book visits something called Divergent Design. It's the concept that rather than trying to live in a Neurotypical box, design your living space around you. Figure out what works for you and own that.

I hate clutter and visual noise. My wife is a clutter bug who loses her keys after setting them down 2 seconds ago. I used to get mad about it but I completely understand now. I'm gonna try and spend 2024, redoing our house set up with Divergent Design in mind.

A few ideas I have for myself is to redo my "Me Space." With 2 kids and the complete anarchy that is our lives, it's hard to have a spot for me. But my computer desk is that spot. I'm fairly territorial about it too. But looking at it, I have come to accept that it's in a states of organized chaos. I bought some bins and a stack of drawers on wheels to hopefully help me get my clutter out of sites but in an equally organized way.

So for example, I wanna put most of my fidget toys in a drawer along with this stack of gift cards I have accumulated. I will know where they are but I won't see them. I will keep my main fidgets at hand for when I find myself wanting to stim. I will be able to swap out fidgets as desire dictates as well.

This will also work with my 7(yes seven) mechanical keyboards I own. Same for my 4 handheld emulators. I figured even though I like collecting these things it doesn't mean they need to be in my face the entire time, distracting me from being productive.

I have 3 sets of flashlights and knives that I carry when I leave the house, but I don't need all of them in a pile under my monitor I can pick a set for a week or 2 and hide the others away where I will know where they are at. I can leave my 2 Rubik's cubes that I am currently maining within reach and put the other 7 away.

This helps tackle me but I am working with my wife on what will work for her.

Right now there is a pile of clutter on my "fermentation station", a currently quasi-defunct hobby, there is a pile of clutter on our dining table(that is actually in our living room which is based btw), There is clutter on the shoe rack part of our combo coat rack that we bought to keep organized(rofl), and she has 3 half-started project in our mail sorter/key peg combo that was supposed to be for mail and keys. I have a few ideas but I don't really know what will work and won't work. One idea is to get a drainable tray to put in our shower on the floor as a "target" for her to put her shampoo bottles back and maybe a waterproof reminder note to remind her to re-adjust the showerhead before she gets out since she is a shower sitter and I am a stander.

I am still working on a few other things to run by her but am putting my foot down on buying one more dry erase board that either won't get hung or will never be used. I want systems that will finally work for her. Maybe have a few "target spots" that she can put her keys, for example. Functional women's jean pockets would be great but, alas, we like in a fascist patriarchy...

I also want to start exploring "radical visibility" from that book as well but not sure where to start yet. I'm a 40 year old man with a beard and I started painting my fingernails again occasionally so that's a start. I am basically always stimming but also usually have a fidget toy in my pocket whenever I leave the house, not sure if that is socially acceptable since a lot of my toys are unique and not a fidget cube or spinner. I like loud clacky tactile stuff so I have 5 sliders and a few haptic coins and such and love them.

Share ideas if you feel obliged but I wanted to post this more as a positive post instead of the negative ones I normally do on social media.

But yeah, that's the post. I think in my head, if I put it out on the internet, it will be more concrete for me instead of "I could do that maybe" type stuff.

Oh! I am also trying to become more active in ND spaces online and kind of wanna explore the possibility of setting up an org or something in my city. Disabled, queer, trans, NDers, and other marginalized people aren't just invisible here but in a lot of cases are flatout hated and I wanna see that fixed.

Let me know if I’m getting too deep for this (brand new) comm, but I’ve noticed lately that all of my sense of validation at this point in my life comes from other people. Is it possible to gain this feeling from my self or is that unrealistic?

I hate ADHD burnout, I hate ADHD burnout AAAAAGH JUST BE A FUNCTIONING ADULT

Edit: Thanks! It worked!

Something I've found about myself is that I'm always addicted to some kind of screen-based media.

So, for example, I used to be really into mobile idle games. Then when I forced myself to give that up, I found myself scrolling through social media for hours at a time. When I force myself to give that up, I find myself playing mindless puzzle games on my computer for hours at a time.

