this post was submitted on 27 Oct 2024

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chapotraphouse

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Put on my boots, jumped in my F-150, cooked a rare steak, had a cup of Black Rifle coffee, poured a glass of bourbon... (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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...loaded my $15000 AR-15, bought some Dude Wipes, put on my Blu-ray collection of Clint Eastwood movies, told everyone I came across that I wasn't gay, stifled all emotion, had my wife make a sandwich and raise my kids, told my black neighbor he was "one of the good ones", shared videos of dead Palestinians, put on my "Mission Accomplished" bumper sticker from 2003, turned on my Joe Rogan podcast, clocked out at the racism factory, and drove to the polls here in Whitesville Texas. Brought my wife and kids too. We understood the assignment. We were adulting. We did a democracy. Donald is right behind me isn't he?

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[–] [email protected] 44 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (6 children)

Fell out of bed from a 7 day bender, threw on my finest sweatpants and buldak ramen-stained tagless t-shirt, hopped into my 2012 Toyota Corolla that is literally held together with duct tape and is probably not even street legal, stuffed a celebrity rockstar sized line of cocaine into my face and voted for "Pig Poop Balls" as my write-in candidate. I understood the assignment.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 2 weeks ago

waow-based

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

If you're going to write about me at least have the decency to tag me

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I was writing about me... 😳 Lol

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

I was just making a joke, didn't mean to steal your valor chavez-salute

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Nah you good I was making a joke off of your joke rofl. Besides I'm too broke to afford cocaine.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (13 children)

I've got a trick for that. Find some people selling cocaine, then ask to become a dealer (you have to gain their trust thru a weird little minigame of some sort) then when they give you the cocaine pretend to go out and sell it and then just do it all yourself.
Literally flawless strategy

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 weeks ago

im-fuckin-gay

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

2012? Your car isn't of legal age?

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I look like le republican, but really I'm le democrat

SO. F*CKING. EPIC!!!!! THE NARWHAL BACONS AT MIDNIGHT!!!!!

[–] [email protected] 18 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Occupation: Counter-terrorism Interrogation Specialist, B.A in War Crimes, lives on a DHS black site near El Paso

"Good Sir, you just won the internet today. Welcome to the resistance."

[–] [email protected] 31 points 2 weeks ago (4 children)

Why are Texans so fucking weird

[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 weeks ago

You have to understand that most of the ones you see online them are the worst Californians imaginable that have moved to Central Texas to not pay income tax and because they think it is less woke

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I'm not saying there definitely IS a hellmouth out in texas, but after reading some Joe Landsdale (CW:SV) and listening to some Butthole Surfers, I've started coming around to the idea that whatever eldritch force exists there is a totalizng one: You either fall invisibly under it's spell and purchase a large belt buckle, or you can perceive it out the corner of your eye and are compelled to find ways to express it like a Lovecraft protagonist.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago

If I thought magic was an actually existing physical force I would absolutely, deeply, sincerely believe that Texas has been eternally cursed by all the gods for it's twice-treason in the name of enslavement.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 weeks ago

Imagine the burden of having to be stereotypical Usians but even more.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago

After seven days and seven nights when God created the heavens and the Earth, he threw everything leftover into Texas before he rested.

It's like that fort you built out of toilet paper rolls and the last bits of scotch tape before you gave up after realizing you needed better materials when you were little. Your grandma yelled at you for wasting the tape in drawers, even though she should have thrown them away.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

we understood the assignment

All that big man posturing and he still thinks of voting like homework assigned to him by his teacher

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 weeks ago

I think it was meant to be hard boiled detected/cop talk.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I HATE PERFORMATIVE TOXIC MASCULINITY

We understood the assignment

I HATE TACTICOOL COP LARPING

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Question for our non-Yankee Hexbears: is cop language an international phenomenon? And if so, how is it similar to/different from the American variety? I'm particularly interested in non-Anglosphere cops.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (2 children)

"understood the assignment" is actually young people slang, it's like a meme phrase that people overuse on twitter. it's not a cop thing

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/they-always-understood-the-assignment

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[–] [email protected] 22 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 weeks ago

More fancy beer for me I guess

[–] [email protected] 19 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

If there's no one around to observe your forced performance of the idealized version of masculinity, can you still call yourself a man?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 weeks ago

If a ballot falls into a ballot box, is anyone around to hear it?

