My experience is exactly like yours

I only realized very recently in my early 20s And only began questioning also in my early 20s

Never felt like I had gender dysphoria my entire life even though there were obvious signs in my teens and I always felt gender euphoria around feminity though I never realized that's what it was

And that right there is the issue around trans people must feel dysphoria in their youth imo. We live in such a cis normative society and transgender education/exposure is non-existent that I believe it makes it difficult if not impossible for many trans people to realize what they're experiencing is gender dysphoria. We were literally never given the tools or knowledge to be able to understand what we were feeling

There's also the factor that being a feminine boy or masculine girl is looked down upon, so there's another issue around self defense mechanisms that arise from the shame and guilt you'd feel from your feelings about gender

I've still to this day can only count on one hand the amount of times I've experienced gender dysphoria while sober. The first time I experienced it was extremely intense and only during my first bad trip. All the other times were while I was high. I still mostly only feel feminine while high. My mental barriers are probably so thick they only start to let my feelings show through when I'm inebriated

The brain and how it works is such a complex and mysterious subject that anybody who makes absolute statements like "she says she never noticed anything in me as a child that would point to gender dysphoria, and that since I was a fairly strong-willed child I would have let someone know" have absolutely no idea what they're talking about

Whatever your feelings may be with regards to your gender identity, it's every bit as valid as somebody who has figured it out when they were a 5 year old pissing in their bed

And she's right. I never had any gender dysphoria as a child, not really, and I still don't even see myself as a "girl stuck in a guy's body". I consider myself a guy who wants to become a girl, not because being a guy is so horrible, but because being a girl seems very nice.

For what it's worth, I didn't see myself as anything specific at that age- I was an unruly child but I still picked up on what was socially acceptable gender behavior pretty quick- and opted to silently comply rather than make things difficult.

I opted for the multi-decade self aware egg route to transitioning. I found socially transitioning was actually not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be and most of my dysphoria was voice-related which I could work on long before getting any kind of prescription.

I'm sorry your mom is being difficult. I agree with doing stealth HRT. You shouldn't have to put your goals on hold because someone who holds power over you objects to how you want to live it.

Me, I was a late bloomer and only figured it out at a very ancient 30. There were signs in my case but I was bullied into repression by shitty family and I ended up drinking a lot in my 20s to repress harder instead of deal with it properly. I only ended up dealing with it because I had a breakdown and couldn't avoid it anymore.

I didn't think I had dysphoria before I started transitioning but after experiencing gender validation and euphoria often enough I was able to look back with a new lens and suddenly I felt like my life was nothing but dysphoria. Not that it's required to have dysphoria to be trans, but in my case, I did have it and couldn't recognize the shape of it until I was able to change how I looked at it.

We all experience our gender and trans-ness in different ways. Have you seen genderdysphoria.fyi? AFAIK it’s a good resource when you’re trying to figure out your gender, and also as a resource for explaining things to people when you’re still just figuring these things out for yourself.

Also, a lot of the things you mentioned resonate with me. From my mom insisting there were no signs (in my case I did experience dysphoria but didn’t understand it and kept it hidden as much as I could, as with my other ND traits), to her being vehemently against me starting hrt due to health risks, and even the whole strong willed child thing sounds familiar. In my case she also always tried to get me to wear lens clothes or at least stuff less feminine I think in her eyes, and stay closeted in as many situations as possible. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be a feminine man. She’s been better lately at least but it took a lot of talking and setting boundaries and me continuing to be strong willed.

I’m on HRT now and for me at least my mental health is way better, and I’m much happier living my life.

i had the same kind of thing going on with my mom after i told her. i can go into specifics but essentially it boiled down to her seeing me a certain way and desperately trying to hold onto the person i was. things are always hard at first but i hope eventually with time your mom will see you're in a better place now and ease up

your feelings are valid im sorry ur mom is acting so negatively. i also realized i was trans later in life: not too long ago, when i was 22. i also have had those “impostor” thoughts, telling myself that my experiences werent “real” enough. a lot of that is internalized transphobia and the best way to know is to just think abt it. would you be happier as a feminine person (or even just not masculine)? if yes, you are trans. not all trans ppl have dysphoria, so dont get hung up on that. it all comes down to what you want, who you are

best of luck comrade

I don’t have much to add but just want to send you some good vibes

I hope your mom will come around soon, and even though I’m just a stranger on the internet I’m proud of you and want nothing but good things for you

Sending you some warm fuzzy feelings my comrade.

For what it's worth, I think coming out late in life is awesome. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it requires a change of environment. That doesn't mean it's an invalid way to feel.

first off

you are valid in your experience. outliers exist! that's why we have a name for it and a systematic way to think about it!

breast cancer risk in trans women on HRT is higher than for cis men, but lower than cis women

so (not a doctor), but i believe that breast cancer risk is essentially related to rate of cell reproduction in the organ, which is largely why the rate for cis men is the lowest. cis women regularly increase their risk by taking estrogen in the form of the birth control pill as well. your taking HRT is objectively not a statistical danger to you personally. not that you should have to debate your transition to your mother with facts and logic, but you certainly could if you wanted. her point isn't factually correct.

most of the trans women i know did not realize and start transitioning until later in life, like in their 20's.

i don't have any real answers though, that's a tough and awful situation for you to be put in. good luck in whatever you choose, you are valid in being in this unwinnable situation by just being yourself.

What's CW?