Whenever I give up one addiction, I end up picking up another. This suggests to me that there is a deeper need here that is going unaddressed. It suggests that simple techniques to get rid of a habit (e.g. "Try deleting the game from your phone!") aren't sufficient in the long term. But I'm not sure what to do about that.

Ideally, I would like to be able to talk to a therapist about this. But since I'm back on a waitlist to see a therapist, I don't think that's going to happen for quite a while. I've been attempting to do other things for my mental health (meditation, journaling, exercise) but I find that the problem of my screen addiction continues to persists.

Every so often, in discussions about mental health, I see people recommending workbooks as an alternative for people unable to access therapy. I've been skeptical about this, but on reflection, it seems like that might be the right amount of structure for me. Meditation and journaling and exercise aren't really directed towards a specific problem the way a converation with a therapist can be, and if there are workbooks or similar resources that would help me work through this problem, I think it's worth a shot.

My ideal situation would be an interactive online or physical workbook that give me prompts for writing and reflection within a structure, e.g. I don't just want a book or series of YouTube videos I can passively read or watch (I can easily find those -- HealthyGamerGG is a well known resource on YouTube) but I also don't want to be told to just generically journal about my life (I'm already doing that).

If anyone knows about such a resource, please let me know.

Title

https://nw-adhd.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/ADHD-Medication-Information-Sheet

tumblr user mwg-7:

i know vitamin c basically neutralizes adhd meds but lemonade good

tumblr user mwg-7:

Transcript:

Food restrictions: All of the first line medications for the treatment of ADHD are moderately strong bases (pH of 12-13). If they are present in the small bowel at the same time as a weak organic acid (citric acid or ascorbic acid/Vitamin C) the medication forms an insoluble salt and can not be absorbed into the body. You may have swallowed your medication but, [following is underlined in red] if you washed it down with orange juice or a soda, none of the medication actually gets into your blood stream. Therefore, avoid the following foods for an hour before and after your dose. Once you feel the benefits of the medication, you may eat or drink anything you wish.

yea lol

ADHD Medication information sheet

tumblr user brazenautomaton:

I have been struggling

For a long fucking time

with why my adderall was having such uneven effects and varying efficacy

and the weird pattern of what made it work and not work and if it was building up in my system or not

and fucking nobody told me I shouldn’t drink a glass of Kool-Aid to take the pills with

or eat fucking Pop-Tarts or Life cereal

this is the most useful information I have ever received from tubr and it seems to be confirmed by several other places upon searching

so this actually should be spread like wildfire like actually

tumblr user firebirdscratches:

Me reading this realizing tunglr dawt kom gave me more information about my medication than MYDOCTORRRRRSSSSSS MYYYYYYYY FUCKENNNNN DOCTORSSSSS PLURAL MULTIPLE DOCTORSSSSSSSS

https://firebirdscratches.tumblr.com/post/635053584689545216/brazenautomaton-mwg-7-mwg-7-i-know-vitamin-c

By the power of nobody objecting, I am opening this count space

Trying not to game? Trying to do some daily exercises? Do you feel counting it helps? Feel free to do it here.

If you want to, you can write about your feelings and emotional states as well.

(cross posting as this seems the more appropriate place)

cross-posted from: https://lemmygrad.ml/post/3198573

I have ADHD, I think it's possible I had some other form of reading disability when I was younger, but I'm not sure. Just a hunch, my therapist has. One thing I do all the time, that really slows me down, is subvocalizing. If I'm not subvocalizing, I feel like my retention and comprehension are almost nonexistent. For easier literature, it's not a big deal, but wanting to read more theory, I find myself struggling.

I think, according to some reading tests I was taking today, I read at about 144 wpm which isn't great. That's me mostly subvocalizing. If I stop, I can get to 270, but my retention and comprehension goes down quite a bit.