[–] [email protected] 18 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

some people are really really comfortable living in a prescribed train of thought

[–] [email protected] 17 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (4 children)

This man sucks, and what I am about to say isn't the point of the post, but I gotta get something off my chest... I like cigars. My cousin smokes them and he's pilled me on them and they taste good and it's one of the few things that actually make me sit down and just be present in the moment. No yapping, no phone, no nothing. It's incredibly pleasant.
I hate how there's a cargo cult around cigars and how they've become a signifier for masculinity and wealth, because they used to be working class and they're a lot of fun to smoke with my girlfriends too. I understand the apprehension towards cigars because all one sees is dudes like that smoking them, but really I would recommend them. They're not super expensive and it's a nice time. They also get you high, which weed does too, but cigars also do it. They're nice, okay? kitty-cri-screm I buy them from a cool little shop where the guy says he gets them from his cousin in Cuba and sometimes he's pissed at his cousin because his cousin just ships random shit instead of the specific things that are ordered and I think it's funny and cool and sometimes I get free cigars because of the cuban cousin and it's good okay?

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

We all have our treats. castro-stuff

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Yeah Fidel loved ice cream.
Now prostrate yourself and confess your treats! (The prostate is not a valid answer, since you cannot spell it without spelling pro-state)

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Fidel loved ice cream

He just like me fr fr (my partner got me a honeycomb flavor that I'm excited to try tonight as a celebratory thing)

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago

me too.. i even bought the 'churn out the vote' ben & jerrys the other day just to try it out... its not that great, but its still ice cream and i love ice cream

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I really, really like bread and any sort of snack that's bread related, to a carbohydrate-chasing level of vice.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (2 children)

I share your feeling. I live right next to a super fancy bakery and I go by every evening around closing time and chat up the people behind the counter. I get so much free and fancy bread. Sourdough bread measured in kilos rather than amounts. Seasonal pastries. It's so good but also a danger to my health.
I share it around with friends, family and those in need. Mainly because I love sharing things and helping others, but also because it would seriously endanger my health otherwise. I recently got three dozen cinnamon buns with caramelized bottoms and some lemon zest on top chefs-kiss I am quite certain the amount of... well everything, bread, butter, sugar, deliciousness, etc could put me in a coma

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

when i want to get that nicotine high but i also want my mouth and clothes to smell like burnt cat food

maybe i only had shit cigars because the only times i had them were when old dudes gave me cheap cigarillos playing pool.

i like burmese cheroots though, you can get them in yunnan for very cheap and they're smooth and funky

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

maybe i only had shit cigars because the only times i had them were when old dudes gave me cheap cigarillos playing pool.

when i want to get that nicotine high but i also want my mouth and clothes to smell like burnt cat food

Sounds like you did

I used to think the same as you because I'd only gotten bad cigars. Then my cousin gave me some good ones. They were nice. Cost about $ 5-7 a piece and lasted about 40 minutes to an hour.
Or maybe you just don't like the taste shrug-outta-hecks

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I quit smoking a decade or so ago but damn I miss the occasional front porch cigar and whiskey or beer sessions sometimes. I'm a pale, scrawny dorky ass mother fucker and I always hated the machismo stigma around them.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago

I'm a pale, scrawny dorky ass mother fucker and I always hated the machismo stigma around them.

Yeah it sucks! I've shared cigars with a bunch of friends and there's a whole preemptive briefing I have to give about them, because of the macho-wannabe-tough-guy-cult surrounding them.
(I only share with people I know smoke, I would never try to get anyone to start smoking)

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

that's pretty much the case with anything one can enjoy.. enjoying the thing is pleasant but the cults that form around the thing are very unpleasant

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago

Sure, but I feel like cigars are kind of like Rick and Morty. They're associated with truly insufferable people.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 weeks ago

imagine bragging about voting

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 weeks ago

Literally everything about this screams "Republican", jesus christ.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 weeks ago

Insufferable.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 weeks ago

Ok, but that glass of bourbon was probably before jumping in F-150 and possibly not just one.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

So brave and epic of that Texan to risk his life entering some assembly hall/community centre and shit to vote./s

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago

i bet he drinks his beer in 0.33l (or whatever the US equivalent is) bottles, which makes him a gay communist cyclist. sorry, i dont make the rules.

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