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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.
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the surgeon I was going with backed out because he doesn't feel confident enough for my specific case yet. he said he would try to research and contact me again in a few weeks to see if he found any leads for where I go
cw: suicide, hopelessness, venting
I really want to kill myself. the drive is so real. I tried to tell him I accept that there's uncertainty on outcomes and complications and even having a phallus alone would help me so much, but that wasn't enough.
exhausting every way you can think of trying to convince someone to take a chance and pull you from the misery only for him to kindly and firmly refute each is difficult. feeling completely backed into a corner with nothing but acceptance that this grim era will continue without the hope I was holding onto, it really is difficult
I just want someone to help me
My doctor: get your cholesterol under control and then we can raise your dose
Okay but I'm too depressed to have be able to stick with a diet can we just try increasing the estrogen and manage everything from there?
I unilaterally decided to up my dose my just taking more. Only up to the minimum recommended dose for two weeks now I think. I haven't felt better in ages and finding the motivation to eat healthy, get exercise, and socialize, has never been greater. We really need to drill into the medical community how important HRT is and to get up to an effective dose asap. Maybe it's a placebo but it feels real and the effects are real so w/e.
They weren't lying, this progesterone really do be making me eepy.
Also my hair is like, ridiculously soft suddenly. Like almost overnight, even my girlfriend noticed it. I'm definitely not imagining things and I haven't changed anything in my hair care. Idk where this came from but I'm very happy about it.
looking in the mirror and seeing a visibly fucked up clocky trans girl, which is fair because i am a visibly fucked up clocky trans girl
whats the gender neutral form of the word dude?
duden?
Bit idea: dismiss all non-queer media forever
Wait days to get a call back about sperm banking in case I want to have kids in the future.
Get called back in the middle of the work day
Person on the phone who's supposed to be "courteous and confidential" asks me questions I can't answer without announcing to the office I'm getting my jizz froze and takes ages to switch over to yes/no
Get told they don't take insurance for this (no mention of that on the website)
I hate this shit. I hope my therapist can help me w/ resources. For anything medical I usually rely on my mom for help but that's a no go here as she doesn't even know I'm on HRT
Is your therapist a social worker? I think Social workers can be good at helping get through that. Sadly starting hrt was delayed quite a while for me while I sorted out the conflicting info and poor communication between my urologist and the fertility clinic.
I don't think so. She did give me resources but I hadn't wanted to act on them in case the one Planned Parenthood suggested worked out.
I went ahead and started HRT but I feel like it should still be okay for a little bit? I read it takes a couple months to make sperm so hopefully I've got some of the lil dudes left chilling in there
I lifted am on drugs today so tbh why not. Long may it continue...
I lifted today as well Mostly because exercising makes literally everything else in life a little less difficult. I lose all ability to focus on anything when I don't exercise regularly
Really? Dang, which part of lifting makes focusing easier?
I think it's a combination of a couple different things. For once my body gets really restless if I'm sedentary, which makes it hard to sit down and focus on stuff. And the other reason is that lifting helps me sleep and eat a ton better.
I usually have super low appetite (maybe because i got so used to ignoring my hunger cues when i was depressed idk), but lifting makes me feel hunger "normally" and crave actual meals, which helps my brain work the way it should
my body gets really restless if I'm sedentary, which makes it hard to sit down and focus on stuff
Is this why I've been unable to read since I got fired... Oh no... I know about improving appetite though, that shit rules, fuck yeah.
Maybe, that's how it works for me at least (unfair that I need to be physically active to nerd out properly tbh), but if that's the case for you it should get easier soon now that you're working out again
Nerd oppression by your own body!! I hope it should, but also my body is a fuckin shambles and ten reps per arm obliterates me. I have an extremely long way to go, if it's even physically possible for me to be in good shape anymore.
Ash getting zooted on creatine. I'm here for it. (For anyone watching don't overdo creatine, pretty sure it can damage your kidneys or liver)
I'M OVERDOING CREATINE
NO STAHP! I NEED YOU TO HAVE HEALTHY ORGANS!
My organs are probably rekt already soz
Damn I need to find another source
uh based?
Hmmmmmm I'm soooo eepysleepy today~ (I was kept up till 7am by chronic pain but still woke up before noon)
We have this family in for one of their kids. The other kids visit daily. They have one little girl who is both cute and creepy in the way only little girls can be. She comes riiiight up to me and just stands and stares at me, like just 10 cm in front of me and stares. Says nothing. Just smiles. Adorable
dysphoria, social anxiety
Have a (free, yay. well, included in membership cost) consultation with a personal trainer/physical therapist guy at my gym coming up to help me design a better routine and diet and stuff
I talked to him yesterday but I'm not out at the gym and idk if I wanna out myself but I don't want to make things awkward there since it's like, the only "third place" I have rn
I dunno if telling him "yeah I really don't want bulky arms and shoulders and I'm trying to grow my hips and ass" would give him the hint or that'd be weird and don't really know how I'm gonna navigate that conversation
I guess I can come up with a plausible alibi about training for hiking and that I have a job offer to work for the forestry department so I'm wanting to work on my legs a lot for steep hill hiking for that?
The staff there all seem cool and it's a pretty inclusive gym (seen multiple other queer ppl there) but for some reason it's way less nerve-wracking thinking about just vaguely coming out to someone as just broadly queer than saying "uh, I have The Genderβ’ actually"
I dunno
I feel like I'm more nervous about it than I should be but that's like always the case for me (GAD)
I'm doing a lot better overall the last month or so than my usual though? Idk, any thoughts? Thank you nice internet ppl
As a former personal trainer, they'll ask you your goals as part of the consultation. You could say "I'd really like a huge squat and deadlift", and that should work. You'll likely also be given some upper body stuff (good for sure), but if you just half-ass arms, shoulders, dynamic abs, and forearms, while three-quarter-assing back and chest, you should get you what you want without outting yourself.
Plus its really hard work to grow muscle, so you'll have to work your ass on any way. It will likely be easier to fake training arms than it is to train your glutes hard, for example.
Good luck!
i whine about work
if i have to do another presentation for a huge group of people next week i am going to scream, it is so exhausting, i'm an hour into work and i feel like i need to sleep, AND i spent all day yesterday preparing for it too... i miss doing my "real job"
edit: also, i guess i'm channeling "Tim Allen's Neighbour" vibes today as I rearranged my desk and my webcam is behind my monitor, so only my eyes and up are visible when I turn it on, lmao.
Huge group of people
yep today was the second, i can't give an exact count of how many spoons this is all costing but it's high lol, especially when i only get a day or two to prepare
I LOVE MY TRANS COMRADES