Any advice, tools, websites, services, you might be aware of that can help me unlearn a lifetime of bad reading habits? Everyone wants to sell you a tool or service for STEM shit, but when you're looking for adult assistance with reading, all I seem to be finding is stuff for Elementary and Middle School level reading.

ADHD pro tip: Use psychological warfare on yourself.

For example, in order to do long tasks, like folding laundry, I put on the Mario Hat:

The main feature of the Mario hat is that my headset does not fit over it, so when The Bees™ try to put me back in front of the screen, the headset issue forces me to remember why I put the Mario hat on, and back to the task I go

As a bonus, the Mario hat is also a very clear indicator to my housemates that business is getting done, and they have learned not to distract me when I'm wearing the "goofy-ass cosplay hat"

It's not stupid if it works.

https://www.tumblr.com/generaln0m/735218319609757696/adhd-pro-tip-use-psychological-warfare-on

(the website demands a log-in to see posts from this specific blog, so the title of this links to a blog that reblogged it that doesn't require a sign in gosh what a terribly normal website)

cross-posted from: https://lemmygrad.ml/post/3190048

I've been languishing in my comfort zone. Continuing to do so will have terrible effects for me. To quote Marx, I "[have] become a monster, a huge mass of flesh and fat, and [am] barely capable of walking any more." Ever since the pandemic started I've become a terminally online antisocial weirdo who barely ever leaves my room, let alone the house.

Of course, in addition to the damage this does to my personal life, it also makes me non - potentially even counter - revolutionary. As someone who wants to be a communist instead of just some internet poisoned middle class dilettante, I don't know how I can be expected to jeopardize the comfort of my parasitic labor aristocratic class position when I can't even get out of my comfort zone enough to go outside, eat real food, and do even the barest minimum of light exercise.

CW: talk about weight, mention of ED

I'll preface with: I'll be blunt from here on out, as I can't get better without truth. I know I'm overweight, and I've always known/always have been.

My mom spent a good amount of her life obsessing over weight (no thanks to my dad). She isn't at the level to have ED or anything but would find new fad diets to start (but not finish), have motivational food posters around, comments on how bad she or anyone else is eating and how it's a bad thing, things like that. My dad was never shy to tell me how fat I was and how fat I was getting. Said the same to my mom as well. My mom would comfort me during those outbursts, but still put me on similar fad diets or weight loss programs. None of them stuck.

What triggered the current push to lose weight were 2 things:

1. There's a traveling adult bouncy house that's coming to my area, but there is a weight limit. My friends seemed excited to go, but I'll feel so much shame to say I can't because I'm too big. I also don't want my weight to get in the way of doing other fun things down the line.

2. I plan to travel for my 30th birthday and the country is pretty fatphobic, I don't think I'll be able to (mentally) handle it and feel it'll be better to lose weight than draw unnecessary attention to myself. I visited a parent's home country a few years ago, it's been a long time since going, and my grandma couldn't say anything else to me than how big I was. I couldn't say anything back but take it, knowing the people around me were hearing it too. Some people would say something too like "She's just thick nothing wrong with that", but I just felt more shame that I couldn't say anything back, and deep down I agreed with her. It was embarrassing, and I felt embarrassed to look that way. I don't want to experience that again.

I don't even know if these are good enough reason to lose weight or if it just a self-esteem thing or both. I also can't tell if this is actual motivation or my own internalized fatphobia. Deep down, I like to imagine myself as thinner, only because it'll be more convenient to move through life that way. I'm otherwise happy.

Last year I lost a bit of weight, one of my friends complimented me on the loss, and it freaked me out. I felt perceived and observed, it opened up my mind to the fear that people were thinking negative things about my weight the whole time and only felt comfortable enough to talk about it because it was going down. The panic slowed down my progress and I gained the weight back.

I'll feel guilty abandoning the HAES cause and the fat community. Like I was only following it because I'm bigger and needed to cope. And when I get thinner, I won't need them anymore for comfort. I also feel shame losing weight because it admits that there was a "problem" and I didn't do anything about it until now. It also proved all the terrible, maybe well-meaning, people from my life right. All their comments were correct, and I was too prideful to admit it. That opens me up to being treated differently if I do lose the weight, and it makes me angry. Like my friends and family would be impressed but think "what took you so long?". Then, will I be respected more? Will more people be attracted to me now? I'll forever feel like people are only interested in being close to me because I'm thinner, just like how some people want nothing to do with me because I'm bigger.

I never really felt like my weight was an issue, it only stopped me from doing activities with a weight limit. I still exercise and whatnot without issue. But, since a young age, I was always told it was an issue, so it sits in the back of my mind constantly.

Fears:

• I'm scared that I won't succeed
• I'm scared that I will but will forever have to obsess over my weight and eating habits like my mom
• I'm scared it'll yo-yo back and forth, or I'll just gain it all again (so why even start)
• I'm scared my personality will change, and I'll get cocky like the other fit people who lost a lot of weight and get to brag about it
• I'm scared of how I will be perceived during or even after the journey, comments like "homhom lost so much weight it looks good" make me feel like people will be relying on me to keep the weight off, opening up the possibility of being a failure
• I'm scared I won't be able to eat yummy food again so I can maintain the new body
• I'm scared more people will be attracted to me <- I don't get this one, I think it's also about perception

S/N: my current Doctor has a side practice that specializes in weight loss. She never made me feel bad for being overweight, and never pushed the practice on me. All of my yearly physicals are perfect, too, minus a few vitamin deficiencies. I've also been in therapy for a while, but never felt comfortable enough to discuss weight, I don't discuss with many friends either.

I finally hit 30.

I used to close my eyes and wish for time to accelerate, for the years to rush past just below my perception so that when I opened them again I would see myself somewhere else, with someone else, doing anything else.

I've never had a job, not a real one anyway. I've always worked though, even as a kid. Every weekend since I can remember I have been working a stand at a flea market. My family sells clothes at four different flea markets six days a week. As a kid I helped with what I could. Eventually I helped with everything. After I graduated, weekends became six out of seven days of every week. Now we all work ourselves ragged every day. I am a tired, mindless body.

We make ends meet by living within our means. I don't have a car. I don't have an income. Sometimes I'll hide a hundred dollars before handing in any sales to my dad. So maybe that makes my income a hundred dollars every two or three weeks. I mostly use that to buy vapes, cat food, and cat litter. Sometimes I'll use what's left for mutual aid or save up to do so later.

I suspect I am somewhere on the autism spectrum and/or suffer from ADHD. I've been depressed for almost half my life now. I suspect I'm only still around because I am a coward. It's gotten too close to escape its pull but I won't so I am trapped. Zoloft and therapy helped for a little while but I quit after they didn't. To top it off, this was all before my egg cracked but my home situation is not one in which I can present how I would prefer even now.

I went to college on the government's dime for a bachelor's in computer science. I looked at my degree once and haven't seen it since. Fragments of websites, webapps, api wrappers, an ecommerce store, blog posts, essays, and shit litter my memory, failures that weigh my conscience with shame. At this point I'm not entirely sure if I was ever actually able to write any code or if just I bullshit my way through everything in life to protect my fragile ego.

But I need to get better. My life will not change unless I make it change. I need to get a job, I need to be self-sufficient, I need to grow.

The largest hurdle I can see is my complete lack of experience. I graduated almost a decade ago. I'll be starting from the bottom way later than I should have. Looking at local job openings on Indeed, it seems my best bet will be some sort of IT or Help Desk role. I'm taking a break from reading theory to read about networking and cybersecurity. I remember much of the network material while the cybersecurity concepts at least make sense to me.

The next step of the plan is already daunting to me. I need to write a resume. How to do this thing with no experience? An eternal problem I'll need to figure out. This is as far as I've gotten but I'm not giving up. It's about time I grow up.

Thanks for reading. Apologies for whining about a job.